Pregnancy - Week 37 Final Week

Dear Son,
Well, it looks like the time has come for you to be born. Tonight is the last night that we will share one body. I can honestly say that this makes me a little sad. You've been such a joy to me, and Daddy. Carrying you has been a privilege I will never forget. Sure my body has had a lot of crazy shortcomings, some that scared me many times over for your well-being, but it looks like we're out of the woods now. (As I write this, you're jerking around so strongly that you make my tummy move from one side to another really fast!)

Tonight Daddy and I created a belly cast of my huge tummy so I can always remember what you looked like inside of me. Its currently sitting in the tub you will someday use, drying. I plan to smooth it out and paint it, and possibly put it in a frame somewhere. The funny part is that I think it was cramping you a little because once we pulled the plaster off of me, you di this BIG spread eagle stretch, as if to say "Ahh, thank you!"

The belly cast is just such a beautiful symbol of fertility to me, that I don't want to forget this journey we've had. I've tried my best to document it all. Even though I've come up short in the last few weeks. I've been in and out of the hospital trying to lower my blood pressure and make sure that you're okay. My kidneys aren't doing too well son, and sometimes it really makes me sad, that I can't do this for 40 full weeks for you. But 37, is the best that I can do for now. Its one more week than both Daddy and I were in utero, so I think you will make it just fine. I know you're a thriving, vivacious child, I can feel it and see it in your movements, and your excitement just from feeling you in my tummy. You really seem to LOVE music. I've been playing it more and more often for you, so you can enjoy it with me you shake and shimmy all over the place when you hear music.

I've learned a lot about myself during this pregnancy. Somethings, I will consciously change after you are born.

I've learned the following:

-I don't know how to relax
-I have to learn to care for my body better
-I have to learn to give up control once in a while
-Life comes at you really fast
-I still have a long road to learning to let go
-It's okay to not answer the phone sometimes
-Sometimes I just need to spend time with "me" because I yearn for it once in a while
-I love your Daddy more than life itself, even if he drives me nuts sometimes
-I love your brother as if I personally gave birth to him
-I've gotten really good at finding the humor in things
-I actually enjoy laughing at myself, humility is a good thing.
-Work can't rule my life anymore
-I will move mountains for you
-There is NOTHING I wouldn't do for you son, you are now the most important part of my life

I've learned to become a lot more organized, its funny because you won't notice any of these things, but boy, I've taken "nesting" to a whole new level. I want things to be "PERFECT" for you when you come home. This is your home, with us, me, daddy, Christian and Buster. We will take care of you and never let anything happen to you, ever.
I hope tomorrow goes smoothly my darling, because I want it to be a really nice experience for us both, I want you to enter this world as God intended. We have a lot of people praying for us, and loving us, and are so super excited about you. All over the world. Even your Zia Rosie, and cousin Barnaby are holding their breath for you to come. But no one my darling, more than me and Daddy. We are ecstatic to meet you, to see you and feel you and to learn your personality, and your characteristics.

I look forward to a very full, and fulfilling life with you my darling boy.

I'm attaching the last photographs that were taken of you, at 35 weeks old. (in utero)

I love love love you baby, and CAN'T WAIT to meet you! Lets make this relatively quick tomorrow okay, I don't want to go through a lot of pain. :)

Your Mommy

Pregnancy week 35 + 3 days

Dear Son,
Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote. Things have taken a turn unfortunately not for the best, but will unite us sooner rather than later. I went into the doctor's office the day after Thanksgiving, because I was dizzy and my face felt super hot. There they monitored me for 3 hours and then let me go. After several blood and urine tests, they discovered I had pre-eclampisa. Which is pregnancy-induced hypertension, which can be very dangerous for both you and I. The next day I collected my urine for 24 hours and then sent it to the lab to be analyzed. They weren't happy with the results. My kidneys were releasing too much protein, which was really dangerous for me. So the next day (Sunday) I met with a really nice nurse who lent me a blood pressure monitor and sticks I have to test my urine with, daily. I thought things were pretty much under control until Monday morning, my blood pressure sky-rocketed, yet again. This time I went to the hospital prepared with my computer, my phone, and an overnight bag. Good thing, because they kept me there for the next day and a half. That Monday was my last day on my Cisco team. I noticed that every time I got really stressed out you did too. This broke my heart and made me want to throw my computer out the window. Sometimes when it comes to work, I just feel so obligated to be present and in the moment that I have a really hard time saying "no."
The whole next day and a half you and I spent in a hospital room being looked after. I can't say the whole experience was that bad. But the reality of it all really sank in when we got home. You and I were/have been teetering between severe and mild pre-eclampsia. They let us leave with some very strict rules. Now, I check my blook pressure three times a day, I'm very very cautious with how you and I are feeling and I test my pee daily. I am also going to the doctor's office twice a week to do what they call a "non stress test" which really just monitors how your precious little heart is taking all this. So far, you're doing great. I love listening to your strong little heart, it sounds like a chugging little train. You're working hard in there son, and I'm so proud of you. On Monday night, while I was still staying in the hospital Daddy and I go to see you on ultrasound. Wow, you've gotten really big! Already 6lbs! You measured in the 73rd percentile for you gestational age of 36 weeks, when I am still just 35 weeks. So if I'm not mistaken this will put you at about 38 weeks when you're born!

They plan to induce our labor on 12/15/10. I don't know if you will be born on the day, but that is the day we're going to try. I think at this point it's best for you to come out of me and show your gorgeous self to this world. It makes me really sad, and sometimes it makes me want to cry because I so desperately wanted to keep you inside of me for as long as possible. I sometimes think its all my fault, but know that there really isn't enough research to back that up. I could've been healthier before you were conceived, but I am not sure if that would've helped 100%. Son I'm so sorry if I've failed you in any way. But I have full confidence that you will be born a healthy, happy baby. I really want us to focus on you coming out naturally. You're kicking me as I write this. I think you know what I am asking of you. Your head is down and almost in position, and you're still really active. But once they start that pitocin drip, lets try to make it work as fast as possible okay? I really want you to come into this world the way God intended. Unless of course you feel that you need to come sooner than 12/15, which I am totally okay with too. Just rest, and take all the time you need. I will not let anyone hurt you and will always be your protector. I just want what is best for both of us, and I really really want it to be the beautiful experience I'd hoped for for us.

I love you baby.

Your Mommy

Pregnancy Week 32 + 5 days

Dear Son,
Again, I apologize for not blogging sooner, weekly as I had originally planned. The weeks are flying by now, and I can barely believe we are quickly approaching the end of this pregnancy! There are still so many things that need to be done in preparation for your arrival, it's almost mind boggling.
Last Saturday, we had our baby shower. It was wonderful. I wish I had more time to chat with everyone that came. It seems like 4 hours just flew by! We got soooooo many gifts. You have things that I never even expected you to get, such as two snow suits! Daddy and I have never been up to the snow together, so maybe this will be a good reason for all of us to get away as a family. I'd really like to take your brother snowboarding too, I think he'd really enjoy it.
This week we asked Zia Rosie and Uncle Matthew to be your God parents. They were so honored, that I think your Zia might've cried about it. It's a big deal to me, and I trust them immensely. They will be coming to visit you in February along with your big cousin (4 years old) Barnaby. They are so excited to meet you. I know your Zia is dying to see what you look like.
I have been having really crazy dreams lately. My favorite one so far is when I'm changing your diaper and you're staring up at me batting your pretty little eyelashes. Right then and there, I know you've stolen my heart.
You've gotten a lot bigger and you've dropped in my tummy. I can hear my stomach growling again! It's been 8 months since I've heard it! Your kicks and punches are a little slower but much stronger. I can breathe a little better and my ribs seem to hurt less. The only issues I seem to be having is that I am short of breathe most of the time, I snore like I'm sawing logs, and my lower abs and nether regions hurt, I think because you're starting to get prepared to come out! I can't stay in one position for too long because my back hurts a lot when I get up. I seem to be walking around in an "L" shape a lot these days. I look like a really old lady when I get up. I have to sort of roll around and get a head start in order to be able to prop myself up. I also have wrist braces on both arms because I'd developed carpal tunnel syndrome and I can't really feel two or three fingers in each hand. Its a little weird sometimes, but I take solace in knowing that this is all for you. As long as you are born healthy and happy, it's all been worth it to me. My hair and nails are looking FANTASTIC! Thank you for that sweetheart! I'm not going to get too attached to this thick hair though because I've heard that a lot of it will fall out a few months after you are born...It's okay though I don't mind too much. I might get a cute little snazzy haircut then or something.
You are ALL I can think about son. I can't even imagine what I will be like or think about after you are born. I hear people talk about being depressed, etc, but I don't think I will have that problem. I think I will be so occupied with you and keeping you happy that I won't have time to dwell on things like that. This pregnancy hasn't been easy, but I would do it again for another baby if the timing were right, and it was something God wanted us to do. I admit its a lot to think about but I can see why some women have several children. I don't want you to grow up feeling along, since your brother will most likely be away at college. You will have a lot of time with me and Daddy by yourself. You will like our family baby. We are blessed, we have so much love between each other, even though we yell a lot, and I think deep down we can't live apart. I know that sounds weird, and odd, but at least that's how I feel about your Dad and your brother. I know I will NEVER live apart from you. That is not even something I can talk about.
I love you my dear boy, and can't wait the 8 or so weeks that are left to meet you. But I am going to enjoy this time we have left together as one to the fullest, amidst the body pains and the struggle. You have brought so much to my life already.

I love you son,
Your Mommy.

Pregnancy Week 30

Dear Son,
I'm sorry it's been a few weeks since I've written you anything. I've been super busy getting ready for our baby shower and working a lot. A lot more than normal actually. Last weekend was the first weekend that I haven't worked in two weeks. Daddy, Christian and I spent Saturday in San Francisco, which coincidentally was Halloween! This is my last Halloween without you. I thought about that a lot that day. I wonder what all the chaos felt like to you in the womb? I saw some really funny costumes, it just made me all that more excited for your arrival. We also went to a kitchen store because we're going to be remodeling our kitchen, hopefully before you arrive, because its in desperate need of a face lift!

You're getting bigger baby boy, your movements are slowing and I can feel you really high near my ribs, which still hurt a lot. You seem to favor the east /west position a lot. I really hope you get a nice turn in before we go into labor. I want you to come naturally without the help of any doctor. I know you'll do what you're supposed to my baby.

Today, you got a really good stretch in and threw all your weight to the area near the left of my belly button, and you must have extended an arm near my ribs at the same time because I looked like a misshapen triangle for a little bit. You so totally amaze me, I can't believe how long you feel to me inside. I don't know how long or how big you are exactly. You are hanging really low and my tummy sticks out super far. I can't tell you how many times people ask me if I am carrying twins in there. I've gained a lot of weight in this pregnancy, but I'm not terribly concerned about it, because I know I have what it takes to get it off after. Also I don't want to obsess over calories and all that stuff. I'd much rather obsess over you, sweetness.

I had schedule a 30 minute 2D ultrasound so they could video tape you and I could get some good pictures of you, but at the last minute I decided to cancel the appointment. I read that the sound waves from the ultrasound could potentially damage your hearing. After looking back at your ultrasound pictures from the amnio appointment (I think that you were about 14 weeks along then) I noticed you touching your head and your ears. This really bothered me and made me want to cry because at the time I had no idea that I could've been hurting you. Anyhow, this really bothered me for a few days so I canceled the appointment. I can't bare to even think that something I'd do could hurt you, it makes me a little teary just thinking about it, so I'm going to change the subject.
So...I've been trying to visualize what our lives will be like when you come honey. The only thing I can imagine right now, is a lot of time I'll be spending alone with you when Daddy has to go to work. This makes me feel a little nervous because I will be so new at being your mommy. But what better way to learn. I think deep down there will be a part of me that will just know what you need when you need it. I have a feeling that you will just let me know. I imagine laying in bed with you next to me, babbling away, or looking at me when I change your diaper, or you quietly sucking away when I have to nurse you.
Regardless son, I am so darned excited to meet your sweet little face. I will always love you no matter what. I will post some pictures after Saturday - the day of our baby shower.

I love you,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy week 28 + 1 day

Dear Son,
I love writing these letters to you, for you, about you. You are on my mind every waking minute. When you're quiet and sleeping (I'm assuming?) I still think about you. In fact I've had a very stressful day today but thankfully you're doing well. My body seems to be getting heavier and more tired and contracting more often these days. I spent the better part of four hours today at the hospital being monitored where I got to hear your sweet little heart beat while fighting off my fears of delivering you too soon. Daddy came, when I told him not to worry, but it was such a relief to see his face, although it was lined with worry and concern for us, nothing could've put me more at ease than his presence right then and there. I don't know why today tears just came rolling down all day. I'm getting really anxious for your arrival, and my fears are getting bigger than me. I know it's silly, and they probably have very little merit, but its my first time of being a mommy. Being YOUR mommy. I want it to go smoothly and do it well.
So tonight, I went to my prenatal yoga class, where I've had the lovely opportunity to meet other pregnant mommies, that are due with babies close to the time of your birth! Some a few months sooner and others a few months later. Tonight we discussed what we've been doing to nurture ourselves, our minds, bodies, and souls. And after some reflection, I realized that all the things I used to do to nurture myself have been eclipsed by you. Its true what they say that "motherhood changes a woman." it really does. I just didn't expect it to change me in this way, and this quickly. I expected surely my life would change when you were born, but it's changing now, and at the speed of light. What nurtures my body these days are my daily morning walks - when my body permits, with you, just as the sun is rising. It's the most gorgeous time of the day son. When you are born, I will show you how magnificent the sunrise is. What's nurtured my mind, has been getting my finances in order, I find a strange comfort in organization and have been striving to make our lives as simple as possible for your coming birth. I want to make sure that Daddy and I can manage all the we have and all that we spend. I am also getting into doing your nursery. Folding your sweet little clothes gives me great joy. I love touching them, and imagining how you will fill them. Whats nurtured my soul? That's been music, and relaxation. Yoga has been a very good stress reliever for me in allowing me to realize this. God fills my soul. Every day that I wake up, and I touch your daddy and I see (or hear, as the case normally is) your brother head out the door for school, I know that God has touched my soul once more because he has blessed me with another day on this earth. He has blessed me with the ability to carry you along with me on this journey.
I used to find great joy in my art, my running, my friends, which I still do, to a degree. I'm definitely not running anymore. But its more of a surface nurturing joy. Now there is a deeper meaning to my existence. There is a purpose that I've been missing. Not in the sense that there's been the absence of love, because your daddy and I share a great, tremendous love. But it's the purpose of creating something from that love, and giving it life. It has been the creation of you.

I love you son.
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 26+ 27

Dear baby boy,
you are getting bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger. Every week I notice a difference in your strength when you kick or punch. Sometimes its delightful, other times, it scares me a little because you catch me completely off guard. Most of the time my darling, it's such an amazing confirmation that you're okay.
I've been taking a prenatal yoga class, (I've taken two so far, and am scheduled for six) I love them, it's giving me a chance to connect with other pregnant women, and to stretch out my very stiff limbs. Its when I go to lay down on the mat, and try to stretch that I marvel at the size of you inside me. I can barely lean over and do stretches that used to be entertaining to me! For the first hour we women talk about our babies, there is one lady in my class who is Indian and also pregnant like me with a boy that is due on your due date - Jan. 4th, 2011. I sometimes wonder how accurate that date is, and if you will chose to come on that day. I have a feeling you will come in December. Just earlier this week I had a very vivid dream about you arriving on Dec. 28th, 2010. You weighed 9lbs and 6 oz. You were so precious. I can't even begin to express your cuteness. You were so pink and chubby and kicking around. They wheeled you away from me in my dream in one of those plastic carrier things with wheels. I reached out to you because I needed to have you near me, I was on a stretcher. I think I had a c-section in my dream :( I hope this is not the case. In any case, it was just a dream, but such a wonderful one.
Today I was dozing off trying to focus on work, but more tired than anything, and I had a vision of you at about two or three. You were looking up at me for something that you wanted and you were so cute. You looked a lot like I did when I was a toddler, but you had dark hair and dark eyes like Daddy. Your skin was lighter like mine. Any visions I have of you son, I hold dear to my heart, they bring me just one step closer to you, or what I imagine you to be and look like. I'm that eager to meet you.
Most of the time I can't get over how quickly our time together is passing. I feel so connected to you and so close to you. I know you can feel what I feel, I know you will be extremely special to me, well, you are already, but once you're born, you will be even more so. I know that we will be close in life my baby. I will never be far from you, ever.
I've had a few scares, and a few little unexpected pains that have worried me, and have made me pray for your well-being. Its the first time in my life that I've prayed to God to take care of something and to leave me if needed. Maybe that sounds selfish, I guess I've never felt the need to protect something with my own life like this. I guess this is what being a "mom" is all about. But I do so without any expectations. I just want what is best for you and what will give you the greatest chance at life - in my womb and in just 13 short weeks, outside of it as well.
I think you're a very long baby from what I feel. I can feel you often times just underneath my ribs, all the way down to my lower pelvis area, usually at the same time. That spans my entire mid-section. Which is the biggest I have ever seen it! It's quite beautiful, the way you've made me love myself and my bigness even more. I love caressing my tummy because I know you're in there. I think you can feel me, because I can feel you just with my hands.

Thank you son, for choosing me. I do believe that you have been in heaven waiting to be born to me and Daddy and when God, finally gave you the green light you've come. You've made me so happy.

I love you,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy Update - Week 25 day 3

Hi my darling boy,
Yesterday we had quiet a scare. I went to the hospital to have you and I monitored. My ankle shouldn't be swelling only on one foot. Also I've been having a rib pain only on the right side for weeks. The doctor's were worried it was pre-eclampsia. Thank God it wasn't. You and I were releaed and checked out fine. I got to hear your heart for an hour. I managed to record it. I am not sure if it will work but I am going to try and post it here.
Son, yesterday showed me just how important you are to me. I prayed so hard for you, I didn't care what happened to me, as long as God took care of YOU. Your little life is so meaningful to me, I care about you so much it rips my heart to shreds just thinking that anything could go wrong during this pregnancy, especially because of me! You're doing fabulously and had a few little spikes in your heart rate yesterday but that's normal from what I understand.

I love you so much little boy. You have no idea.

Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 25

Dear Baby boy,
Wow today we're 25 weeks pregnant! Only 15 more weeks to go! I can't believe it. This past week you've gotten considerably stronger. The other day you kicked me so hard it made me double over and catch my breathe. Daddy and I both got a little scared. I was worried I'd see your little foot sticking out or something! Now I can lay down and watch you play. Your movements are still very fast and jerky but sometimes, I can tell you're stretching out because it feels like a coordinated stretch. Its really very cute.

I'm running out of clothes that fit me anymore. I seem to be wearing the same things over and over again. But honestly I don't really want to buy too many more clothes because I will be losing weight after your born, and that extra money could be money I could spend on you instead! I've read that by now you should weigh about 1.5lbs, and should measure anywhere between 9.5-13.5" which is quite a bit longer than I expected, but it makes perfect sense because you have incredible reach. I can feel you at one side of me and at another side at the same time. Although you typically like to stay in one spot and play around there.

I'm still workig these days, and I'm horribly uncomfortable trying to sit in a chair for 8 hours. I will start working from home in about 10 weeks, which in my opinion can't come any sooner. If I try to lean forward in this chair you kick a litttle hard, if I lean back my bottom hurts, and you still kick, not hard but like you want me to move.

My feet and hands are SUPER swollen. Last week I had to take off my wedding rings. :( I was getting worried that they'd have to be cut off because my fingers have grown about 2.5 sizes. I've put on about 28lbs. to date, and most of my shoes don't fit me anymore without any discomfort.

I know it sounds like I'm this big complainer, but it all brings me back to you. Sweet little you. My son Sebastian. I relish in the thought of caring for you and holding you near me. I so look forward to the day when I can listen to you coo in your sleep and make those funny pursed lips like when babies remember that they're supposed to be sucking. I love you baby.

Your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 24

Dear baby,
I was hoping to have an ultrasound picture of you today to post here, but I'm out of luck. In fact, I'm terribly disappointed with that whole doctor's appointment Daddy and I had this morning. You were fantastic, your little heartbeat was chugging as normal, but our doctor is rather rude, and rushes us all the time. The good thing that came out of today is that Daddy and I got the Whooping Cough vaccine, and I got my blood tested for all sorts of things that could be dangerous for you. So I'll have my results by tomorrow morning.
I didn't realize how important it was for me to be able to see you. I feel like crying about it now. I want to see how big you've gotten. I guess I'll just have to wait. Baby, the love I have for you has grown so much these past few months, not because I never loved you, but because I didn't expect to feel this way, so protective, so excited and so full of honest anticipation of you. I want to see you so badly it's eating away at me. I can see you kicking, raising your little body parts through my skin, and I can feel when you turn, do rotations, and have hiccups, but your face. I want to see it. I've dreamt of you so many times already. I'm sure your face as the rest of you will be perfect as pie. I just have zero patience.
I'm really tired today baby, and I don't feel like myself. I worked 14 hours yesterday and I'm so exhausted. I can't imagine the exhaust I'm going to feel after you're born and still not sleeping a full night. God help us all. I've been so cranky that I'm even aggrivating myself.
The good news is, you've given me a new-found resolve. I seem to be very productive these days. Procrastinating drives me crazy these days, so when I'm faced with something that needs to be done, I'll do my best to just get it done without putting it off. Procrastination has been a struggle of mine for many years. So thank you baby, I can see you changing me already! Also, I haven't been getting anxious at all, I'm more eager now than anything. I'm trying to slow down and enjoy our time together as one. Everyday I try to talk to you or sing to you, so you can get to know my voice. I don't know if it's working at all. I know that when I tap you sometimes, you tap back. So I know you can feel me. That's what's so cool baby. You can feel me too. At least when I directly touch you. You don't seem to like it much when I sleep on my side, but I have to according to my doctors. Being on my back for too long can limit your blood supply and restrict your oxygen. Plus it makes Daddy nervous, and I don't want to do that.

I love you son, and I'm so excited for the day that we meet.

Love,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 23

Dear baby boy,

Wow the weeks are really speeding by. I can't believe we're more than 2/3 of the way through! I've been trying to clear out your nursery, wow baby you've got a lot of things now! We've been fortunate enough to receive hand-me-downs from 4 different babies! You're a very lucky little fellow. I have a big hamper of clothes sitting right next to me that needs to be folded and put away. As I fold your little things, I just marvel at that fact that sometime soon you will be wearing them!

My baby shower is approaching soon. I have about 8 or 9 people helping me out with this! My friends have been amazing throughout this pregnancy. My one friend Emma has been particularly sweet. She is really excited to meet you.

Today I was cleaning out your closet and trying to put something away into my own closet (a big plastic bin of drawers filled with my art supplies) and oh my goodness two of the drawers flew out and bonked me on the head! I even tried to duck to get out of the way and still I was nailed..Now I'm just nursing a headache. But thankfully nothing came near you. I need to be more careful. I seem to think I can tackle more than I can these days. With your due date quickly approaching, I feel like I'm running out of time!

I've been keeping track of your kicks lately. You're a very active little funny bunny. At night sometimes you'll give me about 10 kicks in about 9 or 10 minutes! Other times you keep me in suspense and wait around for about 30-40 minutes before doing anything. I've heard that at this point in your development this is normal. So I'm not too stressed about it. If you don't do anything at all, then I get worried.

Daddy and I decided to remodel the kitchen. I'm sure it will look so amazingly beautiful! I think we'll probably get started on it in October. That's my only requirement is that we get it all done before you arrive. I don't want you to have to try and sleep through construction and strange people coming in and out of our house. I want everything to be perfect by the time you get here. Plus that will give Daddy and I some much needed rest. I'm sure you'll have a very whacky sleeping schedule for a bit, so it's very possible we will be really sleep deprived. That is not a good time for any other stresses.

Daddy gets really excited when he feels you kicking. I think you two seem to have this unspoken understanding or something. Or maybe you just know who is daddy and who is mommy. I think you already know who I am because of my voice. I've been singing to you lately. Sometimes on our walks in the morning. We've been going on walks at about 7am for the past week and a half. You seem to do well on them, except for today, I must've pushed us too hard because I was in pain when I got home from my walk. That's why I'm working from home today. To just try and take it easy. I guess I'm not doing a very good job of relaxing. I just feel like there is so much to be done still and I'm barely there yet.

I need to run my baby boy. Below you will find a picture of us taken this morning. I think you're going to be a pretty big boy by the looks of my growing tummy.



I love you,

Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 22

Dear Baby boy,
I'm just a little over 22 weeks pregnant with you. What a little spit-fire you are! You are so active and bouncy I get tired just sitting sometimes! It's amazing to me what a vibrant little source of life you are just sprouting up in my tummy! I look extremely pregnant, maybe a little too big. I'm now committing to walking as often as I can. I think it will be good for both of us. I'd stopped because you were shifting down a little too low and giving me pains.

Last week, Daddy and I went to a mid-pregnancy class. It was very interesting to learn that just at 21 weeks you were hitting milestones that babies at the gestational age of 24-28 weeks normally hit. Baby, you're developing FAST.

This week we're starting to nail down baby shower stuff. I've started the registry for you, and man is there a lot to think of! Its a little overwhelming. I wish I could just have everything I need without having to think about it, compare brands, and consider the cost. I love shopping for you, but for the fun silly things, like clothes and nursery room stuff. Nail clippers, thermometers, they just make me a little confused. I really wont' know how you will handle all this stuff until you're born and I just have to try it out on you. Eeeek, I don't even want to think about clipping your teeny tiny nails, that just freaks me out. I tried to help my good friend Veronica with her daughter Sophia and it was so difficult when she was swinging her little arms all over the place. So maybe I'll give it a try while you're napping...

Baby you're arrival is so close, I'm getting sooooo excited. I can't wait to meet you!!! I feel you all the time, except right now, I think you're napping. The other night you gave me quite a scare. I guess you were napping for a few hours, because normally you're so active and you were just quiet that whole day until late that night. Daddy and I were so nervous, I was about to go to the hospital when suddenly you gave me 10 little kicks in about 10 minutes! The nurse told me to keep an eye out for at 3 kicks in two hours. So you can see why when you're not drumming up a storm I worry. Already little one, you have me so wrapped up around your little/big fingers. I'm sure my heart will turn to mush and everything I've learned with Christian will go out the window. Poor guy has learned that I can be really hard on him, but that's only because I want him to grow up in to a strong, good young man, as I wish for you too. But I can only do and say so much with your brother. After all, I am not his mommy. I am yours. But that doesn't stop me from loving him like his mommy. Someday baby this will all make sense to you. You will understand the bigger picture. When its time we will teach you all that you need to know and then some. You will NEVER go without, not as long as your daddy and I are alive. And even after that, nonna and nonno wouldn't let you go without.

I made this classical song list for you, and I'm listening to it right now. Its so beautiful baby that it makes me want to cry. Sometimes, the sound of instruments make such amazingly beautiful sounds that words cannot depict. When you are born, I will play this for you. Who knows, maybe it will inspire you to pick up an instrument and give it a try. Whatever you decide to do in life little one, you will always have my support. As long as you do it with love and keep God as number 1 in your heart.

I love you baby.

Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 21

Dear Son,
Today I am 21 weeks pregnant with you. we have 19 more weeks to go, until your expected appearance. Today, I discovered that you seem to really enjoy the group Journey. You were kicking and punching up a storm, right along to the beat of the music. It was amazing actually. Tomorrow daddy and I have a mid-pregnancy class to learn about what to expect during this time. I'm sure it will be really interesting.

We have finally picked out your name! We plan to call you Sebastian Joseph Urmeneta. Sebastian because your daddy loves this name, and Joseph because I want to honor nonnna and nonno and your great great nonno's also named Joseph. It's a family name in the Tranchina family that goes way way back. Also, your cousin Barnaby has the same middle name. :)

I can't believe how quickly the weeks are flying by. Today is probably the hottest day we will have this summer. Its currently 101 degrees outside. Christian just started school yesterday, he's a sophmore at Fremont High School. He's growing up so fast, I can barely believe my eyes sometimes. As are you my darling. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and take in your smell.

These past few days have been really super emotional for me. I seem to cry so easily. Your zia Rosie has been having some health issues, so I think that's adding to my worries. But mostly I worry about being good enough for you. I worry about change. I wish I could not worry so much. I'm sure once you and I meet, my view on everything will change completely. I already feel so protective of you. In fact I've stopped going to busy/crowded places, because I worry people will bump into me and hurt you. I'm getting really big! I've gained about 20lbs. I've never looked like this before. So, for the sake of remembering to write this, I wanted to mention that you kick a lot these days. So much, in fact sometimes it hurts, and other times you make me lose my breath because it's so hard. You kick and punch when you're hungry I think. If I go too long without eating, you seem to move around a lot like a little jumping bean, that's the size of a banana/small cantalope? I can't keep track of what size of produce you're supposed to resemble. But I think you should probably weigh about 10 oz. by now. Its amazing to feel you move around. Because sometimes when I'm working and caught up in something, you give me a little bump. It's a sweet reminder of your existence.

My friends Emma and Brenda gave us so many things baby! We have three carseats and numerous toys and so many clothes and things for you. Daddy and I have been marveling at how blessed we are to have such good friends. You are set until you are about a year or two old.

Anyway baby, I love you. I feel you a lot and dream about you. I can't wait to meet you. But take your time I need you to be fully baked before coming out. 40 weeks son, let's aim for that.


Love you,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 20

Dear Son,
What a fiesty little baby you are! You have been kicking and punching and moving and stretching like crazy! Sitting down is a bit of a challenge, moving around is even a challenge, I have to move slowly. I love how active you are because it really shows me how vivacious you are and you're just 5 months in utero!
Today I went to the doctors cause last night you gave me a scare. Coming back from lunch I think you got stuck in one position and could get out of it, it hurt me a lot physically. You felt like you were resting really low inside me. So I went home and after and I laid down, you did two rolls and stretched out. I think we both felt a lot better. I think you just need a little more space. Today the doctor listened to you heartbeat. What a strong little heart you have, it's like a chugging little train. It made me melt. Then he checked my urine and my cervix just to make sure I was tight as a drum and keeping you inside me, which I was. But with all this activity going on inside me, I feel like you've loosened things up inside me! I can't explain it very well, but I feel like its really easy for me to lose my balance and I seem to stumble around a lot. Its saftest if I am just laying down or sitting quietly.
I've been snippy lately...I've been told that your increasing testasterone is affecting me adversely. I've been really agressive and angry lately. I hope this doesn't go on for too long, cause I am not sure I even like me right now. I just keep thinking of the end result, you beautiful little you. I make daddy crazy these days. I guess he feels like he's walking on eggshells with me, cause no one knows when I'm going to blow. :( not even me, most of the time. One minute I feel fine, and the next I feel like I could strangle someone. And this is on most days.
I've been told that later on in our pregnancy the doctor will give me a kick counter to see how often you're kicking. I suppose your kicking is going to slow down a little with the decrease in space you have. You don't seem to mind it too much right now, because once you get tired of one area, you move on to the next. You seem to like kicking and poking the same spot over and over again.
I made a CD for you, all of the classical greatest hits. I hope you like it. When I listen to it, you seem to respond to the music. I wonder if you can hear the music that I hear. I know you can hear my voice. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm screaming all the time. I'll try to keep that in check. I want you to have a safe and comfy little haven, and I don't feel like I've done a very good job at providing that for you.
I can't wait to see you again sweet boy. We have an ultrasound in about a month. I'm sure you will have grown a lot since then. Daddy and I have a few classes coming up, one is a mid-pregnancy class, and the next one is birth readiness. I think they'll teach me how to handle birthing you and learning how to breath properly, etc. I'm excited. It's like the movies. Well my darling baby boy, I need to run. We still haven't agreed on a name for you yet. I feel like I need to wait to feel strongly about one name and so far I don't.

I love you to pieces.

Your Mommy

Pregnancy - week 19

Dear baby boy,
Last night you and I had a secret conversation while I was lying awake trying to fall asleep. I spoke to you with my thoughts. And here's something I don't know if I've told you, I apologize if I have.

Mommy: "have I told you lately how much I love being pregnant with you?"
You: ..quietness...
Mommy: "it's been a joy to carry you son. I don't want our time together to end."
You: ..thump, thump...roll....
Mommy: "I am so eager to hold you in my arms, I can smell your sweetness already."
You: ...quietness...thump, thump, poke.....
Mommy: "okay, okay, I know you don't like it when I lay on my right side, but laying on my back is so comfortable and scary at the same time. I will shift to my left side."
You: ...content....
Mommy: "goodnight son, I love you baby."
You: ...happy quietness....

Of course I don't really know if that's what you were feeling/thinking, but it's what I've imagined. I have visions of you sometimes in a little yellow onesie pajama, with dark hair, and a big diaper butt, and you're so cute. I can see the back of your head and you smell so sweet, like I could just drink you in.
You're really active, all the time. I'm trying to cut back on sugar and carbs, just to give you a winning chance, and myself a winning chance to stop gaining so much weight. To date I've gained 20lbs. We've got 4 more months baby, I need to slow things down. I want both of us to be healthy.
This weekend, Daddy and I are planning to clean out the garage. It's a chore neither of us are looking forward to, but I'm hoping it will give me a chance to offload a few things that are cluttering up your room. I still have to empty your closet, dismantle the shelves that currently reside above your crib. And empty the bookshelf, and find a new home for it, or paint it black. I don't know. I will most likely find a new home for it, because you desperately need a lamp, a changing table, and a glider with an ottoman. I don't know how/when I will be able to afford these things, but somehow, I just know that they will come.

I need to run. I love you baby.

Your mommy.

Pregnancy - Week 18

Dear baby boy,
Everyday you give me something new to feel. This past week your movements have gotten stronger and a little more painful. You don't seem to like it when I sit still for too long. Also when I get emotional it seems to affect you directly. I never really knew what to make of that bond between parent and child and now I am actually feeling it for myself. Its like you know I am upset and you get upset too. The other day while I was on hold with the DMV for over 20 minutes I was getting noticeably irritated and you kicked me so hard that it made my eyes water. Honey you're the size of a sweet potato! What will I do when you're the size of a sack of flour? :)
Daddy and I are getting increasingly excited about your entrance into this world. I think he felt you last weekend, although it was a faint little push, we felt you doing something for sure. Your brother just turned 15. What a teenager! He didn't want a party, didn't want anything actually. Except for an airsoft gun. He's such a funny boy. It's all part of growing up I guess. I think it's just hard for Daddy and I to accept that he isn't a little boy anymore. Although he's not quite an adult yet either...
I miss nonna terribly this week. She's still in England with Zia Rosie. I called them when they were in Italy, I got to chat with all of our relatives there. They're so excited about my darling. I look at your pictures from the amnio everyday and I just sigh and stare at you. You're so beautiful to me and you're physically such a little thing! Your amnio results came back last week and just as I'd predicted you're 100% okay and perfectly normal. I thank God for your health and well being, because baby if anything was wrong, I don't know what I'd do.
You're still causing my hormones to get a little crazy. Yesterday I cried on the way to work for no reason at all. I hear a song that we all love called "sweet disposition" by Temper Trap. I thought about Daddy, Chrisitan and you. And strangely I thought about how I would feel when we had to drop you off at daycare or your first day of school. I'm not ready to think about these things. I want our precious time with you to last and last.
I'm finding it's just easier for me right now to not dwell on things that are hard for me to think about. Like giving birth to you for example. It scares the daylights out of me, and I hope I do a good job at it, but for now, the obsession of it is going on the back burner, as are thoughts of your cute little body bouncing off to school with children your own age.

I love you my sweet little baby boy.

Your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 17

Dear Son,
I am now 17 weeks pregnant with you. Its recently dawned on me that I think I complain too much about my weight and stuff about my pregnancy to others. When in fact, I LOVE being pregnant with you. I love knowing that you're okay because I feel your movements all the time. More strongly now than ever before. More than anything, I'm so fascinated with your development, growth, and most importantly your soul. You amaze me daily, the miracle of you just astonishes me. I often wonder about your personality, what you will look like, but more than anything, I wonder what you will "feel" like to me. I know I will love you, that is a given, but how will that love that I have so deep inside me, meld with your being? How will I feel being the center of someone's universe? I've never been that to anyone or anything before. Sometimes, I get so scared, scared that I might fail, but often, I get really excited and happy. I know I say this over and over again, but being that big of a factor, or influential being for anyone can be intimidating. I hope that I can ingraine all the best that I have to offer in you. I have a feeling that you will make me a better person. I'm not a bad person, but see sometimes that I have selfish tendencies. Everyone does, but I think you will probably wipe that all away, and you know, I'm glad about that. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to throw myself into your life as selflessly and passionately as I am humanly able.
I want you to read this someday, and really undertand where I am coming from. I am 34 years old, I am a graphic designer, I am a wife (for 4 years as of yesterday) and a stepmom. Being a "mother" thankfully has felt more natural to me than not. I fear that I have made mistakes with your brother during this learning curve as his stepmom, and I hope someday he will forgive me, but there are things that I cannot give him emotionally that only his mother can. The best I can hope for is that he see's that I love him with all my heart, and hope that I represent what a good woman should be like to him. He is a wonderful boy. He will be immersed in manhood when you are old enough to read this. For that I am sorry, I had hoped that you two would be closer in age, but I think he will become quite protective of you. I have tried my best to give him what he needs in a mother. Daddy is a really really good dad to him and he will be to you too. There are feelings sometimes, that scare the heck out of me, because I think what if I am not good enough for you? I think a lot of women probably fear this. One thing I can absolutely gauruntee you with 100% of my heart, is that I will move heaven and earth to shield you from any harm, spiritually, physcially, emotionally. I worry about the girl that you will someday chose as your wife, because that will require me to let go. But I'm getting waaaay ahead of myself. One step at a time, and for now that first step is giving birth to you and holding your precious little body in my arms.
Below are the pictures we had taken of you during our amnio appointment last week, which by the way you handled magnificently!!!


I love you,
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 16 / Amnio / Gender

Dear Baby,
You're a boy!!!! I'm so surprised but so happy! You were a champ yesterday during our amnio appointment. You were so cute and active, and then you settled down and just let the doctor do what he needed to do. Our doctor was Dr. Meyer, he was very very good. He's been doing this for over 20 years. When they withdrew your fluid it was nice and clear and just looked like baby urine. I felt one pretty strong contraction and then it was done. The poke of the needle was actually quite painless. Having my blood drawn hurts more. You seem to be handling this whole procedure quite well. I had just a few cramps last night, but overall feel okay. I can't get over how something that freaked me out so much went so smoothly. Now we just have to wait until July 31st to get our test results. Hopefully they will come sooner. I know you're fine baby. They showed us your movements in the ultrasounds, and you were wiggling all over the place, at one point you showed us your cute little bum, and your little pee-pee. You had some really cute moments sweetness. We saw your feet pressed together, your left hand with all its fingers and you dramatically touching your head, like you were an actor or something. I couldn't get enough of you. We got to see all four chambers of your heart, your kidneys, all your bones, and other organs I'm sure I'm forgetting.
If I can get to it today, I am going to scan your ultrasound pictures and post them up here so I can always remember them. Everyone was so happy to hear the news about your gender. Baby it was a very happy day for me and Daddy and Christian. After all this time in my tummy you've been a little boy. I wonder what your personality will be like? I wonder what your likes and dislikes will be, and your temperment. I think you're going to be an active little one, but very very loving. I can feel you moving around, which is such a relief, at least I know that you're okay after yesterday and seem to be making the same movements inside me. I've been trying to drink a lot and keep myself hydrated for you.
The doctor tells us that you can possibly be born anytime between Dec. 29th and Jan. 4th. We'll see! You could be a New Years Eve baby! Daddy and I still haven't decided on your name, which is fine. I want the name we chose to feel right and seem like it belongs to you. So far, there are just a few choices that we agree on, but we'lll figure it out soon, I'm sure.

I think I am going to knit you something to wear when you come home from the hospital. It's hard to judge what your size will be, but I'll just estimate a little on the bigger side.
I love you baby, and am so delighted to finally know what your gender is. Its all coming together slowly.

I love you,
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 15 +

Dear Baby,
Tomorrow I get to see you again! I'm almost 16 weeks, I'll write another post when I am. But for today we're still just at 15 weeks. I saw you last week during an ultrasound, I was having problems breathing and I kept getting pains in my sides, and swollen feet. Turns out you're perfectly okay. But wow baby! You're big! I didn't expect you to be that big! You were really active too, moving your cute little arms and legs all over the place, and then you did this great big stretch, throwing your little head back. I think you're starting to get a little crammed in there.
Tomorrow is our amnio appointment. I'm really nervous baby, but I have to be calm for you. I know deep down in my heart that you're going to be okay. I just feel it. I know our results are going to come back perfectly fine and you will be a healthy, happy baby. The only thing I can't figure out yet, is if you're a girl or a boy...That part still puzzles me. I get boy feelings a lot these days, but early on dreamnt about girls. For some reason I always assumed I'd have a son before I had a daughter. But in a way, I do, I have Christian.
It's been hot these past few days. I went to the beach with my girlfriends on Saturday. We have this annual beach outing called L.O. Girls beach day. It marks the anniversary of the day we were all laid off from Duarte Design. That day we were so stunned and so lost. This past Saturday, (marked the third annual L.O. Girls Beach day) and it was pleasant. We had interesting conversations and really just enjoyed each other's company. My friends Lisa and Denise were there. They can't wait to meet you baby. Then on Sunday, Daddy, Christian and I went to Los Gatos and had breakfast and then went to Powells candy shop. That's one of our favorite things to do. You're brother was being a typical teenager, and I think we were all just hot and a little tense. But overall, it was a nice day. I wonder sometimes how those days are going to change when you are born. I think about how you're going to fit into our family. You will be loved and cherished no matter what, but it will be interesting to see the evolution of our little family. It's been just me Daddy and Christian for many years baby, about 8. It may take some adjusting. I just wish you'd had a chance to grow up with your brother, he's going to be 15 years older than you. He will love you, I'm sure of it, but I know that he's spent a lot of his childhood waiting to meet you. You're going to be a big deal for all of us.
Nonna is going to England and then to Italy. She leaves on Wednesday. She's going to visit her cousin, baby. It's going to be a difficult trip for her I think. Maria is one of her dearest cousins and she doesn't have a lot of time left to live on this earth with us. I pray for her that God welcomes her gently. This will be the second loss of a close friend / family relative for me this year. It's been challenging, but I'm starting to see that I am much more strong than I ever thought I was. I never thought I could cope with loss, but I can. I also have learned how good I am getting at coping with gain! We've gained you my precious little one. Hopefully tomorrow you will reveal to us if you're a boy or a girl, I can't wait to start getting you things!!!

I love you,
your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 14

Dear Baby,
I'm not feeling so hot today. I woke up a lot last night with stretching pains all around my tummy. I doubt that Daddy got a good night's sleep because I was so wrestless. I kept looking down at the floor near my side of the bed thinking that's where I'd want to put a basinette for you to lay in. I had this picture in my mind of having my hand in it just to touch you.

Our amnio appointment is coming up baby, I am nervous for us. But I want you to know that it's going to be okay. Just please be still while the doctor does what he/she needs to do, and I promise I will take it easy after that. In fact I will be working from home for the rest of that week just so I can lay in bed and make sure that we recover peacefully. I need your fluids to be replenished during that time. I've been reading that talking to you will put you at ease. I don't even think that's necessary because I think you can feel my thoughts. I know you feel what I feel right now, so I am doing my best to feel wonderful. For both of us.

Zia Rosie and Barnaby left yesterday. Me, Nonna and Nonno are really sad. Its always really strange when they go, cause it's like really she never left CA. We used to live together when she lived here, I really miss those times. But now that she's in another country, baby I miss her so much. Love works in such mysterious ways. Barnaby is a sweetheart, I kept trying to tell him about you but I think being 4 years old it was a tough concept for his little mind to grasp. He loves Christian and Daddy so much. He was Christian's little shadow when he was here. You will love him too baby, he's a sweet little boy.

I am at work right now so I can't type much. I'm having a hard time focusing and staying on track. I keep thinking about you. Its so funny baby, right now you're about the size of my fist inside of me, and my thoughts are so preoccupied by what is best for you. I hope I don't leave Daddy or Christian out. I love them so much, they know that I love them, but sometimes I wonder if I show them that enough. Last night, I laid down on the floor of our bedroom with Buster our dog. He's such a sweet animal. He has so much love in his eyes baby. He's like my doggy baby, he even snorts and rubs his eyes like a little baby. It's really cute, but sometimes I wonder if its just cute to me because I love him so much?

Anyway baby I'm kind of moody today and still in a bit of pain. People keep telling me that this is only the beginning. I can only imagine what my body will feel like in a few months. I'm just super excited to begin feeling your little arms and legs move.

I love you baby.

Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 13

Hello Baby,
I'm a little behind in my posts. As I'm almost 14 weeks right now. I'll post again a little later this week to catch up. I've been away from the computer because it's been 4th of July weekend! Last night we had a nice lunch with your uncle Johnathan, and his family and then watched the fireworks with the rest of our family (my mom, dad, and sister and little Barnaby) it was magical. I love the 4th of July.

This week, you've been growing, I can feel it. I can also feel your movements even though people tell me it's too soon. Sometimes, when I am just sitting around I can feel you move super fast like a fast little flutter. It really amazes me that you're so active! People keep telling me that you're going to be a girl, but lately baby, I've been feeling boy feelings. I really have no clue what your gender will be, but it really doesn't matter to me.

Last week, Daddy and I bought your crib. I think we bought the wrong one cause it doesn't covert the way we want it to. I'm not sure, I think we may just keep it, I don't know yet. Your room is still filled with office junk and desperately needs cleaning, we still have an old mattress in there that we need to get rid of.

The weather has been really nice these past few weeks. Nice and warm. Sometimes, we don't do too well in the heat. We seem to get a little agitated. I feel really bloated, and my head starts hurting, so it's best for me to stay in an air-conditioned environment.

I'm really kind of sad baby, this week, your Zia Rosie and cousin Barnaby are leaving to go home to England. They've been here for almost 10 days! I've gotten to see them a lot which makes me really happy. Tonight I am going to have dinner with them and Nonno and Nonna. The next time I will see them will be sometime in February, after you are born. Your uncle Matthew will come back with them to meet you.

The other night baby, I had the strangest feeling. I was watching TV with Daddy just dozing off, and then suddenly I had a vision of you at full term, all tucked away in my uterus. You were a pretty large baby and you were so squished. And then I woke up holding my tummy. Cause suddenly it hit me...I'm your mommy! You're going to rely on me for the rest of your life. Which I don't mind baby, but it's an adjustment for me. I've never really had anyone rely of me except for Daddy and Christian and even then, they're rather easy. But I will be your everything, for a very long time. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I wasn't a little scared, more excited than scared. I just want to make sure that I do everything perfectly for you. We're going to be learning togehter baby, and I'm really looking forward to it. I just hope I don't screw anything up. Your life means the world to me. I think about you daily and wonder what you're going to look like, although sometimes, I think I have a faint idea. I know you will be beautiful to me no matter what. Big, small, girl, boy whatever. You're ours. Because God is trusting us with you. I hope that we can do a good enough job to provide you with everything that you need.

I love you baby, and can't wait to meet you!

Your mommy.

Pregnancy - Week 12

Dear Baby,
Today I am 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant with you. I feel you all the time now. You're amazing. Sometimes it hurts and other times I just feel like I'm being stretched out. The other day I was laying down watching TV waiting for work to come in and I jumped! Just like that - out of nowhere! I think you did a complete circle inside of me! It happened so fast! At first I worried that maybe I've been eating too much sugar or something, but then I just relaxed and realize that you're just growing and becoming active. Baby, I was already a little overweight when I first got pregnant, but now, I look rather large! I am starting to wonder if you're going to be big like your older brother. Another funny thing that's been happening is my dreams! Baby I don't know what you're thinking or feeling when I'm asleep but you give me very vivid and incredible dreams. I can ony imagine the depth of what your imagination will blossom into. I dream of outer space, deep ocean sea life, like big beautiful whales and sometimes Hawaii.

Your Zia Rosie and cousin Barnaby are here visiting from England. I love spending time with them, I don't get to see them that often. So it's been a real treat having them here, they are only here for 10 days. Nonna is having a wonderful time with them. She misses them a lot when they leave. She just keeps waiting and praying for you. We all are baby. You're so wanted, so many people are waiting for you. Daddy and I the most. We know how much you're going to change our lives. Even now just being pregnant with you, you've made me a better person. I care about things in ways I never felt before. Its usually because I'm thinking of you and your saftey and health. I think of the love you give me even now. I know that sounds crazy baby, but I can feel it. I can feel what an amazing little person you are even now. As I type this, you're moving around inside me. I can feel you at the bottom of my uterus. Sometimes it feels like you're dragging your feet, other times it feels like you're dancing. I think you know when I'm thinking about you.

Looking around the room, I am sitting in our living room, on white leather couches. I'm watching Buster sleep soundly, I smell lemon cheescake bars that I'm baking and I feel so tranquil and peaceful. I love my life baby. We are so blessed. We have so much in our lives that make it complete and whole, you are the frosting on this cake. I think of you everyday little one, and I smile.

I love you,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 11

Dear Baby,
Today, I'm 11 weeks pregnant with you. I can't believe how fast this time is flying by! I got to see you in my ultrasound today. I went to the doctor's unexpectedly because I developed a rash yesterday on my tummy. So today it wasn't planned. But I got to see you and baby you're sooooo cute. Your head is rather large and your tummy sticks out. It's so cute. It looks like you were resting in a little hammock.

Seeing scans of you makes this whole thing so real to me, in a way that I cannot explain. It's like our little window to you, because other than my few symptoms and a bump its like I'm just me. But I'm not, I'm an extraordinary me right now, I'm me with you!

Today, daddy and I have finally announced you to the world. Well to the internet at least and all of our friends and family on Facebook. Baby your so cute, I can't take my eyes off of you, even in this blurry ultrasound. I can see how easily children become their parents' world. I just hope I can remember to include other people when you are born. I am fairly convinced that I will be nothing short of obsessed with you for your whole life.

Thank you baby, for making my world such a beautiful place. Thank you for coming to us at the time that you did. God's timing was perfect!

Love you,
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 10

Dear Baby,
this week, I'm just over 10 weeks pregnant with you. I can't say that it has been super easy so far because pregnancy has been a little challenging. Not to say that I don't love having you with me at all times, but growing you has been a learning experience for me.

Before we conceived you baby, we found out that I had this thing called "Hashimoto's disease." It's an auto immune disease, where my body creates antibodies that attack itself. (more particularly my thyroid) When the doctor discovered this problem, she immediately put me on medication which helped so much. That was just a few months before I became pregnant. But since then, my medication has been a moving target. Getting pregnant with you made my thryoid function a little wonky so they had to increase the medication. So far you and I both seem to be okay with it all. There are days that are more difficult than others. What normal women seem to go through in terms of hormonal challenges seem to be an uphill battle for me. I feel like I did before we conceived you. I feel really emotional, I cry very easily, and I get angry even easier. I don't like feeling this way baby. I'm grumpy a lot of the time, and have been having a hard time feeling like my happy self, even though God's given us the most incredible gift to be happy about! I even cry at watching commercials! Lately these days, I feel really lonely. I really want these mood swings to stop because I'm making myself and everyone around me miserable. My only prayer is that you don't feel any of this baby. I don't want you feel what I've been feeling, although I hear its inevitable. Sometimes, I think you do because you cause little pains here and there when I'm feeling my worst. It's like you're saying "Mom, just relax."

I have been working from home for the past several weeks, and tomorrow I go back to work. I'm okay with this. I think I've been feeling a little too isolated. I miss seeing people around me. Although I don't know what I'm going to do when I get really tired in the afternoon, when I can hardly keep my eyes open! When we get closer to your due date baby (around Christmas / New Years Eve) I'll be with our whole family and that's what matters to me the most baby. You, your daddy, your brother, you aunties, my parents, my sister, daddy's family, all of them. I sometimes wonder if you'll arrive early. You will get to meet some of my closest friends visiting for the holidays! But you just take your time baby, you come when you're good and ready. I'll be waiting here.

Oh I almost forgot to mention! I've started creating a quilt for you with little baby sheep and bright yellow flowers on it. I think you're going to like it. Your nursery is going to be yellow. Daddy and I have been looking at cribs, changing tables and rocking chairs for your room. I want it to be perfect for when you arrive. I want you to fit right in, even though I'm sure you'll be sleeping with us for a while. :)

I love you baby, and even though I've been feeling really crummy this week, you're worth every effort and more.

Love,
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 9

Dear baby,
This week has been an interesting one. I've been thinking about your health and well being a lot. I think I am going to have an amnio (It's a test where they take the fluid from the sack that you're in to see what your chromosomes look like) Baby, I know we'll be okay, and I know that you're just fine, but I have to feel 100% certain. It will remove a few tablespoons of your fluid, but you will recreate it just like that! It's been a hard decision, because I don't want to do anything that could harm you, but I need to know that you're in good health. For mine and daddy's sake and peace of mind.

Today, you've been especially active. I've been feeling all sorts of little pains and things. At lunch I had some yogurt and I don't know if you liked it a bunch or what, cause you were making things feel strange like moving. So I put my hand up against the place where I felt it, and you did it again, against my hand! You're a very active little one. You're about the size of an olive this week, and you're fingers, eyes, shoulders, and limbs are formed. You're still growing, but in just a few short weeks you'll be 100% formed, and will just start putting on weight. My boobs hurts a little too, sometimes they alternate, but the pain is there. They're getting ready to feed you I think. Trust me, baby you will NOT go hungry. :)

Nonna and Nonno left for a cruise yesterday. They are on a ship with Zia Nunziella, Uncle Peter, Jim, Lucy, Stella and Alberto. All of whom you will meet I'm sure shortly after your birth. They are all so excited about you. I'm glad they're having a good time. Their cruise ship left San Francisco and is going to stop in Alaska and Canada. It sounds like a really lovely time, I hope Nonno takes a lot of pictures. Your daddy and I really like the warm tropical weather. Maybe someday we'll take you to Hawaii. He grew up there. I love it there baby, if I had the chance I'd move there. But we don't want to be too far from our family and loved ones. And I don't want to take you away from them either.

You know baby, I'm amazed everyday at all the wonderful things you're allowing me to feel and experience. It's a beautiful reminder of my own humanity, and the blessings of God. Its been an honor to be able to carry you with me.

I love you.
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 8 Update

Dear Baby,
Daddy and I got to see you on ultrasound today! Oh my goodness baby you've grown so much since two weeks ago!!! I can see your little head, and your body, and your heartbeat! Your heart was beating 164 beats per minute! So fast! Honey, when I look at your pictures, I feel so happy. I can't explain it, its like my heart opens up and there's a flood of emotion that pours out. And it's all because of you. I can't even begin to imagine how happy you're going to make us. I can't wait to feel you in my arms and see your beautiful little face staring back at me.

Baby, every time I get the opportunity to see you, I really truly see what a little miracle and blessing you are in my life. You have given me so much to get excited about. I love your daddy so much. I thought about this on my way home from the hospital today. I love him so so much, that its an honor to carry about a little part of him (you) inside me. I love how his face softens when he see's your image. I love how he loves Christian more than life, because baby he's going to be the same way for you. He already loves you and you're not even here yet! We fell asleep the other night, and his hand lay resting on my tummy so he could be near you. Baby it was so beautiful that it made me want to cry. You're so very wanted, and loved.

I love you.
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 8

Dear Baby,
Today I am a little over 8 weeks pregnant with you. I have been working from home, and baby it's been divine. I get to spend a lot more time with Daddy and Christian. I've been hunting around for furniture for your nursery too. I'm so excited for your arrival! Tomorrow we have another ultrasound to see how you're doing. I'm really excited about it, maybe even a little bit scared. I know you're going to be okay. We have two appointments actually, Daddy will come to the first one and I think Nonna is coming to the second one. I'm not sure yet.
Its' been raining this week, which is a little unusual for May. Sometimes the rain makes me a little sad, because I really want to see sunshine. Baby you're going to love living here. California has the nicest weather. Its very moderate but still crisp enough to feel the change of the seasons. I keep wondering if you're going to make your appearance early or late. If you're early, you'll be born sometime after Christmas. This year, we're going to spend it near home just in case you do. I want to be close to the hospital. Most of the time we spend it with your Auntie Tonia. You will love her baby, she's such a good person. She will love you too. She and your Nonna (both of them) have dreamed about you. Your Zia Nunziella has dreamed about you too. She's Nonna's sister.
I really want you to learn Italian baby. I want you to be able to speak it well, and be able to use it to your advantage. I'm sure Nonna is going to speak to you in Italian quite a bit. Also you'll be able to go to England to spend time with your Zia Rosie too! Baby you have family all over the globe!
Physically this week, you've been quiet. I think its still too soon to feel you, right now I just feel minor cramping here and there, and strangely I see stars when I get up too fast. I eat, and sleep and work a lot. I'm a little nervous to exercise too hard because I don't want to hurt you. I've been told that in a few weeks I'm going to start feeling a lot better. Lately these days, I've been feeling like throwing up a lot. I've only thrown up once so far, but feel sick for almost the whole day on most days. I'm pretty tired too. I can fall asleep instantly!
I've been looking at clothes for you. I'm itching to go shopping. But we still don't know if you're a boy or a girl, so it would be a little silly to buy you anything yet. The stores really carry a lot of pink and blue stuff. But blue is my favorite color, so even if you're a girl you'll probably have blue things anyway. And daddy is going to make sure that eventually you will be enrolled in jujitsu. He wants to make sure that you can defend yourself. I think this is a great idea. Either way, boy or girl you will always know how to protect yourself, if we can't. But my promise, as always is to do whatever is humanly possible to make sure that you're well taken care of, protected, and loved at all times.

I can't wait to meet you!

I love you.
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 7

Dear Baby,
I am now 7 weeks pregnant with you. My moods are starting to change as I am now starting to feel the full throttle of the hormonal shift. It has been a little difficult. I find that my moods change really fast, and I can't really eat. I'm very nauseated. I am really tired these days. Some days its hard to even keep my eyes open.
After seeing your little heartbeat on the ultrasound last week, it really made you real to me. I actually saw it pulsating. That was the most amazing thing. Its strange to think that just a few months ago, after a routine visit with my doctor, my uterus was completely empty! God is truly amazing baby. Never forget that. I had lost so much hope in the process of trying to conceive you that I felt like my time with you would never come. But here it is! Everyday is a new adventure, carrying you inside me. I sometimes wonder what I'm going to feel next. You really really don't like sweet food, or foods that have too much flavor. I've learned to love very plain things like rice cakes, plain fruit, I LOVE apples, and bananas.
Nonna and Nonno saw your ultrasound picture, which sits nicely in a frame next to our bed. Their eyes softened up and they got so excited. Daddy's eyes smile when he see's your picture. My heart just fills with love baby. You have a way of doing that to me. I can be having a really bad day, or feel like crying (for no reason) and just thinking of you brings light to my heart.
I wonder what you will be! The wait is so hard! We have 11 more weeks until we can find out if you're a girl or a boy. I don't care. You'll be so sweet, you'll be ours.

I love you.

your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 6 and 3 days

Dear baby,
Yesterday we got to hear your heartbeat and see you in an ultrasound. It was the most amazing thing ever. You're so tiny! But the sack your in is nice and big, I think you're comfy. Your little heart was beating 122 beats / minute. Baby you sounded like a little hummingbird. I was so nervous about going to this doctor's appointment. I was scared they were going to say "what baby? you're not pregnant!" I didn't even get a chance to cry, I was more worried about you than anything. I think my blood pressure sky-rocketed because my face felt so hot. Your daddy was there with me. He's been sick lately so he wasn't feeling well. He was happy to see you too. Every time we look at your ultrasound picture we smile. It's hard not to smile when we think of you.

This morning baby, I think I had a vision of you. I don't know if you're a boy or a girl yet, but in my vision you were a cute little girl with almond shaped green eyes, wavy brown hair, and light skin like mine. You were maybe about 2 years old. You were just smiling at me. It's the first vision I've had since I've been pregnant with you. I'm not sure if God has decided what your sex will be, but it was an amazing experience regardless.

You've been on my mind all night baby. Yesterday, after our ultrasound, I had my blood sugars tested, and they seemed fine. Later that night I went swimming for an hour. I love swimming because its so peaceful and beautiful. Blue is my favorite color and seeing all of it with such tranquility is a treat for me. I was just talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she was saying how all of our senses are so heightened when we're pregnant, and it's true! Baby, I could literally smell the dried grass along the side of the freeway the other day while I was driving in my car. I have superman senses right now. I love it. Colors look so much more vibrant than I remember them. I wonder if its because this is how you'll see the world pretty soon. I don't know.

I love you baby.

your mommy.

Pregnancy - Week 6

Dear Baby,
This week, I'm 6 weeks pregnant with you. Today is Tuesday, on Thursday, your Daddy and I will get to see you in an ultrasound! I think we might be able to see your heart beating. I can't wait baby! I'm so excited! This week, your facial features and bone structure are starting to form. You have little buds where your hands and feet will be, and a little dimples where your nose and eyes will be. I know you're going to be precious no matter what you look like. If you're a boy, I hope you look like your Daddy. He's very handsome baby, so is your brother. They are two of the most handsome guys I know. I have no doubt you will join ranks with them. If you're a girl, well, maybe I'm vain, but I kind of hope you look somewhat like me :) No matter who you take after, you will be beautiful. You already are, because just by carrying you means I carry a little piece of God inside me.
This week I've been experiencing morning sickness. I haven't actually thrown up, but your presence is definitely known to my body. I can't seem to digest food very easily. You seem to really like Italian food, and Japanese food. Which really doesn't surprise me. You seem to hate broccoli. Watermelon is a plus for both of us. So far, you really like fruit and really plain food. Which is fine with me, as long as you're getting enough nutrients from me.
I've been keeping busy with work, taking care of your Daddy, brother and dog, and keeping active. I love swimming, lifting weights, walking, and yoga. I have a distinct feeling you like them too, because my body feels really at peace when I do any of these things. Except work, it can be a little stressful sometimes. But for the most part, I love what I do, so I think that on that level I'm blessed. I'm an artist baby. I'm a designer and I think of all the wonderful things I'll design for you quite often. I've already started planning out your nursery. I just have to slow down because I don't want to spend too much too soon.
I think of you all the time baby. I am not sure if you can actually hear me, but pretty soon, I think I'll start playing music for you to listen to. Beautifully, peaceful music, that will make you feel good.

Love you.

Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 5

Dear Baby,
Tomorrow I will be exactly 5 weeks pregnant with you. This week, your heart and your circulatory system are starting to form. You are about the size of an orange seed, with a little tail. You have a neural tube, which will eventually become your spinal cord, and your brain.
Baby, sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I think, "ahh, another day." and I just go about my way. But before I do, I remember that I'm pregnant with you and I get so happy! I'm filled with so much joy just thinking about you. Your daddy and I are really excited and a little nervous. Daddy I think is going to melt when he meets you. Your brother Christian, is convinced you're a boy. I'm honestly not quite sure what you are, sometimes, I have a feeling you're a girl, but most of the time I'm not at all sure. I'm going to love you no matter what you are. You know why? Because God has given you to us as a gift. And I promise I will always cherish you and keep you close to my heart. I will always protect you no matter what.
This week, I'm starting to experience morning sickness, and I'm finding that you don't really like it when I eat sweets. You seem to favor protein like chicken, red meet, yogurt, and nuts. Sometimes, fruit. I used to love chocolate and this week, I really can't even stand to smell it. Speaking of smell, my sense of smell has become super strong! I feel like Buster, I can smell something from really far away and usually my nose doesn't like it. I hosted a baby shower yesterday. My good friend Shelly is going to have a baby girl named Natasha. You will definitely meet her someday. I've been getting cramps too lately, I think its just you making space inside of me for your growth. As long as you're okay and healthy, I am happy.

I love you baby, and thank you for coming into our lives.

Your mommy.

Pregnancy - Week 4

Dear Baby,
I'm your mommy. Its very nice to meet you. I can hardly believe I'm writing this. We've been trying to conceive you for about a year and a half. I was just a few days away from getting a surgery to help us get pregnant. I think you must've known that I secretly didn't want to be operated on, because you saved me! Your daddy and I found out that we were pregnant with you "officially" yesterday. We're so excited about you. Your appearance came at a very good time in our lives. Just last week, I lost one of my best friends and I was so sad. I wish you would've been able to meet her. Her name was Frances. Baby, she was funny, amazing a wonderful friend and very much like a sister to me. Had she been alive she would've been one of your "aunties."

But you came at just the right time, just when God decided you needed to be here with us. You're a blessing to us baby, such a little gift in our lives, that I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to be your mommy. I'm at work right now, so I can't say a lot, because I might start crying.

At this very moment in time, you have a 14 year old big brother, a boxer named Buster, a mommy who's 34 and a daddy who's 40. This doesn't even include the aunties, uncles, and many many cousins (all over the world) that are aching to meet you. Your big brother doesn't know about you yet. We're going to surprise him soon with the news. We're going to make him a t-shirt and take him out to dinner. He's been asking about you for years. I think this will make him happy. He's just finishing up his first year in high school. Baby you're going to love him. He's an amazing boy, he's going to love you too, I'm sure of it.

These past few days have been so exciting, I can't stop talking about you and I keep wondering if you're a girl or a boy. It really doesn't matter, because we'll love you unconditionally no matter what your sex is. The mention of you alone has made many people cry. The first thing your daddy and I did after we found out about you, was hug, cry, laugh, and then we kneeled down and prayed for you.

Thank you baby, for making me so happy.

Love you,

Your mommy.

Strange Dreams

So, its looking like another month of nothing...It's okay, I think I saw it coming. Since I've started BBT charting, much to everyone's chagrin, it's starting to show me my own patterns. Which is nice, I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. I think I can confidently walk into a Dr.'s office now and show him what I think might be the problem. And I have a feeling that the progesterone levels aren't consistent enough. They rise and fall too often during the luteal phase. Scary that I even know this stuff. I'm a designer, not a doctor. :)

Last night I had the strangest dream about the "ex" - not mine. I dreamnt that she and I met somewhere and had a very very long chat. I think about our differences and just really hashed things out. I think that's what my heart wants. I don't like to hang on to anger, but sometimes she just does the most stupid things, that I really wonder where her priorities are. After hanging out with friends this weekend, I'm realizing that our ex-woes are not so far off. Some people have it even worse. I guess I just feel more maternal towards my stepson now. I've been a pretty prominent female figure in his life for a while, and he's starting to feel like my own. I see how she makes him feel and the worry in his heart for her. And quite honestly it angers me to no end that a child should feel this way. It's not his responsibility to worry if his mother lives or dies. Sure as we become adults that's always in the back of our minds, but at 14 it shouldn't keep you up at night. Damn her for that. And to her defense (which is weak) but I understand she just doesn't know how to do her job. She tries, albeit her attempts are week and most often insignificant. Her focus is on fun, not the hard stuff that we face on a daily basis. She will never understand just how much weight that responsibility carries. Honestly I never thought I'd inherit a little boy. He's enriched our lives so much. When he's away, something is really missing.

I would love nothing more than to give him a sibling. Something he's begged for from us for years. I hate that he's had to grow up feeling so alone. He thinks we love him too much. Better to love too much than not enough. But still. A small piece of my heart hurts for her too. Maybe I'm just feeling all weepy cause my hormones are fluctuating. But she just makes me sad. Sad because she will never truly feel the fulfillment, joy, pride, and happiness a mother should really feel. I thank God for giving me such a good set of parents.

thank you thank you thank you.

Light My Path

I don't know why, I keep seeing this image of a lantern at night. It keeps popping up in my head. I think sometimes, that's just how I feel about motherhood. Like, I'm just barely seeing my way, and the only light I have is God's light, to light my path. Strange, I know. I just had to get this out of my head, and onto something, whether it be paper or a blog. I have about another week to find out if I'm pregnant. Pray for us. It's been almost 13 months of trying.

Chicken and Dumpling Soup

Last night was a quiet night, with much needed rest. We were all feeling a little out of it, so we opted to eat in. I was very much in the mood for some soup, so I found a good recipe and of course modified it and served it up. It was so good that I wanted to document it someplace so I could find it at a later date. (*Please note, that I use organic ingredients, and grass-fed, or free roaming meat, whenever possible). It was nice last night, having our soup and staying in watching a rental. It was nice to be able to feed my family something so yummy and good. Here's the recipe. - Not light in calories!




Chicken and Dumpling Soup
(serves about 4 big servings)

Ingredients:
1 organic onion (roughly chopped)
2 1/2 organic carrots (roughly chopped)
3 stalks of organic celery (finely/roughly chopped)
3-4 cloves of garlic (pressed in a garlic press)
1 1/2 cup of organic frozen peas
1 1/2 container of Organic Cream of Chicken & Garlic Soup (found at whole foods)
4 free range, and hormone free chicken breasts
1 tube of natural buttermilk biscuits (pre-made)
2 Tbsp. of organic all purpose flour
2 Tbsp. of extra virgin olive oil
1 Tbsp. of butter
1 tsp. each of oregano, dried parsley, onion powder, and pepper (salt to taste, but add after adding each layer)

Start by chopping carrots, celery, onion. Press garlic and set aside. Preheat olive oil and butter in a large pot. Add carrots, celery, and onion. Saute for about 5 minutes. Then add garlic, salt and pepper. Allow to sweat.

Rinse and dry chicken breast. Cut into 1/2 -1" cubes. Place cubes in a ziplock bag (if available) or a large bowl will do. Toss with flour, salt and pepper. Add coated chicken to the sauteed veggies and allow to cook thoroughly. Stir often so the bottom doesn't burn.

While chicken is cooking, begin quartering biscuits and rolling quarters into small balls with them palms of your hands, and set aside. Add soup mixture to the chicken and veggies mix. Slowly stir in oregano, parsley, pepper and onion powder and frozen peas. Bring to a boil.

Reduce heat to med/low and add dumplings to the pot. Carefully stir without sinking them. Allow to simmer for about 10-15 minutes. To check if dumplings are done, insert a toothpick, when it comes out clean, they're ready. Remove from heat promptly, and enjoy!. (For a little added kick, add a few drops of hot sauce) My family puts hot sauce on everything.

Bon Apetit!

New Year, New Hope

Well, I didn't get what I wanted the most for Christmas...an itty bitty peanut of our own. But I did gain a few more things (not just lbs) but perspective.

Timing...A very dear friend of mine, opened my eyes to the possibility of / and the definition of "the right timing." I hear this all the time, but the way she phrased it was so poignant that it really struck a cord with me. She said "maybe, your baby will meet someone really special, that will have a life altering affect on them, or the love of their lives, 27 years from now." "And just maybe, that very special person hasn't been born yet, or they aren't on the exact path they're meant to be on, in order to meet your baby at exactly the right time." Wow..just wow. I know I've thought about this in a fleetingly in the past, but I never really sat with it, and nurtured the thought. It makes sense and it's given me patience on another level. The sadness comes and goes, with each passing month. As I realize I've gotten my period, and our efforts at conception have failed, but now, its almost as if the thought of the "right time" might save me from a little bit of grief.

I've nostalgically learned how to knit this holiday season. I've always known how to crochet, but now, I'm doing something I've always wanted to do, knit! I'm not an expert, and am still painfully slow, but at some point, I'm going to get this baby book and start down the path of creating some really cute knitted baby items. If not for our little one, then to give away as gifts for others.Otherwise, I've tried to keep up the workouts. I'm starting to learn when I can and can't really push my workouts hard. Sometimes, I cramp up. I think it's due to the weight gain, but I'm planning on doing something 5 days a week. My plan is to do cardio and weight training, and to start cutting out sugar from my diet. I know this is a lofty goal, but I'm going to do it. I'll still eat healthily this way my diet won't have to change so dramatically once we do become pregnant.

Happy New Year everyone!!