Thoughts on NOT trying to conceive

So this month has been a lot busier than I expected. I'm bummed that I am down to one blog posting a month, I'll try to stay on top of that!

This month, we've decided to not try to get pregnant. Since we're going to Vegas at the end of the month, and hubby's bday and Thanksgiving are just around the corner, I want the freedom to have a few drinks. I'm okay with this. In my last post, it dawned on me how the how control factor had me by a stranglehold. Well, it's completely quite the opposite now. I haven't done any OPK testing or have had any crazy ocd thoughts about it. It just dawned on me last night that I didn't feel that good, and strangely enough, I looked at the calendar and I think I'm ovulating. I felt a little sad at first, but then a little relieved. No two week wait this month. I can just go about my business like I'd normally do and just think about it next month. It was almost liberating. I think I've been pushing myself so hard this year to try and get myself mentally and emotionally prepared to be a mother, that I've just sort of left the rest of me along the curb. I've been really pushing us both a little too hard. I can see it now, in retrospect that it's been tough coming to terms with not getting pregnant right away, and feeling like something of a failure in this area. But now...I just need to feel okay with myself. I need to feel okay even if we don't get pregnant. I know this sounds odd. But I have to know that no matter what happens, my life won't fall apart if I don't get pregnant. I have so much to live for. I have an absolutely amazing husband, an amazing step-son and a family of in laws and parents, cousins, and so many relatives and friends that love me. Life will not end for me. Not yet at least.

Sometimes, its just easier to get caught up in the wanting than to really look at your circumstances. I mean a nice long hard look and go "okay..this is where I'm going." To consciously be aware of your direction. Our direction has been all over the place. Raising a teen before an infant has been a learning and challenging experience for me. My step-son has been a blessing in my life and also the biggest lesson I've ever learned. He's taught me so much about myself. I'm not all that bad, and man do I have some deep seated issues. lol. But mostly, he's teaching me how to love without conditions. He shaping me up to be a mother in ways that other women never get the chance to have. He tests, and tests, but the way I see it, it's making me much stronger for the future. Whenever baby comes, they'll have their big brother to thank for breaking us in. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this wonderful autumn month and the beautiful memories its going to bring.