"Go Home" starring Aunt Flo and other breakthrough characters.

So, she's visiting...I had such high hopes this month...It's okay, I know it's not up for debate. "Gods timing", I keep telling myself that, yet I can't help but want, hope and pray for more. This coming month though, I think we're going to throw in the towel. Since we'll be in Vegas at the end of Nov. I want to be able to drink and enjoy myself without the guilt, I'll still monitor what's happening and when just for charting sake but I'm not going to intentionally push the topic. Also, there's going to be so much smoking that we'll be around by default when we go to Vegas, I don't want that junk in my lungs especially when we're trying to conceive. Also, I want to commemorate hubby's 40th with a nice glass of something and not feel like I'm a jerk for considering it "if" I'm preggers.

December. c'mon December....

I just have this feeling that its going to happen early next year. I don't know why. 2010. Wow. it's just even weird to write that date.

Last night wasn't as bad as it could've been. Just a little wateriness in the eyes and a brief moment of self-defeat. I guess I'm stressing everyone out about this. Ok, maybe just hubby. But maybe he's right. Mabye I need to take the "mania" out of babymaking and just let go. Its just always been so hard for me to "go with the flow" with anything in my life. I've always been the ambitious type. If I see something that I want, I go after it. I don't give up and I work work work until I can make it happen. I guess this is why I have such an issue with people that are so defeated about their lives. I know that with God's help we can change anything. We can do anything, achieve anything. So, I'm optimistic. Maybe that's the lesson in all this. I just need to apply my ambition towards this topic in a more constructive way...Uhh. I think I just had a breakthrough. Maybe I need to consciously refrain from testing, or charting, or obsessing over the calendar, scale back a little and loosen my grip. OMG, is THAT what this is? Is it control? Eeek. Am I just trying too hard to control my own environment? How silly is that? Who can possibly control their future?

Wow...I guess I have a lot to think about.

A New Day, A New Symptom...

Today, thankfully my mood is so much better than yesterday. I don't know if it was a combination of tiredness, or just letting my body rest last night, or what. But whatever it was that I did, or didn't do, helped.. I didn't workout last night and instead opted to make a nice healthy ramen dish for my guys and catch up on some tv, which funny enough ended up being me watching "Its the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!"

Just letting myself veg-out on the couch after dinner was so nice and such a luxury. I think it was exactly what I needed, because today, the pill-ish attitude and volcanic tremors have thankfully subsided. I don't feel crazy today, and thank GOD I don't feel like I need to hurt someone. I know something's going on with my little hormones because this is such a swing for me. I'm normally pretty mellow and have a steady demeanor. (most of the time)

Today, cramps. Cramps galore. Again *my disclaimer - it could be PMS, I'm not claiming it is or isn't I'm just noting facts* HOWEVER, cramping this early on is a little unusual for me, so I'm excited about this new little symptom. The cramping was mild before lunch, and after walking back from the cafeteria with my friend, and sitting back at my desk, they're starting to get stronger...If it gets worse, I will take a painkiller for it. But for now, I'm okay.

I'm about 11dpo, roughly I think. I'm still in the two-week-wait, which for someone like me, is as excruicating as waiting for paint to dry. Patience, I think that's what this whole process is teaching me. I have zero of it, well, actually I'm starting to learn that I do have it, even if it's a little bit. The only thing that keeps grating away at me, is my noisey cube neighbor. She really is super loud. Talks loudly, laughs loudly and has so many people "dropping by" to visit her its like a party in her cube every half hour. That is enough to annoy the heck out of me, premenstrual, pregnant or otherwise. Even my cool soundproof earphones aren't enough to drone her out. Which really sucks because she's a nice person, just too loud for my quiet-as-a-mouse-in-a-church style of working. As a designer, I like quietness, or soothing relaxing jazz. *sigh* ~Baby, someday we'll have our very own home office where music will be soothing anytime I choose and I won't have to subject my ears, and possibly to you developing in your glorious stages to this disturbing nonsense.

Okay, that's enough crazy for today.

Here's a picture for the Charles Schultz fans.

Enjoy!

Trying to Conceive - Month 10

Yes, we've been at it for a long time. Baby, if it's years past, and you're reading this. KNOW that we've been wanting you for a long time. God, I feel nuts, talking to this unborn soul as if they exist. Then again...who knows. Those are the thoughts that course through my silly head on a monthly basis. Here's a recap of what's been going on for the better part of this year (2009)

1. I've stopped drinking caffeine
2. I've gained a lot of weight~12lbs+...coming off the pill and in TTC(*gasp*)
3. I'm working out more consistently than I have in years
4. I'm a pro at ovulation testing.
5. I no longer cry when I get a Big Fat Negative on my hpt's
6. I turned 34 this year.

This month is going to be different. I tell myself that every month. Every two weeks I refrain from drinking alcohol, artificial sweetners (which I don't normally do) and avoid painting my nails, and using bleach. I know I am totally OCD about this. But *if* I could possibly be pregnant, why would I risk doing something that *might* hurt the little bean?

I dream of babies often, sometimes girls - actually girls A LOT, and sometimes boys. Last night I dreamnt of a baby boy with strawberry blond hair and the cutest little face. Twinkling eyes and such a sweet smile. A few months ago, I actually decided to have a chat with God. I had to tell him that I was ready. "What was the hold up?" That next night, I actually dreamnt about a little girl, really peeved with me, because "she" wasn't ready. I don't know. I could be losing my marbles here, do I really want this baby that badly, that I'm envisioning actual conversations with my unborn chilren?

Anyway...Here's the latest symptoms this month. It's been about 10dop. (days past ovulation) and I've got some crazy symptoms, that could be screaming PMS, but I'm not sure so I'm writing them down anyway.

1. Extremely sore BB's
2. Crazy short fuse
3. The appetite of a small elephant
4. Lack of the ability to taste chocolate - this could be a good thing
5. Wrestless sleep
6. Headache - this could be a result of trying to nullify #4

The most evident sign has been the sore BB's. I normally get sore before AF (aunt flo) but I don't recall if its ever this soon. Usually it's like a few days before right? I tested at 8dpo, and I got a BFN (big fat negative) so I assumed, either I wasn't preggers or it was too soon. Time will tell I suppose. In the meantime I'll just lurk around my home away from home these days http://www.babytalkzone.com/forums/index.php until I am far enough into my cycle that I can test.