I am now 17 weeks pregnant with you. Its recently dawned on me that I think I complain too much about my weight and stuff about my pregnancy to others. When in fact, I LOVE being pregnant with you. I love knowing that you're okay because I feel your movements all the time. More strongly now than ever before. More than anything, I'm so fascinated with your development, growth, and most importantly your soul. You amaze me daily, the miracle of you just astonishes me. I often wonder about your personality, what you will look like, but more than anything, I wonder what you will "feel" like to me. I know I will love you, that is a given, but how will that love that I have so deep inside me, meld with your being? How will I feel being the center of someone's universe? I've never been that to anyone or anything before. Sometimes, I get so scared, scared that I might fail, but often, I get really excited and happy. I know I say this over and over again, but being that big of a factor, or influential being for anyone can be intimidating. I hope that I can ingraine all the best that I have to offer in you. I have a feeling that you will make me a better person. I'm not a bad person, but see sometimes that I have selfish tendencies. Everyone does, but I think you will probably wipe that all away, and you know, I'm glad about that. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to throw myself into your life as selflessly and passionately as I am humanly able.
I want you to read this someday, and really undertand where I am coming from. I am 34 years old, I am a graphic designer, I am a wife (for 4 years as of yesterday) and a stepmom. Being a "mother" thankfully has felt more natural to me than not. I fear that I have made mistakes with your brother during this learning curve as his stepmom, and I hope someday he will forgive me, but there are things that I cannot give him emotionally that only his mother can. The best I can hope for is that he see's that I love him with all my heart, and hope that I represent what a good woman should be like to him. He is a wonderful boy. He will be immersed in manhood when you are old enough to read this. For that I am sorry, I had hoped that you two would be closer in age, but I think he will become quite protective of you. I have tried my best to give him what he needs in a mother. Daddy is a really really good dad to him and he will be to you too. There are feelings sometimes, that scare the heck out of me, because I think what if I am not good enough for you? I think a lot of women probably fear this. One thing I can absolutely gauruntee you with 100% of my heart, is that I will move heaven and earth to shield you from any harm, spiritually, physcially, emotionally. I worry about the girl that you will someday chose as your wife, because that will require me to let go. But I'm getting waaaay ahead of myself. One step at a time, and for now that first step is giving birth to you and holding your precious little body in my arms.
Below are the pictures we had taken of you during our amnio appointment last week, which by the way you handled magnificently!!!
I love you,
Your mommy
