Pregnancy week 35 + 3 days

Dear Son,
Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote. Things have taken a turn unfortunately not for the best, but will unite us sooner rather than later. I went into the doctor's office the day after Thanksgiving, because I was dizzy and my face felt super hot. There they monitored me for 3 hours and then let me go. After several blood and urine tests, they discovered I had pre-eclampisa. Which is pregnancy-induced hypertension, which can be very dangerous for both you and I. The next day I collected my urine for 24 hours and then sent it to the lab to be analyzed. They weren't happy with the results. My kidneys were releasing too much protein, which was really dangerous for me. So the next day (Sunday) I met with a really nice nurse who lent me a blood pressure monitor and sticks I have to test my urine with, daily. I thought things were pretty much under control until Monday morning, my blood pressure sky-rocketed, yet again. This time I went to the hospital prepared with my computer, my phone, and an overnight bag. Good thing, because they kept me there for the next day and a half. That Monday was my last day on my Cisco team. I noticed that every time I got really stressed out you did too. This broke my heart and made me want to throw my computer out the window. Sometimes when it comes to work, I just feel so obligated to be present and in the moment that I have a really hard time saying "no."
The whole next day and a half you and I spent in a hospital room being looked after. I can't say the whole experience was that bad. But the reality of it all really sank in when we got home. You and I were/have been teetering between severe and mild pre-eclampsia. They let us leave with some very strict rules. Now, I check my blook pressure three times a day, I'm very very cautious with how you and I are feeling and I test my pee daily. I am also going to the doctor's office twice a week to do what they call a "non stress test" which really just monitors how your precious little heart is taking all this. So far, you're doing great. I love listening to your strong little heart, it sounds like a chugging little train. You're working hard in there son, and I'm so proud of you. On Monday night, while I was still staying in the hospital Daddy and I go to see you on ultrasound. Wow, you've gotten really big! Already 6lbs! You measured in the 73rd percentile for you gestational age of 36 weeks, when I am still just 35 weeks. So if I'm not mistaken this will put you at about 38 weeks when you're born!

They plan to induce our labor on 12/15/10. I don't know if you will be born on the day, but that is the day we're going to try. I think at this point it's best for you to come out of me and show your gorgeous self to this world. It makes me really sad, and sometimes it makes me want to cry because I so desperately wanted to keep you inside of me for as long as possible. I sometimes think its all my fault, but know that there really isn't enough research to back that up. I could've been healthier before you were conceived, but I am not sure if that would've helped 100%. Son I'm so sorry if I've failed you in any way. But I have full confidence that you will be born a healthy, happy baby. I really want us to focus on you coming out naturally. You're kicking me as I write this. I think you know what I am asking of you. Your head is down and almost in position, and you're still really active. But once they start that pitocin drip, lets try to make it work as fast as possible okay? I really want you to come into this world the way God intended. Unless of course you feel that you need to come sooner than 12/15, which I am totally okay with too. Just rest, and take all the time you need. I will not let anyone hurt you and will always be your protector. I just want what is best for both of us, and I really really want it to be the beautiful experience I'd hoped for for us.

I love you baby.

Your Mommy

Pregnancy Week 32 + 5 days

Dear Son,
Again, I apologize for not blogging sooner, weekly as I had originally planned. The weeks are flying by now, and I can barely believe we are quickly approaching the end of this pregnancy! There are still so many things that need to be done in preparation for your arrival, it's almost mind boggling.
Last Saturday, we had our baby shower. It was wonderful. I wish I had more time to chat with everyone that came. It seems like 4 hours just flew by! We got soooooo many gifts. You have things that I never even expected you to get, such as two snow suits! Daddy and I have never been up to the snow together, so maybe this will be a good reason for all of us to get away as a family. I'd really like to take your brother snowboarding too, I think he'd really enjoy it.
This week we asked Zia Rosie and Uncle Matthew to be your God parents. They were so honored, that I think your Zia might've cried about it. It's a big deal to me, and I trust them immensely. They will be coming to visit you in February along with your big cousin (4 years old) Barnaby. They are so excited to meet you. I know your Zia is dying to see what you look like.
I have been having really crazy dreams lately. My favorite one so far is when I'm changing your diaper and you're staring up at me batting your pretty little eyelashes. Right then and there, I know you've stolen my heart.
You've gotten a lot bigger and you've dropped in my tummy. I can hear my stomach growling again! It's been 8 months since I've heard it! Your kicks and punches are a little slower but much stronger. I can breathe a little better and my ribs seem to hurt less. The only issues I seem to be having is that I am short of breathe most of the time, I snore like I'm sawing logs, and my lower abs and nether regions hurt, I think because you're starting to get prepared to come out! I can't stay in one position for too long because my back hurts a lot when I get up. I seem to be walking around in an "L" shape a lot these days. I look like a really old lady when I get up. I have to sort of roll around and get a head start in order to be able to prop myself up. I also have wrist braces on both arms because I'd developed carpal tunnel syndrome and I can't really feel two or three fingers in each hand. Its a little weird sometimes, but I take solace in knowing that this is all for you. As long as you are born healthy and happy, it's all been worth it to me. My hair and nails are looking FANTASTIC! Thank you for that sweetheart! I'm not going to get too attached to this thick hair though because I've heard that a lot of it will fall out a few months after you are born...It's okay though I don't mind too much. I might get a cute little snazzy haircut then or something.
You are ALL I can think about son. I can't even imagine what I will be like or think about after you are born. I hear people talk about being depressed, etc, but I don't think I will have that problem. I think I will be so occupied with you and keeping you happy that I won't have time to dwell on things like that. This pregnancy hasn't been easy, but I would do it again for another baby if the timing were right, and it was something God wanted us to do. I admit its a lot to think about but I can see why some women have several children. I don't want you to grow up feeling along, since your brother will most likely be away at college. You will have a lot of time with me and Daddy by yourself. You will like our family baby. We are blessed, we have so much love between each other, even though we yell a lot, and I think deep down we can't live apart. I know that sounds weird, and odd, but at least that's how I feel about your Dad and your brother. I know I will NEVER live apart from you. That is not even something I can talk about.
I love you my dear boy, and can't wait the 8 or so weeks that are left to meet you. But I am going to enjoy this time we have left together as one to the fullest, amidst the body pains and the struggle. You have brought so much to my life already.

I love you son,
Your Mommy.

Pregnancy Week 30

Dear Son,
I'm sorry it's been a few weeks since I've written you anything. I've been super busy getting ready for our baby shower and working a lot. A lot more than normal actually. Last weekend was the first weekend that I haven't worked in two weeks. Daddy, Christian and I spent Saturday in San Francisco, which coincidentally was Halloween! This is my last Halloween without you. I thought about that a lot that day. I wonder what all the chaos felt like to you in the womb? I saw some really funny costumes, it just made me all that more excited for your arrival. We also went to a kitchen store because we're going to be remodeling our kitchen, hopefully before you arrive, because its in desperate need of a face lift!

You're getting bigger baby boy, your movements are slowing and I can feel you really high near my ribs, which still hurt a lot. You seem to favor the east /west position a lot. I really hope you get a nice turn in before we go into labor. I want you to come naturally without the help of any doctor. I know you'll do what you're supposed to my baby.

Today, you got a really good stretch in and threw all your weight to the area near the left of my belly button, and you must have extended an arm near my ribs at the same time because I looked like a misshapen triangle for a little bit. You so totally amaze me, I can't believe how long you feel to me inside. I don't know how long or how big you are exactly. You are hanging really low and my tummy sticks out super far. I can't tell you how many times people ask me if I am carrying twins in there. I've gained a lot of weight in this pregnancy, but I'm not terribly concerned about it, because I know I have what it takes to get it off after. Also I don't want to obsess over calories and all that stuff. I'd much rather obsess over you, sweetness.

I had schedule a 30 minute 2D ultrasound so they could video tape you and I could get some good pictures of you, but at the last minute I decided to cancel the appointment. I read that the sound waves from the ultrasound could potentially damage your hearing. After looking back at your ultrasound pictures from the amnio appointment (I think that you were about 14 weeks along then) I noticed you touching your head and your ears. This really bothered me and made me want to cry because at the time I had no idea that I could've been hurting you. Anyhow, this really bothered me for a few days so I canceled the appointment. I can't bare to even think that something I'd do could hurt you, it makes me a little teary just thinking about it, so I'm going to change the subject.
So...I've been trying to visualize what our lives will be like when you come honey. The only thing I can imagine right now, is a lot of time I'll be spending alone with you when Daddy has to go to work. This makes me feel a little nervous because I will be so new at being your mommy. But what better way to learn. I think deep down there will be a part of me that will just know what you need when you need it. I have a feeling that you will just let me know. I imagine laying in bed with you next to me, babbling away, or looking at me when I change your diaper, or you quietly sucking away when I have to nurse you.
Regardless son, I am so darned excited to meet your sweet little face. I will always love you no matter what. I will post some pictures after Saturday - the day of our baby shower.

I love you,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy week 28 + 1 day

Dear Son,
I love writing these letters to you, for you, about you. You are on my mind every waking minute. When you're quiet and sleeping (I'm assuming?) I still think about you. In fact I've had a very stressful day today but thankfully you're doing well. My body seems to be getting heavier and more tired and contracting more often these days. I spent the better part of four hours today at the hospital being monitored where I got to hear your sweet little heart beat while fighting off my fears of delivering you too soon. Daddy came, when I told him not to worry, but it was such a relief to see his face, although it was lined with worry and concern for us, nothing could've put me more at ease than his presence right then and there. I don't know why today tears just came rolling down all day. I'm getting really anxious for your arrival, and my fears are getting bigger than me. I know it's silly, and they probably have very little merit, but its my first time of being a mommy. Being YOUR mommy. I want it to go smoothly and do it well.
So tonight, I went to my prenatal yoga class, where I've had the lovely opportunity to meet other pregnant mommies, that are due with babies close to the time of your birth! Some a few months sooner and others a few months later. Tonight we discussed what we've been doing to nurture ourselves, our minds, bodies, and souls. And after some reflection, I realized that all the things I used to do to nurture myself have been eclipsed by you. Its true what they say that "motherhood changes a woman." it really does. I just didn't expect it to change me in this way, and this quickly. I expected surely my life would change when you were born, but it's changing now, and at the speed of light. What nurtures my body these days are my daily morning walks - when my body permits, with you, just as the sun is rising. It's the most gorgeous time of the day son. When you are born, I will show you how magnificent the sunrise is. What's nurtured my mind, has been getting my finances in order, I find a strange comfort in organization and have been striving to make our lives as simple as possible for your coming birth. I want to make sure that Daddy and I can manage all the we have and all that we spend. I am also getting into doing your nursery. Folding your sweet little clothes gives me great joy. I love touching them, and imagining how you will fill them. Whats nurtured my soul? That's been music, and relaxation. Yoga has been a very good stress reliever for me in allowing me to realize this. God fills my soul. Every day that I wake up, and I touch your daddy and I see (or hear, as the case normally is) your brother head out the door for school, I know that God has touched my soul once more because he has blessed me with another day on this earth. He has blessed me with the ability to carry you along with me on this journey.
I used to find great joy in my art, my running, my friends, which I still do, to a degree. I'm definitely not running anymore. But its more of a surface nurturing joy. Now there is a deeper meaning to my existence. There is a purpose that I've been missing. Not in the sense that there's been the absence of love, because your daddy and I share a great, tremendous love. But it's the purpose of creating something from that love, and giving it life. It has been the creation of you.

I love you son.
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 26+ 27

Dear baby boy,
you are getting bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger. Every week I notice a difference in your strength when you kick or punch. Sometimes its delightful, other times, it scares me a little because you catch me completely off guard. Most of the time my darling, it's such an amazing confirmation that you're okay.
I've been taking a prenatal yoga class, (I've taken two so far, and am scheduled for six) I love them, it's giving me a chance to connect with other pregnant women, and to stretch out my very stiff limbs. Its when I go to lay down on the mat, and try to stretch that I marvel at the size of you inside me. I can barely lean over and do stretches that used to be entertaining to me! For the first hour we women talk about our babies, there is one lady in my class who is Indian and also pregnant like me with a boy that is due on your due date - Jan. 4th, 2011. I sometimes wonder how accurate that date is, and if you will chose to come on that day. I have a feeling you will come in December. Just earlier this week I had a very vivid dream about you arriving on Dec. 28th, 2010. You weighed 9lbs and 6 oz. You were so precious. I can't even begin to express your cuteness. You were so pink and chubby and kicking around. They wheeled you away from me in my dream in one of those plastic carrier things with wheels. I reached out to you because I needed to have you near me, I was on a stretcher. I think I had a c-section in my dream :( I hope this is not the case. In any case, it was just a dream, but such a wonderful one.
Today I was dozing off trying to focus on work, but more tired than anything, and I had a vision of you at about two or three. You were looking up at me for something that you wanted and you were so cute. You looked a lot like I did when I was a toddler, but you had dark hair and dark eyes like Daddy. Your skin was lighter like mine. Any visions I have of you son, I hold dear to my heart, they bring me just one step closer to you, or what I imagine you to be and look like. I'm that eager to meet you.
Most of the time I can't get over how quickly our time together is passing. I feel so connected to you and so close to you. I know you can feel what I feel, I know you will be extremely special to me, well, you are already, but once you're born, you will be even more so. I know that we will be close in life my baby. I will never be far from you, ever.
I've had a few scares, and a few little unexpected pains that have worried me, and have made me pray for your well-being. Its the first time in my life that I've prayed to God to take care of something and to leave me if needed. Maybe that sounds selfish, I guess I've never felt the need to protect something with my own life like this. I guess this is what being a "mom" is all about. But I do so without any expectations. I just want what is best for you and what will give you the greatest chance at life - in my womb and in just 13 short weeks, outside of it as well.
I think you're a very long baby from what I feel. I can feel you often times just underneath my ribs, all the way down to my lower pelvis area, usually at the same time. That spans my entire mid-section. Which is the biggest I have ever seen it! It's quite beautiful, the way you've made me love myself and my bigness even more. I love caressing my tummy because I know you're in there. I think you can feel me, because I can feel you just with my hands.

Thank you son, for choosing me. I do believe that you have been in heaven waiting to be born to me and Daddy and when God, finally gave you the green light you've come. You've made me so happy.

I love you,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy Update - Week 25 day 3

Hi my darling boy,
Yesterday we had quiet a scare. I went to the hospital to have you and I monitored. My ankle shouldn't be swelling only on one foot. Also I've been having a rib pain only on the right side for weeks. The doctor's were worried it was pre-eclampsia. Thank God it wasn't. You and I were releaed and checked out fine. I got to hear your heart for an hour. I managed to record it. I am not sure if it will work but I am going to try and post it here.
Son, yesterday showed me just how important you are to me. I prayed so hard for you, I didn't care what happened to me, as long as God took care of YOU. Your little life is so meaningful to me, I care about you so much it rips my heart to shreds just thinking that anything could go wrong during this pregnancy, especially because of me! You're doing fabulously and had a few little spikes in your heart rate yesterday but that's normal from what I understand.

I love you so much little boy. You have no idea.

Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 25

Dear Baby boy,
Wow today we're 25 weeks pregnant! Only 15 more weeks to go! I can't believe it. This past week you've gotten considerably stronger. The other day you kicked me so hard it made me double over and catch my breathe. Daddy and I both got a little scared. I was worried I'd see your little foot sticking out or something! Now I can lay down and watch you play. Your movements are still very fast and jerky but sometimes, I can tell you're stretching out because it feels like a coordinated stretch. Its really very cute.

I'm running out of clothes that fit me anymore. I seem to be wearing the same things over and over again. But honestly I don't really want to buy too many more clothes because I will be losing weight after your born, and that extra money could be money I could spend on you instead! I've read that by now you should weigh about 1.5lbs, and should measure anywhere between 9.5-13.5" which is quite a bit longer than I expected, but it makes perfect sense because you have incredible reach. I can feel you at one side of me and at another side at the same time. Although you typically like to stay in one spot and play around there.

I'm still workig these days, and I'm horribly uncomfortable trying to sit in a chair for 8 hours. I will start working from home in about 10 weeks, which in my opinion can't come any sooner. If I try to lean forward in this chair you kick a litttle hard, if I lean back my bottom hurts, and you still kick, not hard but like you want me to move.

My feet and hands are SUPER swollen. Last week I had to take off my wedding rings. :( I was getting worried that they'd have to be cut off because my fingers have grown about 2.5 sizes. I've put on about 28lbs. to date, and most of my shoes don't fit me anymore without any discomfort.

I know it sounds like I'm this big complainer, but it all brings me back to you. Sweet little you. My son Sebastian. I relish in the thought of caring for you and holding you near me. I so look forward to the day when I can listen to you coo in your sleep and make those funny pursed lips like when babies remember that they're supposed to be sucking. I love you baby.

Your Mommy