Pregnancy - Week 8

Dear Baby,
Today I am a little over 8 weeks pregnant with you. I have been working from home, and baby it's been divine. I get to spend a lot more time with Daddy and Christian. I've been hunting around for furniture for your nursery too. I'm so excited for your arrival! Tomorrow we have another ultrasound to see how you're doing. I'm really excited about it, maybe even a little bit scared. I know you're going to be okay. We have two appointments actually, Daddy will come to the first one and I think Nonna is coming to the second one. I'm not sure yet.
Its' been raining this week, which is a little unusual for May. Sometimes the rain makes me a little sad, because I really want to see sunshine. Baby you're going to love living here. California has the nicest weather. Its very moderate but still crisp enough to feel the change of the seasons. I keep wondering if you're going to make your appearance early or late. If you're early, you'll be born sometime after Christmas. This year, we're going to spend it near home just in case you do. I want to be close to the hospital. Most of the time we spend it with your Auntie Tonia. You will love her baby, she's such a good person. She will love you too. She and your Nonna (both of them) have dreamed about you. Your Zia Nunziella has dreamed about you too. She's Nonna's sister.
I really want you to learn Italian baby. I want you to be able to speak it well, and be able to use it to your advantage. I'm sure Nonna is going to speak to you in Italian quite a bit. Also you'll be able to go to England to spend time with your Zia Rosie too! Baby you have family all over the globe!
Physically this week, you've been quiet. I think its still too soon to feel you, right now I just feel minor cramping here and there, and strangely I see stars when I get up too fast. I eat, and sleep and work a lot. I'm a little nervous to exercise too hard because I don't want to hurt you. I've been told that in a few weeks I'm going to start feeling a lot better. Lately these days, I've been feeling like throwing up a lot. I've only thrown up once so far, but feel sick for almost the whole day on most days. I'm pretty tired too. I can fall asleep instantly!
I've been looking at clothes for you. I'm itching to go shopping. But we still don't know if you're a boy or a girl, so it would be a little silly to buy you anything yet. The stores really carry a lot of pink and blue stuff. But blue is my favorite color, so even if you're a girl you'll probably have blue things anyway. And daddy is going to make sure that eventually you will be enrolled in jujitsu. He wants to make sure that you can defend yourself. I think this is a great idea. Either way, boy or girl you will always know how to protect yourself, if we can't. But my promise, as always is to do whatever is humanly possible to make sure that you're well taken care of, protected, and loved at all times.

I can't wait to meet you!

I love you.
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 7

Dear Baby,
I am now 7 weeks pregnant with you. My moods are starting to change as I am now starting to feel the full throttle of the hormonal shift. It has been a little difficult. I find that my moods change really fast, and I can't really eat. I'm very nauseated. I am really tired these days. Some days its hard to even keep my eyes open.
After seeing your little heartbeat on the ultrasound last week, it really made you real to me. I actually saw it pulsating. That was the most amazing thing. Its strange to think that just a few months ago, after a routine visit with my doctor, my uterus was completely empty! God is truly amazing baby. Never forget that. I had lost so much hope in the process of trying to conceive you that I felt like my time with you would never come. But here it is! Everyday is a new adventure, carrying you inside me. I sometimes wonder what I'm going to feel next. You really really don't like sweet food, or foods that have too much flavor. I've learned to love very plain things like rice cakes, plain fruit, I LOVE apples, and bananas.
Nonna and Nonno saw your ultrasound picture, which sits nicely in a frame next to our bed. Their eyes softened up and they got so excited. Daddy's eyes smile when he see's your picture. My heart just fills with love baby. You have a way of doing that to me. I can be having a really bad day, or feel like crying (for no reason) and just thinking of you brings light to my heart.
I wonder what you will be! The wait is so hard! We have 11 more weeks until we can find out if you're a girl or a boy. I don't care. You'll be so sweet, you'll be ours.

I love you.

your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 6 and 3 days

Dear baby,
Yesterday we got to hear your heartbeat and see you in an ultrasound. It was the most amazing thing ever. You're so tiny! But the sack your in is nice and big, I think you're comfy. Your little heart was beating 122 beats / minute. Baby you sounded like a little hummingbird. I was so nervous about going to this doctor's appointment. I was scared they were going to say "what baby? you're not pregnant!" I didn't even get a chance to cry, I was more worried about you than anything. I think my blood pressure sky-rocketed because my face felt so hot. Your daddy was there with me. He's been sick lately so he wasn't feeling well. He was happy to see you too. Every time we look at your ultrasound picture we smile. It's hard not to smile when we think of you.

This morning baby, I think I had a vision of you. I don't know if you're a boy or a girl yet, but in my vision you were a cute little girl with almond shaped green eyes, wavy brown hair, and light skin like mine. You were maybe about 2 years old. You were just smiling at me. It's the first vision I've had since I've been pregnant with you. I'm not sure if God has decided what your sex will be, but it was an amazing experience regardless.

You've been on my mind all night baby. Yesterday, after our ultrasound, I had my blood sugars tested, and they seemed fine. Later that night I went swimming for an hour. I love swimming because its so peaceful and beautiful. Blue is my favorite color and seeing all of it with such tranquility is a treat for me. I was just talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she was saying how all of our senses are so heightened when we're pregnant, and it's true! Baby, I could literally smell the dried grass along the side of the freeway the other day while I was driving in my car. I have superman senses right now. I love it. Colors look so much more vibrant than I remember them. I wonder if its because this is how you'll see the world pretty soon. I don't know.

I love you baby.

your mommy.

Pregnancy - Week 6

Dear Baby,
This week, I'm 6 weeks pregnant with you. Today is Tuesday, on Thursday, your Daddy and I will get to see you in an ultrasound! I think we might be able to see your heart beating. I can't wait baby! I'm so excited! This week, your facial features and bone structure are starting to form. You have little buds where your hands and feet will be, and a little dimples where your nose and eyes will be. I know you're going to be precious no matter what you look like. If you're a boy, I hope you look like your Daddy. He's very handsome baby, so is your brother. They are two of the most handsome guys I know. I have no doubt you will join ranks with them. If you're a girl, well, maybe I'm vain, but I kind of hope you look somewhat like me :) No matter who you take after, you will be beautiful. You already are, because just by carrying you means I carry a little piece of God inside me.
This week I've been experiencing morning sickness. I haven't actually thrown up, but your presence is definitely known to my body. I can't seem to digest food very easily. You seem to really like Italian food, and Japanese food. Which really doesn't surprise me. You seem to hate broccoli. Watermelon is a plus for both of us. So far, you really like fruit and really plain food. Which is fine with me, as long as you're getting enough nutrients from me.
I've been keeping busy with work, taking care of your Daddy, brother and dog, and keeping active. I love swimming, lifting weights, walking, and yoga. I have a distinct feeling you like them too, because my body feels really at peace when I do any of these things. Except work, it can be a little stressful sometimes. But for the most part, I love what I do, so I think that on that level I'm blessed. I'm an artist baby. I'm a designer and I think of all the wonderful things I'll design for you quite often. I've already started planning out your nursery. I just have to slow down because I don't want to spend too much too soon.
I think of you all the time baby. I am not sure if you can actually hear me, but pretty soon, I think I'll start playing music for you to listen to. Beautifully, peaceful music, that will make you feel good.

Love you.

Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 5

Dear Baby,
Tomorrow I will be exactly 5 weeks pregnant with you. This week, your heart and your circulatory system are starting to form. You are about the size of an orange seed, with a little tail. You have a neural tube, which will eventually become your spinal cord, and your brain.
Baby, sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I think, "ahh, another day." and I just go about my way. But before I do, I remember that I'm pregnant with you and I get so happy! I'm filled with so much joy just thinking about you. Your daddy and I are really excited and a little nervous. Daddy I think is going to melt when he meets you. Your brother Christian, is convinced you're a boy. I'm honestly not quite sure what you are, sometimes, I have a feeling you're a girl, but most of the time I'm not at all sure. I'm going to love you no matter what you are. You know why? Because God has given you to us as a gift. And I promise I will always cherish you and keep you close to my heart. I will always protect you no matter what.
This week, I'm starting to experience morning sickness, and I'm finding that you don't really like it when I eat sweets. You seem to favor protein like chicken, red meet, yogurt, and nuts. Sometimes, fruit. I used to love chocolate and this week, I really can't even stand to smell it. Speaking of smell, my sense of smell has become super strong! I feel like Buster, I can smell something from really far away and usually my nose doesn't like it. I hosted a baby shower yesterday. My good friend Shelly is going to have a baby girl named Natasha. You will definitely meet her someday. I've been getting cramps too lately, I think its just you making space inside of me for your growth. As long as you're okay and healthy, I am happy.

I love you baby, and thank you for coming into our lives.

Your mommy.

Pregnancy - Week 4

Dear Baby,
I'm your mommy. Its very nice to meet you. I can hardly believe I'm writing this. We've been trying to conceive you for about a year and a half. I was just a few days away from getting a surgery to help us get pregnant. I think you must've known that I secretly didn't want to be operated on, because you saved me! Your daddy and I found out that we were pregnant with you "officially" yesterday. We're so excited about you. Your appearance came at a very good time in our lives. Just last week, I lost one of my best friends and I was so sad. I wish you would've been able to meet her. Her name was Frances. Baby, she was funny, amazing a wonderful friend and very much like a sister to me. Had she been alive she would've been one of your "aunties."

But you came at just the right time, just when God decided you needed to be here with us. You're a blessing to us baby, such a little gift in our lives, that I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to be your mommy. I'm at work right now, so I can't say a lot, because I might start crying.

At this very moment in time, you have a 14 year old big brother, a boxer named Buster, a mommy who's 34 and a daddy who's 40. This doesn't even include the aunties, uncles, and many many cousins (all over the world) that are aching to meet you. Your big brother doesn't know about you yet. We're going to surprise him soon with the news. We're going to make him a t-shirt and take him out to dinner. He's been asking about you for years. I think this will make him happy. He's just finishing up his first year in high school. Baby you're going to love him. He's an amazing boy, he's going to love you too, I'm sure of it.

These past few days have been so exciting, I can't stop talking about you and I keep wondering if you're a girl or a boy. It really doesn't matter, because we'll love you unconditionally no matter what your sex is. The mention of you alone has made many people cry. The first thing your daddy and I did after we found out about you, was hug, cry, laugh, and then we kneeled down and prayed for you.

Thank you baby, for making me so happy.

Love you,

Your mommy.

Strange Dreams

So, its looking like another month of nothing...It's okay, I think I saw it coming. Since I've started BBT charting, much to everyone's chagrin, it's starting to show me my own patterns. Which is nice, I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. I think I can confidently walk into a Dr.'s office now and show him what I think might be the problem. And I have a feeling that the progesterone levels aren't consistent enough. They rise and fall too often during the luteal phase. Scary that I even know this stuff. I'm a designer, not a doctor. :)

Last night I had the strangest dream about the "ex" - not mine. I dreamnt that she and I met somewhere and had a very very long chat. I think about our differences and just really hashed things out. I think that's what my heart wants. I don't like to hang on to anger, but sometimes she just does the most stupid things, that I really wonder where her priorities are. After hanging out with friends this weekend, I'm realizing that our ex-woes are not so far off. Some people have it even worse. I guess I just feel more maternal towards my stepson now. I've been a pretty prominent female figure in his life for a while, and he's starting to feel like my own. I see how she makes him feel and the worry in his heart for her. And quite honestly it angers me to no end that a child should feel this way. It's not his responsibility to worry if his mother lives or dies. Sure as we become adults that's always in the back of our minds, but at 14 it shouldn't keep you up at night. Damn her for that. And to her defense (which is weak) but I understand she just doesn't know how to do her job. She tries, albeit her attempts are week and most often insignificant. Her focus is on fun, not the hard stuff that we face on a daily basis. She will never understand just how much weight that responsibility carries. Honestly I never thought I'd inherit a little boy. He's enriched our lives so much. When he's away, something is really missing.

I would love nothing more than to give him a sibling. Something he's begged for from us for years. I hate that he's had to grow up feeling so alone. He thinks we love him too much. Better to love too much than not enough. But still. A small piece of my heart hurts for her too. Maybe I'm just feeling all weepy cause my hormones are fluctuating. But she just makes me sad. Sad because she will never truly feel the fulfillment, joy, pride, and happiness a mother should really feel. I thank God for giving me such a good set of parents.

thank you thank you thank you.