Pregnancy - Week 5

Dear Baby,
Tomorrow I will be exactly 5 weeks pregnant with you. This week, your heart and your circulatory system are starting to form. You are about the size of an orange seed, with a little tail. You have a neural tube, which will eventually become your spinal cord, and your brain.
Baby, sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I think, "ahh, another day." and I just go about my way. But before I do, I remember that I'm pregnant with you and I get so happy! I'm filled with so much joy just thinking about you. Your daddy and I are really excited and a little nervous. Daddy I think is going to melt when he meets you. Your brother Christian, is convinced you're a boy. I'm honestly not quite sure what you are, sometimes, I have a feeling you're a girl, but most of the time I'm not at all sure. I'm going to love you no matter what you are. You know why? Because God has given you to us as a gift. And I promise I will always cherish you and keep you close to my heart. I will always protect you no matter what.
This week, I'm starting to experience morning sickness, and I'm finding that you don't really like it when I eat sweets. You seem to favor protein like chicken, red meet, yogurt, and nuts. Sometimes, fruit. I used to love chocolate and this week, I really can't even stand to smell it. Speaking of smell, my sense of smell has become super strong! I feel like Buster, I can smell something from really far away and usually my nose doesn't like it. I hosted a baby shower yesterday. My good friend Shelly is going to have a baby girl named Natasha. You will definitely meet her someday. I've been getting cramps too lately, I think its just you making space inside of me for your growth. As long as you're okay and healthy, I am happy.

I love you baby, and thank you for coming into our lives.

Your mommy.

Pregnancy - Week 4

Dear Baby,
I'm your mommy. Its very nice to meet you. I can hardly believe I'm writing this. We've been trying to conceive you for about a year and a half. I was just a few days away from getting a surgery to help us get pregnant. I think you must've known that I secretly didn't want to be operated on, because you saved me! Your daddy and I found out that we were pregnant with you "officially" yesterday. We're so excited about you. Your appearance came at a very good time in our lives. Just last week, I lost one of my best friends and I was so sad. I wish you would've been able to meet her. Her name was Frances. Baby, she was funny, amazing a wonderful friend and very much like a sister to me. Had she been alive she would've been one of your "aunties."

But you came at just the right time, just when God decided you needed to be here with us. You're a blessing to us baby, such a little gift in our lives, that I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to be your mommy. I'm at work right now, so I can't say a lot, because I might start crying.

At this very moment in time, you have a 14 year old big brother, a boxer named Buster, a mommy who's 34 and a daddy who's 40. This doesn't even include the aunties, uncles, and many many cousins (all over the world) that are aching to meet you. Your big brother doesn't know about you yet. We're going to surprise him soon with the news. We're going to make him a t-shirt and take him out to dinner. He's been asking about you for years. I think this will make him happy. He's just finishing up his first year in high school. Baby you're going to love him. He's an amazing boy, he's going to love you too, I'm sure of it.

These past few days have been so exciting, I can't stop talking about you and I keep wondering if you're a girl or a boy. It really doesn't matter, because we'll love you unconditionally no matter what your sex is. The mention of you alone has made many people cry. The first thing your daddy and I did after we found out about you, was hug, cry, laugh, and then we kneeled down and prayed for you.

Thank you baby, for making me so happy.

Love you,

Your mommy.

Strange Dreams

So, its looking like another month of nothing...It's okay, I think I saw it coming. Since I've started BBT charting, much to everyone's chagrin, it's starting to show me my own patterns. Which is nice, I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. I think I can confidently walk into a Dr.'s office now and show him what I think might be the problem. And I have a feeling that the progesterone levels aren't consistent enough. They rise and fall too often during the luteal phase. Scary that I even know this stuff. I'm a designer, not a doctor. :)

Last night I had the strangest dream about the "ex" - not mine. I dreamnt that she and I met somewhere and had a very very long chat. I think about our differences and just really hashed things out. I think that's what my heart wants. I don't like to hang on to anger, but sometimes she just does the most stupid things, that I really wonder where her priorities are. After hanging out with friends this weekend, I'm realizing that our ex-woes are not so far off. Some people have it even worse. I guess I just feel more maternal towards my stepson now. I've been a pretty prominent female figure in his life for a while, and he's starting to feel like my own. I see how she makes him feel and the worry in his heart for her. And quite honestly it angers me to no end that a child should feel this way. It's not his responsibility to worry if his mother lives or dies. Sure as we become adults that's always in the back of our minds, but at 14 it shouldn't keep you up at night. Damn her for that. And to her defense (which is weak) but I understand she just doesn't know how to do her job. She tries, albeit her attempts are week and most often insignificant. Her focus is on fun, not the hard stuff that we face on a daily basis. She will never understand just how much weight that responsibility carries. Honestly I never thought I'd inherit a little boy. He's enriched our lives so much. When he's away, something is really missing.

I would love nothing more than to give him a sibling. Something he's begged for from us for years. I hate that he's had to grow up feeling so alone. He thinks we love him too much. Better to love too much than not enough. But still. A small piece of my heart hurts for her too. Maybe I'm just feeling all weepy cause my hormones are fluctuating. But she just makes me sad. Sad because she will never truly feel the fulfillment, joy, pride, and happiness a mother should really feel. I thank God for giving me such a good set of parents.

thank you thank you thank you.

Light My Path

I don't know why, I keep seeing this image of a lantern at night. It keeps popping up in my head. I think sometimes, that's just how I feel about motherhood. Like, I'm just barely seeing my way, and the only light I have is God's light, to light my path. Strange, I know. I just had to get this out of my head, and onto something, whether it be paper or a blog. I have about another week to find out if I'm pregnant. Pray for us. It's been almost 13 months of trying.

Chicken and Dumpling Soup

Last night was a quiet night, with much needed rest. We were all feeling a little out of it, so we opted to eat in. I was very much in the mood for some soup, so I found a good recipe and of course modified it and served it up. It was so good that I wanted to document it someplace so I could find it at a later date. (*Please note, that I use organic ingredients, and grass-fed, or free roaming meat, whenever possible). It was nice last night, having our soup and staying in watching a rental. It was nice to be able to feed my family something so yummy and good. Here's the recipe. - Not light in calories!




Chicken and Dumpling Soup
(serves about 4 big servings)

Ingredients:
1 organic onion (roughly chopped)
2 1/2 organic carrots (roughly chopped)
3 stalks of organic celery (finely/roughly chopped)
3-4 cloves of garlic (pressed in a garlic press)
1 1/2 cup of organic frozen peas
1 1/2 container of Organic Cream of Chicken & Garlic Soup (found at whole foods)
4 free range, and hormone free chicken breasts
1 tube of natural buttermilk biscuits (pre-made)
2 Tbsp. of organic all purpose flour
2 Tbsp. of extra virgin olive oil
1 Tbsp. of butter
1 tsp. each of oregano, dried parsley, onion powder, and pepper (salt to taste, but add after adding each layer)

Start by chopping carrots, celery, onion. Press garlic and set aside. Preheat olive oil and butter in a large pot. Add carrots, celery, and onion. Saute for about 5 minutes. Then add garlic, salt and pepper. Allow to sweat.

Rinse and dry chicken breast. Cut into 1/2 -1" cubes. Place cubes in a ziplock bag (if available) or a large bowl will do. Toss with flour, salt and pepper. Add coated chicken to the sauteed veggies and allow to cook thoroughly. Stir often so the bottom doesn't burn.

While chicken is cooking, begin quartering biscuits and rolling quarters into small balls with them palms of your hands, and set aside. Add soup mixture to the chicken and veggies mix. Slowly stir in oregano, parsley, pepper and onion powder and frozen peas. Bring to a boil.

Reduce heat to med/low and add dumplings to the pot. Carefully stir without sinking them. Allow to simmer for about 10-15 minutes. To check if dumplings are done, insert a toothpick, when it comes out clean, they're ready. Remove from heat promptly, and enjoy!. (For a little added kick, add a few drops of hot sauce) My family puts hot sauce on everything.

Bon Apetit!

New Year, New Hope

Well, I didn't get what I wanted the most for Christmas...an itty bitty peanut of our own. But I did gain a few more things (not just lbs) but perspective.

Timing...A very dear friend of mine, opened my eyes to the possibility of / and the definition of "the right timing." I hear this all the time, but the way she phrased it was so poignant that it really struck a cord with me. She said "maybe, your baby will meet someone really special, that will have a life altering affect on them, or the love of their lives, 27 years from now." "And just maybe, that very special person hasn't been born yet, or they aren't on the exact path they're meant to be on, in order to meet your baby at exactly the right time." Wow..just wow. I know I've thought about this in a fleetingly in the past, but I never really sat with it, and nurtured the thought. It makes sense and it's given me patience on another level. The sadness comes and goes, with each passing month. As I realize I've gotten my period, and our efforts at conception have failed, but now, its almost as if the thought of the "right time" might save me from a little bit of grief.

I've nostalgically learned how to knit this holiday season. I've always known how to crochet, but now, I'm doing something I've always wanted to do, knit! I'm not an expert, and am still painfully slow, but at some point, I'm going to get this baby book and start down the path of creating some really cute knitted baby items. If not for our little one, then to give away as gifts for others.Otherwise, I've tried to keep up the workouts. I'm starting to learn when I can and can't really push my workouts hard. Sometimes, I cramp up. I think it's due to the weight gain, but I'm planning on doing something 5 days a week. My plan is to do cardio and weight training, and to start cutting out sugar from my diet. I know this is a lofty goal, but I'm going to do it. I'll still eat healthily this way my diet won't have to change so dramatically once we do become pregnant.

Happy New Year everyone!!

KnitWit

So, I've decided to take up knitting. It's something that I've never really learned how to do properly, and have decided it's high time to get my mind off of my current state of affairs. I'm really tired of being disappointed every month, so I'm going to try and feel content with what I have. If I can't make something happen in my uterus, at least I can create something with my hands...I know..this is bleak. It's just how I'm feeling right now, I'll bounce back.

I bought these ENORMOUS needles, that I can't wait to sit down and use. At least tonight, I can enjoy them with a glass of wine and settle myself into a nice quiet lull of repetition for the night. Hubby has poker tonight and the young man will most likely want to stay at his friends house. If not, I might be able to peel myself off the couch and take him to a movie. I kinda want to see "Avatar" but I'm not sure if I can sit through 2hrs and 30 min in a movie theater. For some reason lately having to share my personal space with strangers in a theater really annoys me...

Jeez, I think maybe I need to set sail and enjoy my own island somewhere tonight, I'm in quite "the mood." I'll post some pictures of my knitting extravaganza when I have something that you all won't laugh at.