Pregnancy - Week 21

Dear Son,
Today I am 21 weeks pregnant with you. we have 19 more weeks to go, until your expected appearance. Today, I discovered that you seem to really enjoy the group Journey. You were kicking and punching up a storm, right along to the beat of the music. It was amazing actually. Tomorrow daddy and I have a mid-pregnancy class to learn about what to expect during this time. I'm sure it will be really interesting.

We have finally picked out your name! We plan to call you Sebastian Joseph Urmeneta. Sebastian because your daddy loves this name, and Joseph because I want to honor nonnna and nonno and your great great nonno's also named Joseph. It's a family name in the Tranchina family that goes way way back. Also, your cousin Barnaby has the same middle name. :)

I can't believe how quickly the weeks are flying by. Today is probably the hottest day we will have this summer. Its currently 101 degrees outside. Christian just started school yesterday, he's a sophmore at Fremont High School. He's growing up so fast, I can barely believe my eyes sometimes. As are you my darling. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and take in your smell.

These past few days have been really super emotional for me. I seem to cry so easily. Your zia Rosie has been having some health issues, so I think that's adding to my worries. But mostly I worry about being good enough for you. I worry about change. I wish I could not worry so much. I'm sure once you and I meet, my view on everything will change completely. I already feel so protective of you. In fact I've stopped going to busy/crowded places, because I worry people will bump into me and hurt you. I'm getting really big! I've gained about 20lbs. I've never looked like this before. So, for the sake of remembering to write this, I wanted to mention that you kick a lot these days. So much, in fact sometimes it hurts, and other times you make me lose my breath because it's so hard. You kick and punch when you're hungry I think. If I go too long without eating, you seem to move around a lot like a little jumping bean, that's the size of a banana/small cantalope? I can't keep track of what size of produce you're supposed to resemble. But I think you should probably weigh about 10 oz. by now. Its amazing to feel you move around. Because sometimes when I'm working and caught up in something, you give me a little bump. It's a sweet reminder of your existence.

My friends Emma and Brenda gave us so many things baby! We have three carseats and numerous toys and so many clothes and things for you. Daddy and I have been marveling at how blessed we are to have such good friends. You are set until you are about a year or two old.

Anyway baby, I love you. I feel you a lot and dream about you. I can't wait to meet you. But take your time I need you to be fully baked before coming out. 40 weeks son, let's aim for that.


Love you,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 20

Dear Son,
What a fiesty little baby you are! You have been kicking and punching and moving and stretching like crazy! Sitting down is a bit of a challenge, moving around is even a challenge, I have to move slowly. I love how active you are because it really shows me how vivacious you are and you're just 5 months in utero!
Today I went to the doctors cause last night you gave me a scare. Coming back from lunch I think you got stuck in one position and could get out of it, it hurt me a lot physically. You felt like you were resting really low inside me. So I went home and after and I laid down, you did two rolls and stretched out. I think we both felt a lot better. I think you just need a little more space. Today the doctor listened to you heartbeat. What a strong little heart you have, it's like a chugging little train. It made me melt. Then he checked my urine and my cervix just to make sure I was tight as a drum and keeping you inside me, which I was. But with all this activity going on inside me, I feel like you've loosened things up inside me! I can't explain it very well, but I feel like its really easy for me to lose my balance and I seem to stumble around a lot. Its saftest if I am just laying down or sitting quietly.
I've been snippy lately...I've been told that your increasing testasterone is affecting me adversely. I've been really agressive and angry lately. I hope this doesn't go on for too long, cause I am not sure I even like me right now. I just keep thinking of the end result, you beautiful little you. I make daddy crazy these days. I guess he feels like he's walking on eggshells with me, cause no one knows when I'm going to blow. :( not even me, most of the time. One minute I feel fine, and the next I feel like I could strangle someone. And this is on most days.
I've been told that later on in our pregnancy the doctor will give me a kick counter to see how often you're kicking. I suppose your kicking is going to slow down a little with the decrease in space you have. You don't seem to mind it too much right now, because once you get tired of one area, you move on to the next. You seem to like kicking and poking the same spot over and over again.
I made a CD for you, all of the classical greatest hits. I hope you like it. When I listen to it, you seem to respond to the music. I wonder if you can hear the music that I hear. I know you can hear my voice. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm screaming all the time. I'll try to keep that in check. I want you to have a safe and comfy little haven, and I don't feel like I've done a very good job at providing that for you.
I can't wait to see you again sweet boy. We have an ultrasound in about a month. I'm sure you will have grown a lot since then. Daddy and I have a few classes coming up, one is a mid-pregnancy class, and the next one is birth readiness. I think they'll teach me how to handle birthing you and learning how to breath properly, etc. I'm excited. It's like the movies. Well my darling baby boy, I need to run. We still haven't agreed on a name for you yet. I feel like I need to wait to feel strongly about one name and so far I don't.

I love you to pieces.

Your Mommy

Pregnancy - week 19

Dear baby boy,
Last night you and I had a secret conversation while I was lying awake trying to fall asleep. I spoke to you with my thoughts. And here's something I don't know if I've told you, I apologize if I have.

Mommy: "have I told you lately how much I love being pregnant with you?"
You: ..quietness...
Mommy: "it's been a joy to carry you son. I don't want our time together to end."
You: ..thump, thump...roll....
Mommy: "I am so eager to hold you in my arms, I can smell your sweetness already."
You: ...quietness...thump, thump, poke.....
Mommy: "okay, okay, I know you don't like it when I lay on my right side, but laying on my back is so comfortable and scary at the same time. I will shift to my left side."
You: ...content....
Mommy: "goodnight son, I love you baby."
You: ...happy quietness....

Of course I don't really know if that's what you were feeling/thinking, but it's what I've imagined. I have visions of you sometimes in a little yellow onesie pajama, with dark hair, and a big diaper butt, and you're so cute. I can see the back of your head and you smell so sweet, like I could just drink you in.
You're really active, all the time. I'm trying to cut back on sugar and carbs, just to give you a winning chance, and myself a winning chance to stop gaining so much weight. To date I've gained 20lbs. We've got 4 more months baby, I need to slow things down. I want both of us to be healthy.
This weekend, Daddy and I are planning to clean out the garage. It's a chore neither of us are looking forward to, but I'm hoping it will give me a chance to offload a few things that are cluttering up your room. I still have to empty your closet, dismantle the shelves that currently reside above your crib. And empty the bookshelf, and find a new home for it, or paint it black. I don't know. I will most likely find a new home for it, because you desperately need a lamp, a changing table, and a glider with an ottoman. I don't know how/when I will be able to afford these things, but somehow, I just know that they will come.

I need to run. I love you baby.

Your mommy.

Pregnancy - Week 18

Dear baby boy,
Everyday you give me something new to feel. This past week your movements have gotten stronger and a little more painful. You don't seem to like it when I sit still for too long. Also when I get emotional it seems to affect you directly. I never really knew what to make of that bond between parent and child and now I am actually feeling it for myself. Its like you know I am upset and you get upset too. The other day while I was on hold with the DMV for over 20 minutes I was getting noticeably irritated and you kicked me so hard that it made my eyes water. Honey you're the size of a sweet potato! What will I do when you're the size of a sack of flour? :)
Daddy and I are getting increasingly excited about your entrance into this world. I think he felt you last weekend, although it was a faint little push, we felt you doing something for sure. Your brother just turned 15. What a teenager! He didn't want a party, didn't want anything actually. Except for an airsoft gun. He's such a funny boy. It's all part of growing up I guess. I think it's just hard for Daddy and I to accept that he isn't a little boy anymore. Although he's not quite an adult yet either...
I miss nonna terribly this week. She's still in England with Zia Rosie. I called them when they were in Italy, I got to chat with all of our relatives there. They're so excited about my darling. I look at your pictures from the amnio everyday and I just sigh and stare at you. You're so beautiful to me and you're physically such a little thing! Your amnio results came back last week and just as I'd predicted you're 100% okay and perfectly normal. I thank God for your health and well being, because baby if anything was wrong, I don't know what I'd do.
You're still causing my hormones to get a little crazy. Yesterday I cried on the way to work for no reason at all. I hear a song that we all love called "sweet disposition" by Temper Trap. I thought about Daddy, Chrisitan and you. And strangely I thought about how I would feel when we had to drop you off at daycare or your first day of school. I'm not ready to think about these things. I want our precious time with you to last and last.
I'm finding it's just easier for me right now to not dwell on things that are hard for me to think about. Like giving birth to you for example. It scares the daylights out of me, and I hope I do a good job at it, but for now, the obsession of it is going on the back burner, as are thoughts of your cute little body bouncing off to school with children your own age.

I love you my sweet little baby boy.

Your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 17

Dear Son,
I am now 17 weeks pregnant with you. Its recently dawned on me that I think I complain too much about my weight and stuff about my pregnancy to others. When in fact, I LOVE being pregnant with you. I love knowing that you're okay because I feel your movements all the time. More strongly now than ever before. More than anything, I'm so fascinated with your development, growth, and most importantly your soul. You amaze me daily, the miracle of you just astonishes me. I often wonder about your personality, what you will look like, but more than anything, I wonder what you will "feel" like to me. I know I will love you, that is a given, but how will that love that I have so deep inside me, meld with your being? How will I feel being the center of someone's universe? I've never been that to anyone or anything before. Sometimes, I get so scared, scared that I might fail, but often, I get really excited and happy. I know I say this over and over again, but being that big of a factor, or influential being for anyone can be intimidating. I hope that I can ingraine all the best that I have to offer in you. I have a feeling that you will make me a better person. I'm not a bad person, but see sometimes that I have selfish tendencies. Everyone does, but I think you will probably wipe that all away, and you know, I'm glad about that. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to throw myself into your life as selflessly and passionately as I am humanly able.
I want you to read this someday, and really undertand where I am coming from. I am 34 years old, I am a graphic designer, I am a wife (for 4 years as of yesterday) and a stepmom. Being a "mother" thankfully has felt more natural to me than not. I fear that I have made mistakes with your brother during this learning curve as his stepmom, and I hope someday he will forgive me, but there are things that I cannot give him emotionally that only his mother can. The best I can hope for is that he see's that I love him with all my heart, and hope that I represent what a good woman should be like to him. He is a wonderful boy. He will be immersed in manhood when you are old enough to read this. For that I am sorry, I had hoped that you two would be closer in age, but I think he will become quite protective of you. I have tried my best to give him what he needs in a mother. Daddy is a really really good dad to him and he will be to you too. There are feelings sometimes, that scare the heck out of me, because I think what if I am not good enough for you? I think a lot of women probably fear this. One thing I can absolutely gauruntee you with 100% of my heart, is that I will move heaven and earth to shield you from any harm, spiritually, physcially, emotionally. I worry about the girl that you will someday chose as your wife, because that will require me to let go. But I'm getting waaaay ahead of myself. One step at a time, and for now that first step is giving birth to you and holding your precious little body in my arms.
Below are the pictures we had taken of you during our amnio appointment last week, which by the way you handled magnificently!!!


I love you,
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 16 / Amnio / Gender

Dear Baby,
You're a boy!!!! I'm so surprised but so happy! You were a champ yesterday during our amnio appointment. You were so cute and active, and then you settled down and just let the doctor do what he needed to do. Our doctor was Dr. Meyer, he was very very good. He's been doing this for over 20 years. When they withdrew your fluid it was nice and clear and just looked like baby urine. I felt one pretty strong contraction and then it was done. The poke of the needle was actually quite painless. Having my blood drawn hurts more. You seem to be handling this whole procedure quite well. I had just a few cramps last night, but overall feel okay. I can't get over how something that freaked me out so much went so smoothly. Now we just have to wait until July 31st to get our test results. Hopefully they will come sooner. I know you're fine baby. They showed us your movements in the ultrasounds, and you were wiggling all over the place, at one point you showed us your cute little bum, and your little pee-pee. You had some really cute moments sweetness. We saw your feet pressed together, your left hand with all its fingers and you dramatically touching your head, like you were an actor or something. I couldn't get enough of you. We got to see all four chambers of your heart, your kidneys, all your bones, and other organs I'm sure I'm forgetting.
If I can get to it today, I am going to scan your ultrasound pictures and post them up here so I can always remember them. Everyone was so happy to hear the news about your gender. Baby it was a very happy day for me and Daddy and Christian. After all this time in my tummy you've been a little boy. I wonder what your personality will be like? I wonder what your likes and dislikes will be, and your temperment. I think you're going to be an active little one, but very very loving. I can feel you moving around, which is such a relief, at least I know that you're okay after yesterday and seem to be making the same movements inside me. I've been trying to drink a lot and keep myself hydrated for you.
The doctor tells us that you can possibly be born anytime between Dec. 29th and Jan. 4th. We'll see! You could be a New Years Eve baby! Daddy and I still haven't decided on your name, which is fine. I want the name we chose to feel right and seem like it belongs to you. So far, there are just a few choices that we agree on, but we'lll figure it out soon, I'm sure.

I think I am going to knit you something to wear when you come home from the hospital. It's hard to judge what your size will be, but I'll just estimate a little on the bigger side.
I love you baby, and am so delighted to finally know what your gender is. Its all coming together slowly.

I love you,
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 15 +

Dear Baby,
Tomorrow I get to see you again! I'm almost 16 weeks, I'll write another post when I am. But for today we're still just at 15 weeks. I saw you last week during an ultrasound, I was having problems breathing and I kept getting pains in my sides, and swollen feet. Turns out you're perfectly okay. But wow baby! You're big! I didn't expect you to be that big! You were really active too, moving your cute little arms and legs all over the place, and then you did this great big stretch, throwing your little head back. I think you're starting to get a little crammed in there.
Tomorrow is our amnio appointment. I'm really nervous baby, but I have to be calm for you. I know deep down in my heart that you're going to be okay. I just feel it. I know our results are going to come back perfectly fine and you will be a healthy, happy baby. The only thing I can't figure out yet, is if you're a girl or a boy...That part still puzzles me. I get boy feelings a lot these days, but early on dreamnt about girls. For some reason I always assumed I'd have a son before I had a daughter. But in a way, I do, I have Christian.
It's been hot these past few days. I went to the beach with my girlfriends on Saturday. We have this annual beach outing called L.O. Girls beach day. It marks the anniversary of the day we were all laid off from Duarte Design. That day we were so stunned and so lost. This past Saturday, (marked the third annual L.O. Girls Beach day) and it was pleasant. We had interesting conversations and really just enjoyed each other's company. My friends Lisa and Denise were there. They can't wait to meet you baby. Then on Sunday, Daddy, Christian and I went to Los Gatos and had breakfast and then went to Powells candy shop. That's one of our favorite things to do. You're brother was being a typical teenager, and I think we were all just hot and a little tense. But overall, it was a nice day. I wonder sometimes how those days are going to change when you are born. I think about how you're going to fit into our family. You will be loved and cherished no matter what, but it will be interesting to see the evolution of our little family. It's been just me Daddy and Christian for many years baby, about 8. It may take some adjusting. I just wish you'd had a chance to grow up with your brother, he's going to be 15 years older than you. He will love you, I'm sure of it, but I know that he's spent a lot of his childhood waiting to meet you. You're going to be a big deal for all of us.
Nonna is going to England and then to Italy. She leaves on Wednesday. She's going to visit her cousin, baby. It's going to be a difficult trip for her I think. Maria is one of her dearest cousins and she doesn't have a lot of time left to live on this earth with us. I pray for her that God welcomes her gently. This will be the second loss of a close friend / family relative for me this year. It's been challenging, but I'm starting to see that I am much more strong than I ever thought I was. I never thought I could cope with loss, but I can. I also have learned how good I am getting at coping with gain! We've gained you my precious little one. Hopefully tomorrow you will reveal to us if you're a boy or a girl, I can't wait to start getting you things!!!

I love you,
your Mommy