Light My Path

I don't know why, I keep seeing this image of a lantern at night. It keeps popping up in my head. I think sometimes, that's just how I feel about motherhood. Like, I'm just barely seeing my way, and the only light I have is God's light, to light my path. Strange, I know. I just had to get this out of my head, and onto something, whether it be paper or a blog. I have about another week to find out if I'm pregnant. Pray for us. It's been almost 13 months of trying.

Chicken and Dumpling Soup

Last night was a quiet night, with much needed rest. We were all feeling a little out of it, so we opted to eat in. I was very much in the mood for some soup, so I found a good recipe and of course modified it and served it up. It was so good that I wanted to document it someplace so I could find it at a later date. (*Please note, that I use organic ingredients, and grass-fed, or free roaming meat, whenever possible). It was nice last night, having our soup and staying in watching a rental. It was nice to be able to feed my family something so yummy and good. Here's the recipe. - Not light in calories!




Chicken and Dumpling Soup
(serves about 4 big servings)

Ingredients:
1 organic onion (roughly chopped)
2 1/2 organic carrots (roughly chopped)
3 stalks of organic celery (finely/roughly chopped)
3-4 cloves of garlic (pressed in a garlic press)
1 1/2 cup of organic frozen peas
1 1/2 container of Organic Cream of Chicken & Garlic Soup (found at whole foods)
4 free range, and hormone free chicken breasts
1 tube of natural buttermilk biscuits (pre-made)
2 Tbsp. of organic all purpose flour
2 Tbsp. of extra virgin olive oil
1 Tbsp. of butter
1 tsp. each of oregano, dried parsley, onion powder, and pepper (salt to taste, but add after adding each layer)

Start by chopping carrots, celery, onion. Press garlic and set aside. Preheat olive oil and butter in a large pot. Add carrots, celery, and onion. Saute for about 5 minutes. Then add garlic, salt and pepper. Allow to sweat.

Rinse and dry chicken breast. Cut into 1/2 -1" cubes. Place cubes in a ziplock bag (if available) or a large bowl will do. Toss with flour, salt and pepper. Add coated chicken to the sauteed veggies and allow to cook thoroughly. Stir often so the bottom doesn't burn.

While chicken is cooking, begin quartering biscuits and rolling quarters into small balls with them palms of your hands, and set aside. Add soup mixture to the chicken and veggies mix. Slowly stir in oregano, parsley, pepper and onion powder and frozen peas. Bring to a boil.

Reduce heat to med/low and add dumplings to the pot. Carefully stir without sinking them. Allow to simmer for about 10-15 minutes. To check if dumplings are done, insert a toothpick, when it comes out clean, they're ready. Remove from heat promptly, and enjoy!. (For a little added kick, add a few drops of hot sauce) My family puts hot sauce on everything.

Bon Apetit!

New Year, New Hope

Well, I didn't get what I wanted the most for Christmas...an itty bitty peanut of our own. But I did gain a few more things (not just lbs) but perspective.

Timing...A very dear friend of mine, opened my eyes to the possibility of / and the definition of "the right timing." I hear this all the time, but the way she phrased it was so poignant that it really struck a cord with me. She said "maybe, your baby will meet someone really special, that will have a life altering affect on them, or the love of their lives, 27 years from now." "And just maybe, that very special person hasn't been born yet, or they aren't on the exact path they're meant to be on, in order to meet your baby at exactly the right time." Wow..just wow. I know I've thought about this in a fleetingly in the past, but I never really sat with it, and nurtured the thought. It makes sense and it's given me patience on another level. The sadness comes and goes, with each passing month. As I realize I've gotten my period, and our efforts at conception have failed, but now, its almost as if the thought of the "right time" might save me from a little bit of grief.

I've nostalgically learned how to knit this holiday season. I've always known how to crochet, but now, I'm doing something I've always wanted to do, knit! I'm not an expert, and am still painfully slow, but at some point, I'm going to get this baby book and start down the path of creating some really cute knitted baby items. If not for our little one, then to give away as gifts for others.Otherwise, I've tried to keep up the workouts. I'm starting to learn when I can and can't really push my workouts hard. Sometimes, I cramp up. I think it's due to the weight gain, but I'm planning on doing something 5 days a week. My plan is to do cardio and weight training, and to start cutting out sugar from my diet. I know this is a lofty goal, but I'm going to do it. I'll still eat healthily this way my diet won't have to change so dramatically once we do become pregnant.

Happy New Year everyone!!

KnitWit

So, I've decided to take up knitting. It's something that I've never really learned how to do properly, and have decided it's high time to get my mind off of my current state of affairs. I'm really tired of being disappointed every month, so I'm going to try and feel content with what I have. If I can't make something happen in my uterus, at least I can create something with my hands...I know..this is bleak. It's just how I'm feeling right now, I'll bounce back.

I bought these ENORMOUS needles, that I can't wait to sit down and use. At least tonight, I can enjoy them with a glass of wine and settle myself into a nice quiet lull of repetition for the night. Hubby has poker tonight and the young man will most likely want to stay at his friends house. If not, I might be able to peel myself off the couch and take him to a movie. I kinda want to see "Avatar" but I'm not sure if I can sit through 2hrs and 30 min in a movie theater. For some reason lately having to share my personal space with strangers in a theater really annoys me...

Jeez, I think maybe I need to set sail and enjoy my own island somewhere tonight, I'm in quite "the mood." I'll post some pictures of my knitting extravaganza when I have something that you all won't laugh at.

Charting

It could be nothing at all, but just in case I'm pregnant this month, I want to reflect on how I was feeling and when. I hear from many women that signs of early pregnancy are identical to a menstrual cycle. So who knows..it could be a total crap shoot, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

*Since I ran out of OPK's I didn't know when I was ovulating this month, I could've sworn it was happening for like 3 days, so who knows exactly when it was, but according to my schedule, which hasn't changed much, it should've happened at around day 14 in my cycle. So I'm gonna go with the day after just to be safe...

So the 14th day in my cycle this month was Sunday, December 5th. That would make today day 5 past ovulation..

4DPO- lightheaded. After I had a chance to sit down (just before I got up) not sure if I was moving too fast. Lots of stress on this day. (work related)

5DPO - nothing out of the ordinary. CM, and irritability, could be because I'm tired. I've been getting up a lot at night and not sleeping solidly, or just plain going to bed too late. I have had a minor break out but it could be from fluctuating hormones during my cycle. Today we had our team outing and gift exchange. It was fun, but I was more excited about eating a really good salad. I've been craving greens like mad these past few days. I've also had a sweet tooth from hell. But that's normal. I have a little sugar problem these days...

6DPO- Last night I had a few pains (in the uteran area) they seem to alternate sides, which isn't totally unusual for this time of the month. They're sort of mild stabbing cramps, more on the right side then on the left. Also, I've been eating like a horse. I think it's probably because of stress, I have a lot going on with work right now...I've also noticed that I've been getting about 8-9 hours of sleep every night this week. By the time I go to bed, I'm so tired. I haven't even worked out that much this week, maybe twice so far...

7DPO- Brief nausea after eating chocolate, breaking out, sore BB's, pretty emotional, (actually cried today for a really lame reason) noticing really oily skin and hair. Chest pains (forgot to mention these earlier, these have been going on since about 4DPO.

8DPO- really moody today. Nausea after eating a large salad. Noticed my temperature rising sometime after dinner, face got really hot. Super cranky today. BB's starting to get heavy and sore, much like PMS.

9DPO- still moody, tired, and cranky. Eating A LOT! Craving for red meat and chocolate is kicking in. (Normal for this time of the month) BB's super sore, tried to sleep on my tummy and nearly screamed and rolled back over on my back this morning. Having junkfood cravings from hell..Still a little grumpy but not as much as yesterday, could be from increased work stress and working the whole weekend, and right into Monday...boo..Oh yeah, no more heavy CM, just dryness.

10DPO - nothing too major. Had a crazy case of itchiness in the shower the night before. BB's are now just a dull ache and not sooo painful like they were before. Restless night of sleep.

11DPO - feeling better. Eating tons! Had a minor unteran ache on the right side for a few minutes. And after on the left side (briefly last night). Worked out last night, so I slept like a baby. Today have felt slight little flutters in that area, and mild cramping this morning, so I'm wondering if AF is on her way? I'm noticing that I'm eating a ton, and just not feeling full. Sugar craziness has been out of control, especially yesterday. I'm making a conscious effort to cut out sugar, just in case I am preggers. I think my calculations are off because my cycle is 26 days, so I should be at 13 or 14DPO right now..Maybe I ovulated earlier? We BD'd the whole week before so I think we've covered it all. Friend of mine had a dream about me the other night, saying that I got two double lines!! In her dream she was with me when I tested. I could now, I guess I'm just scared to get a BFN, so I'll just wait. Should be another day or two when AF is due...

12DPO- okay, I'm thinking I might need to test soon. Mild cramps last night, and felt fine otherwise. Acne has subsided a little. Tired as heck. But I think that might be from working a 12 hour day...Sugar cravings are still tough, but starting to subside a little. Starting to get a headache this morning, could be from looking at my computer screen for so many consecutive hours. BB's feel super heavy and not so sore anymore. More symptoms later if I can think of them..Oh yeah, thoughtlessness, I keep feeling like I forgot something, this feeling has been going on for two days..

13DPO - headache today, with some cramping. I don't know if that means that AF is on the way, but it kinda feels like it. A little hard to eat today feeling a little nauseated after having had my morning decaf. Woke up really hungry and then took the dog for a 40 min. walk. Trying to ignore the mild cramps that seem to come and go. Acne seems to have subsided and is a lot more mellow this month. Still craving a lot of salt. BB's look much bigger and the coloration even looks different, I could've sworn there weren't the same color last night. Maybe a twinge of purple? Call me crazy, maybe I've been looking at the monitor for too long. Strangely I picked up knitting last night, and watched a bunch of tutorials. Focus is excellent.

Update: it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, I think...it IS a duck..AF came today. Boo!! I did shed some tears over this, because really that's all I wanted for Christmas this year. I keep hoping that it's just a tiny little flow and will suddenly disappear and Voila! I'll be preggers. But I know, I know..it's just not time I guess.

Crazy November, and other inward moments.

This year, this November, to be more specific has brought so many wonderful memories. I successfully pulled off a surprise 40th birthday party for hubby with all of his friends and family. I think it was probably the nuttiest I've felt in years. Just the week before the party our house was flooded upstairs. We're still in the process of having our carpets replaced, and the holes in the ceiling downstairs patched up. So, I hosted the event at a hotel not far from our home. In the end it better suited our needs. I did end up cooking for about 30+ people. I can honestly say I've never cooked so much in my life. With my mom's help, we pulled it off. I haven't run around like that since our wedding. But the way I see it, is how many times do you really turn 40? Hubby was sooooo surprised. The look on his face was priceless. Then a week lapsed and I got pretty sick. I'm on the up and up now, but we did squeeze in a trip to Vegas. It wasn't all that I wanted it to be because I was sick, but we had a nice time. We saw Joe Rogan do standup on Friday, and then Saturday we went to UFC 106 - saw Forrest Griffin and Tito Ortiz fight. It was a great match. After that we flew home, not too long before we got the call from my step-son informing us that he's broken his ankle! Poor kid, as luck would have it, it happened when we were about 400 miles away. Hubby did well under the pressure. It really is a nightmare for any parent to be that far away, but he handled it like a champ. Thank God for brother in laws! Little guy is doing better just trying to adapt to hobbling around on one foot. He got a cast yesterday and is using crutches. Which by the way I keep finding laying around the house, I almost ate it this morning in the dark! I think they bother his armpits cause he doesn't seem to like using them that much. I feel badly for him being in his freshman year of high school. I think he's afraid to be picked on. The worst part is him not being able to ride his BMX bike for a while. That feels like punishment in its own right.

Thanksgiving is in two days. I'm really looking forward to spending some quality time with my family. I love to cook, so that's a given. I will need to shop for that tonight, and try to get some pre-cooking out of the way. Design work is moving along smoothly. I've been really blessed this year with consistent clients, needy of my time, but consistent nonetheless. Sometimes, I wonder how I'm going to feel about this line of work when we do have a baby. Or when, I'm super duper pregnant? How will I cope with this sort of stress? Lately I've been walking everyday. I've also rejoined Weight Watchers in attempts of dropping a few pounds. I don't expect to be back to my old weight when I get pregnant, but it's a nice goal to have. That way if I do gain 20lbs or so, I won't feel so much like a whale, and maybe more like a little baby whale instead :D

One thing, I've come to realize that I'm grateful for, is the job I come to 40 hours per week. This year has been good to me financially. With so many people out of work, and still being laid off, I've been consistently pulling in regular work with (company name omitted) even though I'm a contractor, they keep me busy most of the time. My coworker was let go, so I have more responsibility than I bargained for, but at least I still have work! And work that I love. I actually get paid to draw. I can hardly believe it myself sometimes. Just this week, I sketched out a picture of Santa being pulled on his sleigh by his 9 reindeer. Sometimes, I think "what sort of funny little drawings will I create in order to keep the little one happy?" My mom used to draw Mickey Mouse for me. That's where it all started. After that, she put a pencil in my hand and I never looked back. What will our little future soul aspire to be?

Sometimes, I think about people that aspire to be actors and actresses, or scientists, or whatever. I do sometimes wish my line of work was more glamorous or brought in ridiculous amounts of money, but to look at my designs, sometimes on the walls, or in newspapers, or at large conventions, and it's just such a gratifying feeling. To know that I created these images, and people are using them to communicate! There you go, that's my contribution to humanity. The gift of communication :)

I'm grateful that I've had the opportunity to explore this aspect of myself. I'm grateful to know what stirrs up so much emotion in myself. I've been helping people communicate for a while, just more seriously for the past few years. I'm ready to devle inwards. Baby will bring this I'm sure. I'm ready to see how a new little life will mold me, and force me to change. For the first time in my life, I can confidently say that I'm ready for change. I welcome it. I'm not scared of it and I think it could teach me even more about myself and those around me. I'm excited about my future.

Thoughts on NOT trying to conceive

So this month has been a lot busier than I expected. I'm bummed that I am down to one blog posting a month, I'll try to stay on top of that!

This month, we've decided to not try to get pregnant. Since we're going to Vegas at the end of the month, and hubby's bday and Thanksgiving are just around the corner, I want the freedom to have a few drinks. I'm okay with this. In my last post, it dawned on me how the how control factor had me by a stranglehold. Well, it's completely quite the opposite now. I haven't done any OPK testing or have had any crazy ocd thoughts about it. It just dawned on me last night that I didn't feel that good, and strangely enough, I looked at the calendar and I think I'm ovulating. I felt a little sad at first, but then a little relieved. No two week wait this month. I can just go about my business like I'd normally do and just think about it next month. It was almost liberating. I think I've been pushing myself so hard this year to try and get myself mentally and emotionally prepared to be a mother, that I've just sort of left the rest of me along the curb. I've been really pushing us both a little too hard. I can see it now, in retrospect that it's been tough coming to terms with not getting pregnant right away, and feeling like something of a failure in this area. But now...I just need to feel okay with myself. I need to feel okay even if we don't get pregnant. I know this sounds odd. But I have to know that no matter what happens, my life won't fall apart if I don't get pregnant. I have so much to live for. I have an absolutely amazing husband, an amazing step-son and a family of in laws and parents, cousins, and so many relatives and friends that love me. Life will not end for me. Not yet at least.

Sometimes, its just easier to get caught up in the wanting than to really look at your circumstances. I mean a nice long hard look and go "okay..this is where I'm going." To consciously be aware of your direction. Our direction has been all over the place. Raising a teen before an infant has been a learning and challenging experience for me. My step-son has been a blessing in my life and also the biggest lesson I've ever learned. He's taught me so much about myself. I'm not all that bad, and man do I have some deep seated issues. lol. But mostly, he's teaching me how to love without conditions. He shaping me up to be a mother in ways that other women never get the chance to have. He tests, and tests, but the way I see it, it's making me much stronger for the future. Whenever baby comes, they'll have their big brother to thank for breaking us in. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this wonderful autumn month and the beautiful memories its going to bring.