"Go Home" starring Aunt Flo and other breakthrough characters.

So, she's visiting...I had such high hopes this month...It's okay, I know it's not up for debate. "Gods timing", I keep telling myself that, yet I can't help but want, hope and pray for more. This coming month though, I think we're going to throw in the towel. Since we'll be in Vegas at the end of Nov. I want to be able to drink and enjoy myself without the guilt, I'll still monitor what's happening and when just for charting sake but I'm not going to intentionally push the topic. Also, there's going to be so much smoking that we'll be around by default when we go to Vegas, I don't want that junk in my lungs especially when we're trying to conceive. Also, I want to commemorate hubby's 40th with a nice glass of something and not feel like I'm a jerk for considering it "if" I'm preggers.

December. c'mon December....

I just have this feeling that its going to happen early next year. I don't know why. 2010. Wow. it's just even weird to write that date.

Last night wasn't as bad as it could've been. Just a little wateriness in the eyes and a brief moment of self-defeat. I guess I'm stressing everyone out about this. Ok, maybe just hubby. But maybe he's right. Mabye I need to take the "mania" out of babymaking and just let go. Its just always been so hard for me to "go with the flow" with anything in my life. I've always been the ambitious type. If I see something that I want, I go after it. I don't give up and I work work work until I can make it happen. I guess this is why I have such an issue with people that are so defeated about their lives. I know that with God's help we can change anything. We can do anything, achieve anything. So, I'm optimistic. Maybe that's the lesson in all this. I just need to apply my ambition towards this topic in a more constructive way...Uhh. I think I just had a breakthrough. Maybe I need to consciously refrain from testing, or charting, or obsessing over the calendar, scale back a little and loosen my grip. OMG, is THAT what this is? Is it control? Eeek. Am I just trying too hard to control my own environment? How silly is that? Who can possibly control their future?

Wow...I guess I have a lot to think about.