KnitWit

So, I've decided to take up knitting. It's something that I've never really learned how to do properly, and have decided it's high time to get my mind off of my current state of affairs. I'm really tired of being disappointed every month, so I'm going to try and feel content with what I have. If I can't make something happen in my uterus, at least I can create something with my hands...I know..this is bleak. It's just how I'm feeling right now, I'll bounce back.

I bought these ENORMOUS needles, that I can't wait to sit down and use. At least tonight, I can enjoy them with a glass of wine and settle myself into a nice quiet lull of repetition for the night. Hubby has poker tonight and the young man will most likely want to stay at his friends house. If not, I might be able to peel myself off the couch and take him to a movie. I kinda want to see "Avatar" but I'm not sure if I can sit through 2hrs and 30 min in a movie theater. For some reason lately having to share my personal space with strangers in a theater really annoys me...

Jeez, I think maybe I need to set sail and enjoy my own island somewhere tonight, I'm in quite "the mood." I'll post some pictures of my knitting extravaganza when I have something that you all won't laugh at.

Charting

It could be nothing at all, but just in case I'm pregnant this month, I want to reflect on how I was feeling and when. I hear from many women that signs of early pregnancy are identical to a menstrual cycle. So who knows..it could be a total crap shoot, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

*Since I ran out of OPK's I didn't know when I was ovulating this month, I could've sworn it was happening for like 3 days, so who knows exactly when it was, but according to my schedule, which hasn't changed much, it should've happened at around day 14 in my cycle. So I'm gonna go with the day after just to be safe...

So the 14th day in my cycle this month was Sunday, December 5th. That would make today day 5 past ovulation..

4DPO- lightheaded. After I had a chance to sit down (just before I got up) not sure if I was moving too fast. Lots of stress on this day. (work related)

5DPO - nothing out of the ordinary. CM, and irritability, could be because I'm tired. I've been getting up a lot at night and not sleeping solidly, or just plain going to bed too late. I have had a minor break out but it could be from fluctuating hormones during my cycle. Today we had our team outing and gift exchange. It was fun, but I was more excited about eating a really good salad. I've been craving greens like mad these past few days. I've also had a sweet tooth from hell. But that's normal. I have a little sugar problem these days...

6DPO- Last night I had a few pains (in the uteran area) they seem to alternate sides, which isn't totally unusual for this time of the month. They're sort of mild stabbing cramps, more on the right side then on the left. Also, I've been eating like a horse. I think it's probably because of stress, I have a lot going on with work right now...I've also noticed that I've been getting about 8-9 hours of sleep every night this week. By the time I go to bed, I'm so tired. I haven't even worked out that much this week, maybe twice so far...

7DPO- Brief nausea after eating chocolate, breaking out, sore BB's, pretty emotional, (actually cried today for a really lame reason) noticing really oily skin and hair. Chest pains (forgot to mention these earlier, these have been going on since about 4DPO.

8DPO- really moody today. Nausea after eating a large salad. Noticed my temperature rising sometime after dinner, face got really hot. Super cranky today. BB's starting to get heavy and sore, much like PMS.

9DPO- still moody, tired, and cranky. Eating A LOT! Craving for red meat and chocolate is kicking in. (Normal for this time of the month) BB's super sore, tried to sleep on my tummy and nearly screamed and rolled back over on my back this morning. Having junkfood cravings from hell..Still a little grumpy but not as much as yesterday, could be from increased work stress and working the whole weekend, and right into Monday...boo..Oh yeah, no more heavy CM, just dryness.

10DPO - nothing too major. Had a crazy case of itchiness in the shower the night before. BB's are now just a dull ache and not sooo painful like they were before. Restless night of sleep.

11DPO - feeling better. Eating tons! Had a minor unteran ache on the right side for a few minutes. And after on the left side (briefly last night). Worked out last night, so I slept like a baby. Today have felt slight little flutters in that area, and mild cramping this morning, so I'm wondering if AF is on her way? I'm noticing that I'm eating a ton, and just not feeling full. Sugar craziness has been out of control, especially yesterday. I'm making a conscious effort to cut out sugar, just in case I am preggers. I think my calculations are off because my cycle is 26 days, so I should be at 13 or 14DPO right now..Maybe I ovulated earlier? We BD'd the whole week before so I think we've covered it all. Friend of mine had a dream about me the other night, saying that I got two double lines!! In her dream she was with me when I tested. I could now, I guess I'm just scared to get a BFN, so I'll just wait. Should be another day or two when AF is due...

12DPO- okay, I'm thinking I might need to test soon. Mild cramps last night, and felt fine otherwise. Acne has subsided a little. Tired as heck. But I think that might be from working a 12 hour day...Sugar cravings are still tough, but starting to subside a little. Starting to get a headache this morning, could be from looking at my computer screen for so many consecutive hours. BB's feel super heavy and not so sore anymore. More symptoms later if I can think of them..Oh yeah, thoughtlessness, I keep feeling like I forgot something, this feeling has been going on for two days..

13DPO - headache today, with some cramping. I don't know if that means that AF is on the way, but it kinda feels like it. A little hard to eat today feeling a little nauseated after having had my morning decaf. Woke up really hungry and then took the dog for a 40 min. walk. Trying to ignore the mild cramps that seem to come and go. Acne seems to have subsided and is a lot more mellow this month. Still craving a lot of salt. BB's look much bigger and the coloration even looks different, I could've sworn there weren't the same color last night. Maybe a twinge of purple? Call me crazy, maybe I've been looking at the monitor for too long. Strangely I picked up knitting last night, and watched a bunch of tutorials. Focus is excellent.

Update: it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, I think...it IS a duck..AF came today. Boo!! I did shed some tears over this, because really that's all I wanted for Christmas this year. I keep hoping that it's just a tiny little flow and will suddenly disappear and Voila! I'll be preggers. But I know, I know..it's just not time I guess.

Crazy November, and other inward moments.

This year, this November, to be more specific has brought so many wonderful memories. I successfully pulled off a surprise 40th birthday party for hubby with all of his friends and family. I think it was probably the nuttiest I've felt in years. Just the week before the party our house was flooded upstairs. We're still in the process of having our carpets replaced, and the holes in the ceiling downstairs patched up. So, I hosted the event at a hotel not far from our home. In the end it better suited our needs. I did end up cooking for about 30+ people. I can honestly say I've never cooked so much in my life. With my mom's help, we pulled it off. I haven't run around like that since our wedding. But the way I see it, is how many times do you really turn 40? Hubby was sooooo surprised. The look on his face was priceless. Then a week lapsed and I got pretty sick. I'm on the up and up now, but we did squeeze in a trip to Vegas. It wasn't all that I wanted it to be because I was sick, but we had a nice time. We saw Joe Rogan do standup on Friday, and then Saturday we went to UFC 106 - saw Forrest Griffin and Tito Ortiz fight. It was a great match. After that we flew home, not too long before we got the call from my step-son informing us that he's broken his ankle! Poor kid, as luck would have it, it happened when we were about 400 miles away. Hubby did well under the pressure. It really is a nightmare for any parent to be that far away, but he handled it like a champ. Thank God for brother in laws! Little guy is doing better just trying to adapt to hobbling around on one foot. He got a cast yesterday and is using crutches. Which by the way I keep finding laying around the house, I almost ate it this morning in the dark! I think they bother his armpits cause he doesn't seem to like using them that much. I feel badly for him being in his freshman year of high school. I think he's afraid to be picked on. The worst part is him not being able to ride his BMX bike for a while. That feels like punishment in its own right.

Thanksgiving is in two days. I'm really looking forward to spending some quality time with my family. I love to cook, so that's a given. I will need to shop for that tonight, and try to get some pre-cooking out of the way. Design work is moving along smoothly. I've been really blessed this year with consistent clients, needy of my time, but consistent nonetheless. Sometimes, I wonder how I'm going to feel about this line of work when we do have a baby. Or when, I'm super duper pregnant? How will I cope with this sort of stress? Lately I've been walking everyday. I've also rejoined Weight Watchers in attempts of dropping a few pounds. I don't expect to be back to my old weight when I get pregnant, but it's a nice goal to have. That way if I do gain 20lbs or so, I won't feel so much like a whale, and maybe more like a little baby whale instead :D

One thing, I've come to realize that I'm grateful for, is the job I come to 40 hours per week. This year has been good to me financially. With so many people out of work, and still being laid off, I've been consistently pulling in regular work with (company name omitted) even though I'm a contractor, they keep me busy most of the time. My coworker was let go, so I have more responsibility than I bargained for, but at least I still have work! And work that I love. I actually get paid to draw. I can hardly believe it myself sometimes. Just this week, I sketched out a picture of Santa being pulled on his sleigh by his 9 reindeer. Sometimes, I think "what sort of funny little drawings will I create in order to keep the little one happy?" My mom used to draw Mickey Mouse for me. That's where it all started. After that, she put a pencil in my hand and I never looked back. What will our little future soul aspire to be?

Sometimes, I think about people that aspire to be actors and actresses, or scientists, or whatever. I do sometimes wish my line of work was more glamorous or brought in ridiculous amounts of money, but to look at my designs, sometimes on the walls, or in newspapers, or at large conventions, and it's just such a gratifying feeling. To know that I created these images, and people are using them to communicate! There you go, that's my contribution to humanity. The gift of communication :)

I'm grateful that I've had the opportunity to explore this aspect of myself. I'm grateful to know what stirrs up so much emotion in myself. I've been helping people communicate for a while, just more seriously for the past few years. I'm ready to devle inwards. Baby will bring this I'm sure. I'm ready to see how a new little life will mold me, and force me to change. For the first time in my life, I can confidently say that I'm ready for change. I welcome it. I'm not scared of it and I think it could teach me even more about myself and those around me. I'm excited about my future.

Thoughts on NOT trying to conceive

So this month has been a lot busier than I expected. I'm bummed that I am down to one blog posting a month, I'll try to stay on top of that!

This month, we've decided to not try to get pregnant. Since we're going to Vegas at the end of the month, and hubby's bday and Thanksgiving are just around the corner, I want the freedom to have a few drinks. I'm okay with this. In my last post, it dawned on me how the how control factor had me by a stranglehold. Well, it's completely quite the opposite now. I haven't done any OPK testing or have had any crazy ocd thoughts about it. It just dawned on me last night that I didn't feel that good, and strangely enough, I looked at the calendar and I think I'm ovulating. I felt a little sad at first, but then a little relieved. No two week wait this month. I can just go about my business like I'd normally do and just think about it next month. It was almost liberating. I think I've been pushing myself so hard this year to try and get myself mentally and emotionally prepared to be a mother, that I've just sort of left the rest of me along the curb. I've been really pushing us both a little too hard. I can see it now, in retrospect that it's been tough coming to terms with not getting pregnant right away, and feeling like something of a failure in this area. But now...I just need to feel okay with myself. I need to feel okay even if we don't get pregnant. I know this sounds odd. But I have to know that no matter what happens, my life won't fall apart if I don't get pregnant. I have so much to live for. I have an absolutely amazing husband, an amazing step-son and a family of in laws and parents, cousins, and so many relatives and friends that love me. Life will not end for me. Not yet at least.

Sometimes, its just easier to get caught up in the wanting than to really look at your circumstances. I mean a nice long hard look and go "okay..this is where I'm going." To consciously be aware of your direction. Our direction has been all over the place. Raising a teen before an infant has been a learning and challenging experience for me. My step-son has been a blessing in my life and also the biggest lesson I've ever learned. He's taught me so much about myself. I'm not all that bad, and man do I have some deep seated issues. lol. But mostly, he's teaching me how to love without conditions. He shaping me up to be a mother in ways that other women never get the chance to have. He tests, and tests, but the way I see it, it's making me much stronger for the future. Whenever baby comes, they'll have their big brother to thank for breaking us in. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this wonderful autumn month and the beautiful memories its going to bring.

Hello November!

Welcome November! That's my motto this month. I'm going to embrace this month and know deep down in my heart that baby will come. But not now. We celebrated Halloween with a big bash in downtown MV with some friends. It was fun, intoxicating and just good old fashioned silliness. But..it did make me realize something. I'm ready. Partying is fun, but I'm ready for motherhood. I drank..more than I should've, had a raging good time. But it's funny, I can take it or leave it really. I don't like the days after it takes for me to recover from a night out like that. I hate how polluted my body feels. All in all it sort of dampens my spirit. 12 months + without that feeling wouldn't bother me much at all. I honestly don't know how alcoholics can possibly feel that way ever day..UGH! It makes me ill just thinking about it....I think I'm too ADD to be addicted to anything really. lol.

One thing that worried me though...was the (okay, I'm going to get graphic here) but I was just a tad hungover and did have a few awful "moments" in the bathroom...I attest this to not having had any alcohol for so long. Three drinks did this to me...Which brings me to morning sickness. I DO NOT LIKE VOMITTING. I don't know what I'll do if it ever comes to that. Some people say that it only lasts like the first trimester, some have it their whole pregnancy and some never even have to deal with it. I don't know how my body will respond. Its quite sensitive to most things though.

Anyway...Just thought I'd update. Nothing really going on in this neck of the woods. No baby dreams, no more tears. Just a deeps sense of knowing that I'm much more than physically ready for baby. I'm emotionally and mentally there as well now too.

"Go Home" starring Aunt Flo and other breakthrough characters.

So, she's visiting...I had such high hopes this month...It's okay, I know it's not up for debate. "Gods timing", I keep telling myself that, yet I can't help but want, hope and pray for more. This coming month though, I think we're going to throw in the towel. Since we'll be in Vegas at the end of Nov. I want to be able to drink and enjoy myself without the guilt, I'll still monitor what's happening and when just for charting sake but I'm not going to intentionally push the topic. Also, there's going to be so much smoking that we'll be around by default when we go to Vegas, I don't want that junk in my lungs especially when we're trying to conceive. Also, I want to commemorate hubby's 40th with a nice glass of something and not feel like I'm a jerk for considering it "if" I'm preggers.

December. c'mon December....

I just have this feeling that its going to happen early next year. I don't know why. 2010. Wow. it's just even weird to write that date.

Last night wasn't as bad as it could've been. Just a little wateriness in the eyes and a brief moment of self-defeat. I guess I'm stressing everyone out about this. Ok, maybe just hubby. But maybe he's right. Mabye I need to take the "mania" out of babymaking and just let go. Its just always been so hard for me to "go with the flow" with anything in my life. I've always been the ambitious type. If I see something that I want, I go after it. I don't give up and I work work work until I can make it happen. I guess this is why I have such an issue with people that are so defeated about their lives. I know that with God's help we can change anything. We can do anything, achieve anything. So, I'm optimistic. Maybe that's the lesson in all this. I just need to apply my ambition towards this topic in a more constructive way...Uhh. I think I just had a breakthrough. Maybe I need to consciously refrain from testing, or charting, or obsessing over the calendar, scale back a little and loosen my grip. OMG, is THAT what this is? Is it control? Eeek. Am I just trying too hard to control my own environment? How silly is that? Who can possibly control their future?

Wow...I guess I have a lot to think about.

A New Day, A New Symptom...

Today, thankfully my mood is so much better than yesterday. I don't know if it was a combination of tiredness, or just letting my body rest last night, or what. But whatever it was that I did, or didn't do, helped.. I didn't workout last night and instead opted to make a nice healthy ramen dish for my guys and catch up on some tv, which funny enough ended up being me watching "Its the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!"

Just letting myself veg-out on the couch after dinner was so nice and such a luxury. I think it was exactly what I needed, because today, the pill-ish attitude and volcanic tremors have thankfully subsided. I don't feel crazy today, and thank GOD I don't feel like I need to hurt someone. I know something's going on with my little hormones because this is such a swing for me. I'm normally pretty mellow and have a steady demeanor. (most of the time)

Today, cramps. Cramps galore. Again *my disclaimer - it could be PMS, I'm not claiming it is or isn't I'm just noting facts* HOWEVER, cramping this early on is a little unusual for me, so I'm excited about this new little symptom. The cramping was mild before lunch, and after walking back from the cafeteria with my friend, and sitting back at my desk, they're starting to get stronger...If it gets worse, I will take a painkiller for it. But for now, I'm okay.

I'm about 11dpo, roughly I think. I'm still in the two-week-wait, which for someone like me, is as excruicating as waiting for paint to dry. Patience, I think that's what this whole process is teaching me. I have zero of it, well, actually I'm starting to learn that I do have it, even if it's a little bit. The only thing that keeps grating away at me, is my noisey cube neighbor. She really is super loud. Talks loudly, laughs loudly and has so many people "dropping by" to visit her its like a party in her cube every half hour. That is enough to annoy the heck out of me, premenstrual, pregnant or otherwise. Even my cool soundproof earphones aren't enough to drone her out. Which really sucks because she's a nice person, just too loud for my quiet-as-a-mouse-in-a-church style of working. As a designer, I like quietness, or soothing relaxing jazz. *sigh* ~Baby, someday we'll have our very own home office where music will be soothing anytime I choose and I won't have to subject my ears, and possibly to you developing in your glorious stages to this disturbing nonsense.

Okay, that's enough crazy for today.

Here's a picture for the Charles Schultz fans.

Enjoy!

Trying to Conceive - Month 10

Yes, we've been at it for a long time. Baby, if it's years past, and you're reading this. KNOW that we've been wanting you for a long time. God, I feel nuts, talking to this unborn soul as if they exist. Then again...who knows. Those are the thoughts that course through my silly head on a monthly basis. Here's a recap of what's been going on for the better part of this year (2009)

1. I've stopped drinking caffeine
2. I've gained a lot of weight~12lbs+...coming off the pill and in TTC(*gasp*)
3. I'm working out more consistently than I have in years
4. I'm a pro at ovulation testing.
5. I no longer cry when I get a Big Fat Negative on my hpt's
6. I turned 34 this year.

This month is going to be different. I tell myself that every month. Every two weeks I refrain from drinking alcohol, artificial sweetners (which I don't normally do) and avoid painting my nails, and using bleach. I know I am totally OCD about this. But *if* I could possibly be pregnant, why would I risk doing something that *might* hurt the little bean?

I dream of babies often, sometimes girls - actually girls A LOT, and sometimes boys. Last night I dreamnt of a baby boy with strawberry blond hair and the cutest little face. Twinkling eyes and such a sweet smile. A few months ago, I actually decided to have a chat with God. I had to tell him that I was ready. "What was the hold up?" That next night, I actually dreamnt about a little girl, really peeved with me, because "she" wasn't ready. I don't know. I could be losing my marbles here, do I really want this baby that badly, that I'm envisioning actual conversations with my unborn chilren?

Anyway...Here's the latest symptoms this month. It's been about 10dop. (days past ovulation) and I've got some crazy symptoms, that could be screaming PMS, but I'm not sure so I'm writing them down anyway.

1. Extremely sore BB's
2. Crazy short fuse
3. The appetite of a small elephant
4. Lack of the ability to taste chocolate - this could be a good thing
5. Wrestless sleep
6. Headache - this could be a result of trying to nullify #4

The most evident sign has been the sore BB's. I normally get sore before AF (aunt flo) but I don't recall if its ever this soon. Usually it's like a few days before right? I tested at 8dpo, and I got a BFN (big fat negative) so I assumed, either I wasn't preggers or it was too soon. Time will tell I suppose. In the meantime I'll just lurk around my home away from home these days http://www.babytalkzone.com/forums/index.php until I am far enough into my cycle that I can test.