Pregnancy - week 19

Dear baby boy,
Last night you and I had a secret conversation while I was lying awake trying to fall asleep. I spoke to you with my thoughts. And here's something I don't know if I've told you, I apologize if I have.

Mommy: "have I told you lately how much I love being pregnant with you?"
You: ..quietness...
Mommy: "it's been a joy to carry you son. I don't want our time together to end."
You: ..thump, thump...roll....
Mommy: "I am so eager to hold you in my arms, I can smell your sweetness already."
You: ...quietness...thump, thump, poke.....
Mommy: "okay, okay, I know you don't like it when I lay on my right side, but laying on my back is so comfortable and scary at the same time. I will shift to my left side."
You: ...content....
Mommy: "goodnight son, I love you baby."
You: ...happy quietness....

Of course I don't really know if that's what you were feeling/thinking, but it's what I've imagined. I have visions of you sometimes in a little yellow onesie pajama, with dark hair, and a big diaper butt, and you're so cute. I can see the back of your head and you smell so sweet, like I could just drink you in.
You're really active, all the time. I'm trying to cut back on sugar and carbs, just to give you a winning chance, and myself a winning chance to stop gaining so much weight. To date I've gained 20lbs. We've got 4 more months baby, I need to slow things down. I want both of us to be healthy.
This weekend, Daddy and I are planning to clean out the garage. It's a chore neither of us are looking forward to, but I'm hoping it will give me a chance to offload a few things that are cluttering up your room. I still have to empty your closet, dismantle the shelves that currently reside above your crib. And empty the bookshelf, and find a new home for it, or paint it black. I don't know. I will most likely find a new home for it, because you desperately need a lamp, a changing table, and a glider with an ottoman. I don't know how/when I will be able to afford these things, but somehow, I just know that they will come.

I need to run. I love you baby.

Your mommy.

Pregnancy - Week 18

Dear baby boy,
Everyday you give me something new to feel. This past week your movements have gotten stronger and a little more painful. You don't seem to like it when I sit still for too long. Also when I get emotional it seems to affect you directly. I never really knew what to make of that bond between parent and child and now I am actually feeling it for myself. Its like you know I am upset and you get upset too. The other day while I was on hold with the DMV for over 20 minutes I was getting noticeably irritated and you kicked me so hard that it made my eyes water. Honey you're the size of a sweet potato! What will I do when you're the size of a sack of flour? :)
Daddy and I are getting increasingly excited about your entrance into this world. I think he felt you last weekend, although it was a faint little push, we felt you doing something for sure. Your brother just turned 15. What a teenager! He didn't want a party, didn't want anything actually. Except for an airsoft gun. He's such a funny boy. It's all part of growing up I guess. I think it's just hard for Daddy and I to accept that he isn't a little boy anymore. Although he's not quite an adult yet either...
I miss nonna terribly this week. She's still in England with Zia Rosie. I called them when they were in Italy, I got to chat with all of our relatives there. They're so excited about my darling. I look at your pictures from the amnio everyday and I just sigh and stare at you. You're so beautiful to me and you're physically such a little thing! Your amnio results came back last week and just as I'd predicted you're 100% okay and perfectly normal. I thank God for your health and well being, because baby if anything was wrong, I don't know what I'd do.
You're still causing my hormones to get a little crazy. Yesterday I cried on the way to work for no reason at all. I hear a song that we all love called "sweet disposition" by Temper Trap. I thought about Daddy, Chrisitan and you. And strangely I thought about how I would feel when we had to drop you off at daycare or your first day of school. I'm not ready to think about these things. I want our precious time with you to last and last.
I'm finding it's just easier for me right now to not dwell on things that are hard for me to think about. Like giving birth to you for example. It scares the daylights out of me, and I hope I do a good job at it, but for now, the obsession of it is going on the back burner, as are thoughts of your cute little body bouncing off to school with children your own age.

I love you my sweet little baby boy.

Your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 17

Dear Son,
I am now 17 weeks pregnant with you. Its recently dawned on me that I think I complain too much about my weight and stuff about my pregnancy to others. When in fact, I LOVE being pregnant with you. I love knowing that you're okay because I feel your movements all the time. More strongly now than ever before. More than anything, I'm so fascinated with your development, growth, and most importantly your soul. You amaze me daily, the miracle of you just astonishes me. I often wonder about your personality, what you will look like, but more than anything, I wonder what you will "feel" like to me. I know I will love you, that is a given, but how will that love that I have so deep inside me, meld with your being? How will I feel being the center of someone's universe? I've never been that to anyone or anything before. Sometimes, I get so scared, scared that I might fail, but often, I get really excited and happy. I know I say this over and over again, but being that big of a factor, or influential being for anyone can be intimidating. I hope that I can ingraine all the best that I have to offer in you. I have a feeling that you will make me a better person. I'm not a bad person, but see sometimes that I have selfish tendencies. Everyone does, but I think you will probably wipe that all away, and you know, I'm glad about that. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to throw myself into your life as selflessly and passionately as I am humanly able.
I want you to read this someday, and really undertand where I am coming from. I am 34 years old, I am a graphic designer, I am a wife (for 4 years as of yesterday) and a stepmom. Being a "mother" thankfully has felt more natural to me than not. I fear that I have made mistakes with your brother during this learning curve as his stepmom, and I hope someday he will forgive me, but there are things that I cannot give him emotionally that only his mother can. The best I can hope for is that he see's that I love him with all my heart, and hope that I represent what a good woman should be like to him. He is a wonderful boy. He will be immersed in manhood when you are old enough to read this. For that I am sorry, I had hoped that you two would be closer in age, but I think he will become quite protective of you. I have tried my best to give him what he needs in a mother. Daddy is a really really good dad to him and he will be to you too. There are feelings sometimes, that scare the heck out of me, because I think what if I am not good enough for you? I think a lot of women probably fear this. One thing I can absolutely gauruntee you with 100% of my heart, is that I will move heaven and earth to shield you from any harm, spiritually, physcially, emotionally. I worry about the girl that you will someday chose as your wife, because that will require me to let go. But I'm getting waaaay ahead of myself. One step at a time, and for now that first step is giving birth to you and holding your precious little body in my arms.
Below are the pictures we had taken of you during our amnio appointment last week, which by the way you handled magnificently!!!


I love you,
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 16 / Amnio / Gender

Dear Baby,
You're a boy!!!! I'm so surprised but so happy! You were a champ yesterday during our amnio appointment. You were so cute and active, and then you settled down and just let the doctor do what he needed to do. Our doctor was Dr. Meyer, he was very very good. He's been doing this for over 20 years. When they withdrew your fluid it was nice and clear and just looked like baby urine. I felt one pretty strong contraction and then it was done. The poke of the needle was actually quite painless. Having my blood drawn hurts more. You seem to be handling this whole procedure quite well. I had just a few cramps last night, but overall feel okay. I can't get over how something that freaked me out so much went so smoothly. Now we just have to wait until July 31st to get our test results. Hopefully they will come sooner. I know you're fine baby. They showed us your movements in the ultrasounds, and you were wiggling all over the place, at one point you showed us your cute little bum, and your little pee-pee. You had some really cute moments sweetness. We saw your feet pressed together, your left hand with all its fingers and you dramatically touching your head, like you were an actor or something. I couldn't get enough of you. We got to see all four chambers of your heart, your kidneys, all your bones, and other organs I'm sure I'm forgetting.
If I can get to it today, I am going to scan your ultrasound pictures and post them up here so I can always remember them. Everyone was so happy to hear the news about your gender. Baby it was a very happy day for me and Daddy and Christian. After all this time in my tummy you've been a little boy. I wonder what your personality will be like? I wonder what your likes and dislikes will be, and your temperment. I think you're going to be an active little one, but very very loving. I can feel you moving around, which is such a relief, at least I know that you're okay after yesterday and seem to be making the same movements inside me. I've been trying to drink a lot and keep myself hydrated for you.
The doctor tells us that you can possibly be born anytime between Dec. 29th and Jan. 4th. We'll see! You could be a New Years Eve baby! Daddy and I still haven't decided on your name, which is fine. I want the name we chose to feel right and seem like it belongs to you. So far, there are just a few choices that we agree on, but we'lll figure it out soon, I'm sure.

I think I am going to knit you something to wear when you come home from the hospital. It's hard to judge what your size will be, but I'll just estimate a little on the bigger side.
I love you baby, and am so delighted to finally know what your gender is. Its all coming together slowly.

I love you,
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 15 +

Dear Baby,
Tomorrow I get to see you again! I'm almost 16 weeks, I'll write another post when I am. But for today we're still just at 15 weeks. I saw you last week during an ultrasound, I was having problems breathing and I kept getting pains in my sides, and swollen feet. Turns out you're perfectly okay. But wow baby! You're big! I didn't expect you to be that big! You were really active too, moving your cute little arms and legs all over the place, and then you did this great big stretch, throwing your little head back. I think you're starting to get a little crammed in there.
Tomorrow is our amnio appointment. I'm really nervous baby, but I have to be calm for you. I know deep down in my heart that you're going to be okay. I just feel it. I know our results are going to come back perfectly fine and you will be a healthy, happy baby. The only thing I can't figure out yet, is if you're a girl or a boy...That part still puzzles me. I get boy feelings a lot these days, but early on dreamnt about girls. For some reason I always assumed I'd have a son before I had a daughter. But in a way, I do, I have Christian.
It's been hot these past few days. I went to the beach with my girlfriends on Saturday. We have this annual beach outing called L.O. Girls beach day. It marks the anniversary of the day we were all laid off from Duarte Design. That day we were so stunned and so lost. This past Saturday, (marked the third annual L.O. Girls Beach day) and it was pleasant. We had interesting conversations and really just enjoyed each other's company. My friends Lisa and Denise were there. They can't wait to meet you baby. Then on Sunday, Daddy, Christian and I went to Los Gatos and had breakfast and then went to Powells candy shop. That's one of our favorite things to do. You're brother was being a typical teenager, and I think we were all just hot and a little tense. But overall, it was a nice day. I wonder sometimes how those days are going to change when you are born. I think about how you're going to fit into our family. You will be loved and cherished no matter what, but it will be interesting to see the evolution of our little family. It's been just me Daddy and Christian for many years baby, about 8. It may take some adjusting. I just wish you'd had a chance to grow up with your brother, he's going to be 15 years older than you. He will love you, I'm sure of it, but I know that he's spent a lot of his childhood waiting to meet you. You're going to be a big deal for all of us.
Nonna is going to England and then to Italy. She leaves on Wednesday. She's going to visit her cousin, baby. It's going to be a difficult trip for her I think. Maria is one of her dearest cousins and she doesn't have a lot of time left to live on this earth with us. I pray for her that God welcomes her gently. This will be the second loss of a close friend / family relative for me this year. It's been challenging, but I'm starting to see that I am much more strong than I ever thought I was. I never thought I could cope with loss, but I can. I also have learned how good I am getting at coping with gain! We've gained you my precious little one. Hopefully tomorrow you will reveal to us if you're a boy or a girl, I can't wait to start getting you things!!!

I love you,
your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 14

Dear Baby,
I'm not feeling so hot today. I woke up a lot last night with stretching pains all around my tummy. I doubt that Daddy got a good night's sleep because I was so wrestless. I kept looking down at the floor near my side of the bed thinking that's where I'd want to put a basinette for you to lay in. I had this picture in my mind of having my hand in it just to touch you.

Our amnio appointment is coming up baby, I am nervous for us. But I want you to know that it's going to be okay. Just please be still while the doctor does what he/she needs to do, and I promise I will take it easy after that. In fact I will be working from home for the rest of that week just so I can lay in bed and make sure that we recover peacefully. I need your fluids to be replenished during that time. I've been reading that talking to you will put you at ease. I don't even think that's necessary because I think you can feel my thoughts. I know you feel what I feel right now, so I am doing my best to feel wonderful. For both of us.

Zia Rosie and Barnaby left yesterday. Me, Nonna and Nonno are really sad. Its always really strange when they go, cause it's like really she never left CA. We used to live together when she lived here, I really miss those times. But now that she's in another country, baby I miss her so much. Love works in such mysterious ways. Barnaby is a sweetheart, I kept trying to tell him about you but I think being 4 years old it was a tough concept for his little mind to grasp. He loves Christian and Daddy so much. He was Christian's little shadow when he was here. You will love him too baby, he's a sweet little boy.

I am at work right now so I can't type much. I'm having a hard time focusing and staying on track. I keep thinking about you. Its so funny baby, right now you're about the size of my fist inside of me, and my thoughts are so preoccupied by what is best for you. I hope I don't leave Daddy or Christian out. I love them so much, they know that I love them, but sometimes I wonder if I show them that enough. Last night, I laid down on the floor of our bedroom with Buster our dog. He's such a sweet animal. He has so much love in his eyes baby. He's like my doggy baby, he even snorts and rubs his eyes like a little baby. It's really cute, but sometimes I wonder if its just cute to me because I love him so much?

Anyway baby I'm kind of moody today and still in a bit of pain. People keep telling me that this is only the beginning. I can only imagine what my body will feel like in a few months. I'm just super excited to begin feeling your little arms and legs move.

I love you baby.

Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 13

Hello Baby,
I'm a little behind in my posts. As I'm almost 14 weeks right now. I'll post again a little later this week to catch up. I've been away from the computer because it's been 4th of July weekend! Last night we had a nice lunch with your uncle Johnathan, and his family and then watched the fireworks with the rest of our family (my mom, dad, and sister and little Barnaby) it was magical. I love the 4th of July.

This week, you've been growing, I can feel it. I can also feel your movements even though people tell me it's too soon. Sometimes, when I am just sitting around I can feel you move super fast like a fast little flutter. It really amazes me that you're so active! People keep telling me that you're going to be a girl, but lately baby, I've been feeling boy feelings. I really have no clue what your gender will be, but it really doesn't matter to me.

Last week, Daddy and I bought your crib. I think we bought the wrong one cause it doesn't covert the way we want it to. I'm not sure, I think we may just keep it, I don't know yet. Your room is still filled with office junk and desperately needs cleaning, we still have an old mattress in there that we need to get rid of.

The weather has been really nice these past few weeks. Nice and warm. Sometimes, we don't do too well in the heat. We seem to get a little agitated. I feel really bloated, and my head starts hurting, so it's best for me to stay in an air-conditioned environment.

I'm really kind of sad baby, this week, your Zia Rosie and cousin Barnaby are leaving to go home to England. They've been here for almost 10 days! I've gotten to see them a lot which makes me really happy. Tonight I am going to have dinner with them and Nonno and Nonna. The next time I will see them will be sometime in February, after you are born. Your uncle Matthew will come back with them to meet you.

The other night baby, I had the strangest feeling. I was watching TV with Daddy just dozing off, and then suddenly I had a vision of you at full term, all tucked away in my uterus. You were a pretty large baby and you were so squished. And then I woke up holding my tummy. Cause suddenly it hit me...I'm your mommy! You're going to rely on me for the rest of your life. Which I don't mind baby, but it's an adjustment for me. I've never really had anyone rely of me except for Daddy and Christian and even then, they're rather easy. But I will be your everything, for a very long time. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I wasn't a little scared, more excited than scared. I just want to make sure that I do everything perfectly for you. We're going to be learning togehter baby, and I'm really looking forward to it. I just hope I don't screw anything up. Your life means the world to me. I think about you daily and wonder what you're going to look like, although sometimes, I think I have a faint idea. I know you will be beautiful to me no matter what. Big, small, girl, boy whatever. You're ours. Because God is trusting us with you. I hope that we can do a good enough job to provide you with everything that you need.

I love you baby, and can't wait to meet you!

Your mommy.