Strange Dreams

So, its looking like another month of nothing...It's okay, I think I saw it coming. Since I've started BBT charting, much to everyone's chagrin, it's starting to show me my own patterns. Which is nice, I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. I think I can confidently walk into a Dr.'s office now and show him what I think might be the problem. And I have a feeling that the progesterone levels aren't consistent enough. They rise and fall too often during the luteal phase. Scary that I even know this stuff. I'm a designer, not a doctor. :)

Last night I had the strangest dream about the "ex" - not mine. I dreamnt that she and I met somewhere and had a very very long chat. I think about our differences and just really hashed things out. I think that's what my heart wants. I don't like to hang on to anger, but sometimes she just does the most stupid things, that I really wonder where her priorities are. After hanging out with friends this weekend, I'm realizing that our ex-woes are not so far off. Some people have it even worse. I guess I just feel more maternal towards my stepson now. I've been a pretty prominent female figure in his life for a while, and he's starting to feel like my own. I see how she makes him feel and the worry in his heart for her. And quite honestly it angers me to no end that a child should feel this way. It's not his responsibility to worry if his mother lives or dies. Sure as we become adults that's always in the back of our minds, but at 14 it shouldn't keep you up at night. Damn her for that. And to her defense (which is weak) but I understand she just doesn't know how to do her job. She tries, albeit her attempts are week and most often insignificant. Her focus is on fun, not the hard stuff that we face on a daily basis. She will never understand just how much weight that responsibility carries. Honestly I never thought I'd inherit a little boy. He's enriched our lives so much. When he's away, something is really missing.

I would love nothing more than to give him a sibling. Something he's begged for from us for years. I hate that he's had to grow up feeling so alone. He thinks we love him too much. Better to love too much than not enough. But still. A small piece of my heart hurts for her too. Maybe I'm just feeling all weepy cause my hormones are fluctuating. But she just makes me sad. Sad because she will never truly feel the fulfillment, joy, pride, and happiness a mother should really feel. I thank God for giving me such a good set of parents.

thank you thank you thank you.