Welcome Baby Boy!

Dear son,
Well, you're one month old as of two days ago. I am sorry I waited this long to write. I have been trying really hard to take super good care of you. You arrived three weeks early. Your birthday is 12/17/10. Our labor was a long process, which I will save for another post. It's a story I don't want to ever forget, because it brought me to you.
For now, I just want to write about the little things that make you so unique and special. You're so incredibly adorable. I could've never have imagined this. You have a face that is shaped just like mine, with my nose and everything else like Daddy's. You have his dark soft hair, his Asian-like eyes, and his little dimpled chin. Honey the first time I laid eyes on you I knew I was in love. Right now you're sleeping in your bassinet next to my side of the bed. You will most likely wake up about three times tonight to eat. You're in there with a binki that is almost half the size of your cute little face. When you're hungry you have this funny little grunt and growl, and you whip your head back and forth like an angry little dog, then you go for the booby like a savage piranha. Often times you make me laugh because you have an aggressive little personality, but other times you're so chilled out and relaxed. You're extremely responsive to music, and you seem to be rather connected to my moods. When I get upset you seem to follow suit. It really puts things into perspective for me. I feel that I should guard my moods and shield you from them better.
I have been attending a postpartum group for therapy. Its been interesting, its made me realize that I'm far better off than some people, and sometimes I'm just as anxious and hormonal as the rest of them. Out of the group, its pretty clear that I'm making the most progress the fastest, it took me about two to three weeks to snap out of my hormonal haze after birthing you. I noticed that as long as you and I get the chance to go out each day and enjoy a little sunshine, we do so well. Otherwise, we both seem to get a little cranky.
You really love being outdoors, as soon as a little fresh air hits your face, you instantly fall asleep. The same goes for car rides, you fuss a little at first, and then you instantly conk out. I think it's the vibration of the car?
I'm trying to really remember and cherish each day with you, because each day that passes is one day that I'll never get back with you. Each day you make me smile and gleam with pride son, you're such an amazing little person. Even though you pretty much just eat, sleep, poop and pee, I can see how special you are.
People have wanted to come over and meet you, but my instincts have told me to guard you carefully. Maybe I've been a little "over protective" but I'm your mommy, that's what I do. I'm your protector, as is your daddy. We all love you so much son. I can see now that my life really needed you in it. You occupy my days, and sometimes I get tired and irritated, but that's just because I'm not getting a steady stream of sleep, and I'm tired a lot. But when I'm well rested all I can do is look at you and smell you. You have such a sweet smell, I almost think it's a biological need of mine to sit and smell you. Almost as if your smell is "imprinting" (daddy likes to call it this) to my memory. Your smell is changing a little but it's still so you. I love sleeping with you because I can put my ear next to your mouth and hear your fast little breaths. I know you're okay and you're doing great on your own, but a little extra reassurance does wonders for me.
See, I was already paranoid, and a rather nervous person before you came into our lives, now I'm ten times worse. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you son, no distance I wouldn't travel, no challenge I wouldn't take on, and nothing that will ever get in the way of our relationship. I know your daddy has really strong feelings for you too. You've changed us son, and for the better. We now have a bond so strong (you) that it surpasses almost everything. Now I understand his tendencies when it comes to your brother. I get it why children are the most important things in our lives that we must cherish, love and protect. See before you were born, there was this emptiness about me. I can see it clearly now. Not that I didn't know love, or passion, but I didn't know motherhood. I see your little body and your face now, and I sit back in awe, thinking with such wonder, that you came from my body. We created you and god gave us your beautiful little soul to look after. I'm filled now son. If there are other children in our future someday that would be wonderful, but if anything were to happen to me, and I died tomorrow I would be so content because we have you. You are my perfect little puzzle piece, and I love you.

God Bless you son.

I love you,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy - Week 37 Final Week

Dear Son,
Well, it looks like the time has come for you to be born. Tonight is the last night that we will share one body. I can honestly say that this makes me a little sad. You've been such a joy to me, and Daddy. Carrying you has been a privilege I will never forget. Sure my body has had a lot of crazy shortcomings, some that scared me many times over for your well-being, but it looks like we're out of the woods now. (As I write this, you're jerking around so strongly that you make my tummy move from one side to another really fast!)

Tonight Daddy and I created a belly cast of my huge tummy so I can always remember what you looked like inside of me. Its currently sitting in the tub you will someday use, drying. I plan to smooth it out and paint it, and possibly put it in a frame somewhere. The funny part is that I think it was cramping you a little because once we pulled the plaster off of me, you di this BIG spread eagle stretch, as if to say "Ahh, thank you!"

The belly cast is just such a beautiful symbol of fertility to me, that I don't want to forget this journey we've had. I've tried my best to document it all. Even though I've come up short in the last few weeks. I've been in and out of the hospital trying to lower my blood pressure and make sure that you're okay. My kidneys aren't doing too well son, and sometimes it really makes me sad, that I can't do this for 40 full weeks for you. But 37, is the best that I can do for now. Its one more week than both Daddy and I were in utero, so I think you will make it just fine. I know you're a thriving, vivacious child, I can feel it and see it in your movements, and your excitement just from feeling you in my tummy. You really seem to LOVE music. I've been playing it more and more often for you, so you can enjoy it with me you shake and shimmy all over the place when you hear music.

I've learned a lot about myself during this pregnancy. Somethings, I will consciously change after you are born.

I've learned the following:

-I don't know how to relax
-I have to learn to care for my body better
-I have to learn to give up control once in a while
-Life comes at you really fast
-I still have a long road to learning to let go
-It's okay to not answer the phone sometimes
-Sometimes I just need to spend time with "me" because I yearn for it once in a while
-I love your Daddy more than life itself, even if he drives me nuts sometimes
-I love your brother as if I personally gave birth to him
-I've gotten really good at finding the humor in things
-I actually enjoy laughing at myself, humility is a good thing.
-Work can't rule my life anymore
-I will move mountains for you
-There is NOTHING I wouldn't do for you son, you are now the most important part of my life

I've learned to become a lot more organized, its funny because you won't notice any of these things, but boy, I've taken "nesting" to a whole new level. I want things to be "PERFECT" for you when you come home. This is your home, with us, me, daddy, Christian and Buster. We will take care of you and never let anything happen to you, ever.
I hope tomorrow goes smoothly my darling, because I want it to be a really nice experience for us both, I want you to enter this world as God intended. We have a lot of people praying for us, and loving us, and are so super excited about you. All over the world. Even your Zia Rosie, and cousin Barnaby are holding their breath for you to come. But no one my darling, more than me and Daddy. We are ecstatic to meet you, to see you and feel you and to learn your personality, and your characteristics.

I look forward to a very full, and fulfilling life with you my darling boy.

I'm attaching the last photographs that were taken of you, at 35 weeks old. (in utero)

I love love love you baby, and CAN'T WAIT to meet you! Lets make this relatively quick tomorrow okay, I don't want to go through a lot of pain. :)

Your Mommy

Pregnancy week 35 + 3 days

Dear Son,
Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote. Things have taken a turn unfortunately not for the best, but will unite us sooner rather than later. I went into the doctor's office the day after Thanksgiving, because I was dizzy and my face felt super hot. There they monitored me for 3 hours and then let me go. After several blood and urine tests, they discovered I had pre-eclampisa. Which is pregnancy-induced hypertension, which can be very dangerous for both you and I. The next day I collected my urine for 24 hours and then sent it to the lab to be analyzed. They weren't happy with the results. My kidneys were releasing too much protein, which was really dangerous for me. So the next day (Sunday) I met with a really nice nurse who lent me a blood pressure monitor and sticks I have to test my urine with, daily. I thought things were pretty much under control until Monday morning, my blood pressure sky-rocketed, yet again. This time I went to the hospital prepared with my computer, my phone, and an overnight bag. Good thing, because they kept me there for the next day and a half. That Monday was my last day on my Cisco team. I noticed that every time I got really stressed out you did too. This broke my heart and made me want to throw my computer out the window. Sometimes when it comes to work, I just feel so obligated to be present and in the moment that I have a really hard time saying "no."
The whole next day and a half you and I spent in a hospital room being looked after. I can't say the whole experience was that bad. But the reality of it all really sank in when we got home. You and I were/have been teetering between severe and mild pre-eclampsia. They let us leave with some very strict rules. Now, I check my blook pressure three times a day, I'm very very cautious with how you and I are feeling and I test my pee daily. I am also going to the doctor's office twice a week to do what they call a "non stress test" which really just monitors how your precious little heart is taking all this. So far, you're doing great. I love listening to your strong little heart, it sounds like a chugging little train. You're working hard in there son, and I'm so proud of you. On Monday night, while I was still staying in the hospital Daddy and I go to see you on ultrasound. Wow, you've gotten really big! Already 6lbs! You measured in the 73rd percentile for you gestational age of 36 weeks, when I am still just 35 weeks. So if I'm not mistaken this will put you at about 38 weeks when you're born!

They plan to induce our labor on 12/15/10. I don't know if you will be born on the day, but that is the day we're going to try. I think at this point it's best for you to come out of me and show your gorgeous self to this world. It makes me really sad, and sometimes it makes me want to cry because I so desperately wanted to keep you inside of me for as long as possible. I sometimes think its all my fault, but know that there really isn't enough research to back that up. I could've been healthier before you were conceived, but I am not sure if that would've helped 100%. Son I'm so sorry if I've failed you in any way. But I have full confidence that you will be born a healthy, happy baby. I really want us to focus on you coming out naturally. You're kicking me as I write this. I think you know what I am asking of you. Your head is down and almost in position, and you're still really active. But once they start that pitocin drip, lets try to make it work as fast as possible okay? I really want you to come into this world the way God intended. Unless of course you feel that you need to come sooner than 12/15, which I am totally okay with too. Just rest, and take all the time you need. I will not let anyone hurt you and will always be your protector. I just want what is best for both of us, and I really really want it to be the beautiful experience I'd hoped for for us.

I love you baby.

Your Mommy

Pregnancy Week 32 + 5 days

Dear Son,
Again, I apologize for not blogging sooner, weekly as I had originally planned. The weeks are flying by now, and I can barely believe we are quickly approaching the end of this pregnancy! There are still so many things that need to be done in preparation for your arrival, it's almost mind boggling.
Last Saturday, we had our baby shower. It was wonderful. I wish I had more time to chat with everyone that came. It seems like 4 hours just flew by! We got soooooo many gifts. You have things that I never even expected you to get, such as two snow suits! Daddy and I have never been up to the snow together, so maybe this will be a good reason for all of us to get away as a family. I'd really like to take your brother snowboarding too, I think he'd really enjoy it.
This week we asked Zia Rosie and Uncle Matthew to be your God parents. They were so honored, that I think your Zia might've cried about it. It's a big deal to me, and I trust them immensely. They will be coming to visit you in February along with your big cousin (4 years old) Barnaby. They are so excited to meet you. I know your Zia is dying to see what you look like.
I have been having really crazy dreams lately. My favorite one so far is when I'm changing your diaper and you're staring up at me batting your pretty little eyelashes. Right then and there, I know you've stolen my heart.
You've gotten a lot bigger and you've dropped in my tummy. I can hear my stomach growling again! It's been 8 months since I've heard it! Your kicks and punches are a little slower but much stronger. I can breathe a little better and my ribs seem to hurt less. The only issues I seem to be having is that I am short of breathe most of the time, I snore like I'm sawing logs, and my lower abs and nether regions hurt, I think because you're starting to get prepared to come out! I can't stay in one position for too long because my back hurts a lot when I get up. I seem to be walking around in an "L" shape a lot these days. I look like a really old lady when I get up. I have to sort of roll around and get a head start in order to be able to prop myself up. I also have wrist braces on both arms because I'd developed carpal tunnel syndrome and I can't really feel two or three fingers in each hand. Its a little weird sometimes, but I take solace in knowing that this is all for you. As long as you are born healthy and happy, it's all been worth it to me. My hair and nails are looking FANTASTIC! Thank you for that sweetheart! I'm not going to get too attached to this thick hair though because I've heard that a lot of it will fall out a few months after you are born...It's okay though I don't mind too much. I might get a cute little snazzy haircut then or something.
You are ALL I can think about son. I can't even imagine what I will be like or think about after you are born. I hear people talk about being depressed, etc, but I don't think I will have that problem. I think I will be so occupied with you and keeping you happy that I won't have time to dwell on things like that. This pregnancy hasn't been easy, but I would do it again for another baby if the timing were right, and it was something God wanted us to do. I admit its a lot to think about but I can see why some women have several children. I don't want you to grow up feeling along, since your brother will most likely be away at college. You will have a lot of time with me and Daddy by yourself. You will like our family baby. We are blessed, we have so much love between each other, even though we yell a lot, and I think deep down we can't live apart. I know that sounds weird, and odd, but at least that's how I feel about your Dad and your brother. I know I will NEVER live apart from you. That is not even something I can talk about.
I love you my dear boy, and can't wait the 8 or so weeks that are left to meet you. But I am going to enjoy this time we have left together as one to the fullest, amidst the body pains and the struggle. You have brought so much to my life already.

I love you son,
Your Mommy.

Pregnancy Week 30

Dear Son,
I'm sorry it's been a few weeks since I've written you anything. I've been super busy getting ready for our baby shower and working a lot. A lot more than normal actually. Last weekend was the first weekend that I haven't worked in two weeks. Daddy, Christian and I spent Saturday in San Francisco, which coincidentally was Halloween! This is my last Halloween without you. I thought about that a lot that day. I wonder what all the chaos felt like to you in the womb? I saw some really funny costumes, it just made me all that more excited for your arrival. We also went to a kitchen store because we're going to be remodeling our kitchen, hopefully before you arrive, because its in desperate need of a face lift!

You're getting bigger baby boy, your movements are slowing and I can feel you really high near my ribs, which still hurt a lot. You seem to favor the east /west position a lot. I really hope you get a nice turn in before we go into labor. I want you to come naturally without the help of any doctor. I know you'll do what you're supposed to my baby.

Today, you got a really good stretch in and threw all your weight to the area near the left of my belly button, and you must have extended an arm near my ribs at the same time because I looked like a misshapen triangle for a little bit. You so totally amaze me, I can't believe how long you feel to me inside. I don't know how long or how big you are exactly. You are hanging really low and my tummy sticks out super far. I can't tell you how many times people ask me if I am carrying twins in there. I've gained a lot of weight in this pregnancy, but I'm not terribly concerned about it, because I know I have what it takes to get it off after. Also I don't want to obsess over calories and all that stuff. I'd much rather obsess over you, sweetness.

I had schedule a 30 minute 2D ultrasound so they could video tape you and I could get some good pictures of you, but at the last minute I decided to cancel the appointment. I read that the sound waves from the ultrasound could potentially damage your hearing. After looking back at your ultrasound pictures from the amnio appointment (I think that you were about 14 weeks along then) I noticed you touching your head and your ears. This really bothered me and made me want to cry because at the time I had no idea that I could've been hurting you. Anyhow, this really bothered me for a few days so I canceled the appointment. I can't bare to even think that something I'd do could hurt you, it makes me a little teary just thinking about it, so I'm going to change the subject.
So...I've been trying to visualize what our lives will be like when you come honey. The only thing I can imagine right now, is a lot of time I'll be spending alone with you when Daddy has to go to work. This makes me feel a little nervous because I will be so new at being your mommy. But what better way to learn. I think deep down there will be a part of me that will just know what you need when you need it. I have a feeling that you will just let me know. I imagine laying in bed with you next to me, babbling away, or looking at me when I change your diaper, or you quietly sucking away when I have to nurse you.
Regardless son, I am so darned excited to meet your sweet little face. I will always love you no matter what. I will post some pictures after Saturday - the day of our baby shower.

I love you,
Your Mommy

Pregnancy week 28 + 1 day

Dear Son,
I love writing these letters to you, for you, about you. You are on my mind every waking minute. When you're quiet and sleeping (I'm assuming?) I still think about you. In fact I've had a very stressful day today but thankfully you're doing well. My body seems to be getting heavier and more tired and contracting more often these days. I spent the better part of four hours today at the hospital being monitored where I got to hear your sweet little heart beat while fighting off my fears of delivering you too soon. Daddy came, when I told him not to worry, but it was such a relief to see his face, although it was lined with worry and concern for us, nothing could've put me more at ease than his presence right then and there. I don't know why today tears just came rolling down all day. I'm getting really anxious for your arrival, and my fears are getting bigger than me. I know it's silly, and they probably have very little merit, but its my first time of being a mommy. Being YOUR mommy. I want it to go smoothly and do it well.
So tonight, I went to my prenatal yoga class, where I've had the lovely opportunity to meet other pregnant mommies, that are due with babies close to the time of your birth! Some a few months sooner and others a few months later. Tonight we discussed what we've been doing to nurture ourselves, our minds, bodies, and souls. And after some reflection, I realized that all the things I used to do to nurture myself have been eclipsed by you. Its true what they say that "motherhood changes a woman." it really does. I just didn't expect it to change me in this way, and this quickly. I expected surely my life would change when you were born, but it's changing now, and at the speed of light. What nurtures my body these days are my daily morning walks - when my body permits, with you, just as the sun is rising. It's the most gorgeous time of the day son. When you are born, I will show you how magnificent the sunrise is. What's nurtured my mind, has been getting my finances in order, I find a strange comfort in organization and have been striving to make our lives as simple as possible for your coming birth. I want to make sure that Daddy and I can manage all the we have and all that we spend. I am also getting into doing your nursery. Folding your sweet little clothes gives me great joy. I love touching them, and imagining how you will fill them. Whats nurtured my soul? That's been music, and relaxation. Yoga has been a very good stress reliever for me in allowing me to realize this. God fills my soul. Every day that I wake up, and I touch your daddy and I see (or hear, as the case normally is) your brother head out the door for school, I know that God has touched my soul once more because he has blessed me with another day on this earth. He has blessed me with the ability to carry you along with me on this journey.
I used to find great joy in my art, my running, my friends, which I still do, to a degree. I'm definitely not running anymore. But its more of a surface nurturing joy. Now there is a deeper meaning to my existence. There is a purpose that I've been missing. Not in the sense that there's been the absence of love, because your daddy and I share a great, tremendous love. But it's the purpose of creating something from that love, and giving it life. It has been the creation of you.

I love you son.
Your mommy

Pregnancy - Week 26+ 27

Dear baby boy,
you are getting bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger. Every week I notice a difference in your strength when you kick or punch. Sometimes its delightful, other times, it scares me a little because you catch me completely off guard. Most of the time my darling, it's such an amazing confirmation that you're okay.
I've been taking a prenatal yoga class, (I've taken two so far, and am scheduled for six) I love them, it's giving me a chance to connect with other pregnant women, and to stretch out my very stiff limbs. Its when I go to lay down on the mat, and try to stretch that I marvel at the size of you inside me. I can barely lean over and do stretches that used to be entertaining to me! For the first hour we women talk about our babies, there is one lady in my class who is Indian and also pregnant like me with a boy that is due on your due date - Jan. 4th, 2011. I sometimes wonder how accurate that date is, and if you will chose to come on that day. I have a feeling you will come in December. Just earlier this week I had a very vivid dream about you arriving on Dec. 28th, 2010. You weighed 9lbs and 6 oz. You were so precious. I can't even begin to express your cuteness. You were so pink and chubby and kicking around. They wheeled you away from me in my dream in one of those plastic carrier things with wheels. I reached out to you because I needed to have you near me, I was on a stretcher. I think I had a c-section in my dream :( I hope this is not the case. In any case, it was just a dream, but such a wonderful one.
Today I was dozing off trying to focus on work, but more tired than anything, and I had a vision of you at about two or three. You were looking up at me for something that you wanted and you were so cute. You looked a lot like I did when I was a toddler, but you had dark hair and dark eyes like Daddy. Your skin was lighter like mine. Any visions I have of you son, I hold dear to my heart, they bring me just one step closer to you, or what I imagine you to be and look like. I'm that eager to meet you.
Most of the time I can't get over how quickly our time together is passing. I feel so connected to you and so close to you. I know you can feel what I feel, I know you will be extremely special to me, well, you are already, but once you're born, you will be even more so. I know that we will be close in life my baby. I will never be far from you, ever.
I've had a few scares, and a few little unexpected pains that have worried me, and have made me pray for your well-being. Its the first time in my life that I've prayed to God to take care of something and to leave me if needed. Maybe that sounds selfish, I guess I've never felt the need to protect something with my own life like this. I guess this is what being a "mom" is all about. But I do so without any expectations. I just want what is best for you and what will give you the greatest chance at life - in my womb and in just 13 short weeks, outside of it as well.
I think you're a very long baby from what I feel. I can feel you often times just underneath my ribs, all the way down to my lower pelvis area, usually at the same time. That spans my entire mid-section. Which is the biggest I have ever seen it! It's quite beautiful, the way you've made me love myself and my bigness even more. I love caressing my tummy because I know you're in there. I think you can feel me, because I can feel you just with my hands.

Thank you son, for choosing me. I do believe that you have been in heaven waiting to be born to me and Daddy and when God, finally gave you the green light you've come. You've made me so happy.

I love you,
Your Mommy